


Forget me not.

by Prozac



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, artist!Eren, break-up drama, erwin will not appear anymore, hanji and mike are married, it's complicated - Freeform, past eruri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2016-09-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 03:06:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 60,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1453117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prozac/pseuds/Prozac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>''We need to talk.''<br/>It's simple but yet it harms the most.<br/>He hasn't even said the right words and you already know.<br/>It's all over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am a terrible liar. I know.
> 
> Guess I'm back? 
> 
> I'm sorry.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy! :P <3
> 
> http://prozacx.tumblr.com/ Finally got some guts to make an anime blog! If you have questions, prompts or anything else text me!

It hurts when he comes in and you already see him becoming a stranger the moment he crossed your carpet.

It hurts when he skips the greeting that used to be your favourite sound back then.

It hurts when he passes your figure, cold air hitting you in the face.

It hurts when he sits down and you see the contrast of his being to your couch and you don't have to look twice - he already doesn't belong there.

It hurts when he sighs and it's the heavy kind of sigh which tells you he's tired and his soul is aching.

You know why and you know it's something bad.

It hurts the most when he looks up and meets your eyes. His eyes lack in softness they used to look at you. They changed their color and you already know they don't belong to you anymore. They don't want to look at you anymore.

But nothing hurts more when he says those words you feared so much these days and your heart clenches in your chest you might fear it'll shatter down right in front of you.

You don't recognize his voice anymore.

That's not him.

''We need to talk.''

It's simple but yet it harms the most.

He hasn't even said the right words and you already know.

It's all over.

You slowly walk towards him and you can feel yourself tremble. It's so silly to feel this way when you can just wrap your arms around him and place your head on his chest and pretend you only had a little crisis.

But this is not a crisis.

And you know you can't even touch him.

So you sit on the other side of the couch and you're turned to each other like complete strangers with stiff shoulders and your hands on your knees. You wish to scoot a little bit closer but you are not sure if he'll approve of that so you decide to stay where you are and suffer from this distance.

At least he won't see you shake.

''About what?'' you ask him a stupid question when you already know the topic but you don't have another choice, you have to say something so he doesn't see you hurt, doesn't see you fall apart in front of his very eyes. You'll wait for the moment he closes the door and goes away from your life, forcing you to somehow survive and cope with it alone by yourself.

You're not ready for that.

He sighs again and you can feel that he's uncomfortable too. Just like you he tries to make it sound milder, less brutal than it will be. In the end you realize it's the same.

He's going to hurt you anyway.

''I-'' he starts but then clears his voice only making your heart break more. ''You know-'' he changes his thought but it all leads to one thing. It all leads to one sentence he can't avoid.

So he starts again and looks you right into the eyes.

You pray to God you won't break.

''I can't anymore.''

You thought of any other excuse, of any other word that'll extend your agony. Any other word that'll start stupid so you could get used to it before he says the truth.

''I know.'' You say and it's painful because you always have known. You saw it. You felt it. You just knew it. And there was no other way to avoid it.

He looks at you with wide eyes because he expected you to act different, to cry and shout. But you are silent and take every punch without fighting back. There is something in his eyes and it calls you out to act but you choose to stay silent.

You know you already lost the battle.

Even if you wanted, you couldn't fight back.

''You know?'' his voice is shocked and quiet and you start to feel a little bit dizzy. You don't know how much you'll take.

''Yes.'' You start. And then words flow out of your mouth. You can't stop them.

''I know you've been cheating on me for three weeks now but I don't know who with. I really don't care, hell I don't even want to know. You thought I wouldn't know? All those nights you came back late and headed straight to our bed? And that night you were drunk so I decided to leave you alone and just sleep it over. But then while I was changing you into your sleeping clothes I noticed bruises on your neck. I was confused first because we didn't have sex that day and I knew they weren't there the night you went on that party.''

''I knew you slept with someone and I just couldn't dare myself to ask you about it when you couldn't even think right. And then followed the nights you came back and smelled different. Then, I knew you haven't slept with a woman. The perfume belonged to a man. And then followed the days you couldn't stop talking on your phone and I knew it wasn't business.''

''But Eren, why  didn't you tell me?''

''Why didn't you tell me?'' your voice cracks a bit and you bite your tongue for being so weak. You take a breath and regain your composure. You can't wait for him to get out so you could just die.

His eyes twist in pain and regret by his own self-set trap and a hand rubs his face. The hand that used to run through your hair and play with your wild strands now touches someone else.

And it's not you.

''I-I was scared and I-'' he stops because he doesn't know what to say anymore. He's ashamed; you can see it on his face, the light blush that kills him. ''I'm sorry.'' He says after a long pause.

It's a lame excuse and a cheap way to seek forgiveness in such situation. You can't take it because it's so poor with emotion and it can't be fixed anymore. All those ‘I love yous ' and ' You're my only one' were sweet nothings never meant to last.

But you found yourself hoping. Imagined his ring on your finger.

''You just can't say that.'' You start and you feel something like anger piercing your chest. You decide to shut it down. You don't want to start to cry.

Not in front of him.

''You just can't say you're sorry and lie to me, cheat behind my back and then expect me to say 'It's fine, it's really okay'. You can't just come in here like you're a no one to me and act so cold and distant when you know you mean so much to me and you know I can't imagine the thought of losing you. It's so selfish, Levi. And it hurts me. No,'' you take a sharp breath and you pray you won't break.

Just a little bit and then it'll be fine to cry.

''it's fucking killing me. And all these days I wanted to talk to you but you weren't there the whole day and I was alone all the time, sitting here and crying my eyes out. And whenever I wanted to ask you what's going on because something was wrong you didn't want to talk to me, saying you were tired or busy. And then you grew distant and you started to talk to me as I was someone you know from work when you used to talk to me like I was the only person you had.''

You shake.

This is not good.

''I can't forgive you, Levi. I can't. You promised-'' your voice cracks. ''You sa-'' again it fails you. ''You-'' you manage to whisper before you shut your lips and eyes.

Black surrounds you and suddenly you can't stand his quiet breathing.

You can't stand the awful warmth coming off his ugly body.

You want him out.

''Leave.'' You say not looking up.

There is a pause. A long one.

One moment it sounds like you’re alone but then you hear him shifting.

And your world shatters.

He's leaving.

And you can't stop him.

''Eren, I'm sorry.'' He begins again. No, it's a lie. He lies, you find yourself thinking. ''I'm not lying when I say you are a wonderful person and that I don't deserve you. I'm not lying when I say I loved you with all my heart.''

He loved you.

''I know it'll sound mean but I'm sorry you weren't enough for me.''

Not enough.

Three years of not enough.

''It's my fault for being selfish and wanting you when I knew you wouldn't last for me.''

You were a mistake.

''Blame me. Tell me I'm a monster. Yell at me, hell even hit me right in the face because you have every right to.''

You want to crush him right now. But you can't.

You love him too much.

''I will never forgive myself for hurting you, believe me that.''

You can't believe him.

Not a single word he says.

He steps in front of you and you feel your bones breaking. It's so close you can almost feel his lips on your own, but he's too far away right now. You have your eyes closed because you don't want to memorize all of this.

You want to have the beautiful memories of him. The ones where he smiles. The ones where he kisses you. The ones he dreams with you in your arms.

The ones where  he loves you.

Not loved you.

''Can you promise me one thing?'' he whispers and you shudder. Right now you feel like a stranger is  breathing down your skin.

It's cold.

''Please take care of you. Don't let this get you down. I know you won't for some time, but please smile again.  And when the right time comes, please be happy again, alright?'' He stops for a moment and then gives you the final blow. ‘’Please, forget me.’’

This is funny, you think. How are you supposed to get better when he'll murder you the moment he closes the door and leaves this awful big gash in your chest? How are you supposed to forget him, someone who gave you so much, showed you so much? Someone you fell so hard for?

How are you supposed to forget him?

Your own heart?

As nothing happened and you two never knew each other?

''I can't promise that.'' You whisper and you finally open your eyes.

He looks at you.

He's hurting too. But not the way you are.

He’ll get over that. To be honest he got over you three weeks ago and tonight he'll be in someone else's arms, heart beating with love, mind erasing all of your touches and kisses so it could remember the one's of the man he cheated on you with.

''Eren.'' It sounds so familiar. So close to the ones he called you when everything was alright. When he loved you-

You cut him off.

''Can you please leave now.''

He breathes out a shaky breath and you actually don't care if he'll start crying.

There's one little piece of you that's starting to hate him.

So he leaves.

His footsteps are heavy and slow.

You stare at the carpet under your feet and think about the nights where you two used to lay on it and watch stupid movies.

Used to kiss.

Used to make love.

A soft click wakes you up and you're standing alone.

He's gone and he'll never come back.

He chose to leave you behind, take everything you offered and gave him without giving it back to you.

You try to walk to your room but everything in this house reeks of him.

It's disgusting.

You don't even reach the door when you drop on your knees and push your forehead into the floor.

And then among all those memories captured in this house, his scent all over you clothes, his voice ringing inside you head, a sob rips from your sore lips.

Another one follows.

Soon tears join and stain the carpet.

You cry and cry and cry.

And it hurts.

(…)

You’re not there when he moves out. Takes all of the things you gave him. You’re not there to see him leaving you.  Moving out of your life. Out of your first house meant for a couple, not you alone. By the evening when you come back, all of his things are gone.

Even his high school photo he gave you after the graduation party.

(…)

You don’t leave your bed for days. You already changed the sheets and the scent of his skin vanishes slowly. But you still keep his pillowcase unwashed. And sometimes when it hurts so bad you press it to your lips and wipe your tears away with.

(…)

Part of moving on is deleting his phone number. You stare at the numbers and wonder if he changed it already. With a heavy heart you press your finger on the delete button and it disappears from your screen. And with that the sound of his voice.

(…)

You go out. Talk to your friends and sometimes it’s okay to cry. But you still love him.

(…)

He was right. At some point you start to smile. It’s nice again. You go through your photos and you smile. You feel proud for not crying but at the same time you miss him. You’re happy because it happened.

(…)

You don’t count the days or months anymore… But one day you get a call and you stop in your tracks and stare at the number. You stare and blink once…twice…It’s familiar but…

Then you remember it’s him.

You pick up.

(…)

You stop at the flower shop and buy a bouquet of beautiful flowers. You rush to the hospital.

On the way you realize one thing.

He never deleted your number.

(…)

As you wait your heart hammers and breaks your ribs. You choke on your blood as it covers your cheeks. You shake in fear of seeing his face.

A man, tall and blond sits down beside you. From what you two talked a bit his name is Erwin and he’s a good friend of Levi. He tells you everything about the accident. You feel relieved when you hear he’ll be there for some days. You’re happy he’s alive and alright.

You’re happy.

And you miss him so much.

‘’So, your name is Eren, right?’’ the man, Erwin turns to you. When you nod he continues. ‘’Levi told me a lot about you.’’ He stops there to check if you’re okay. He seeks your eyes and holds your gaze when he finds them. ‘’He told me what happened. I’m sorry.’’

Even long ago it still hurts a little.

No, a lot.

When you don’t answer he speaks again.

‘’You brought him flowers.’’

You look down at the flowers and bring them close to your face. They smell wonderful.

‘’I still love him.’’ You start. ‘’Even when he told me to forget about him I haven’t. He’s still my only one and even though he doesn’t feel the same anymore I will always love him, no matter what.’’ You look up and there’s a tear on your cheek.

‘’When he wakes up, please tell him that he was right. I’m smiling again.’’ You feel your lips twitch in a small smile. ‘’And tell him I still love him and think about him.’’

Erwin is silent.

You don’t know you’re talking to the man he cheated on you with. You don’t know you’re talking to his lover.

He gives you a smile and pats your shoulder.

‘’Don’t worry. You wanna go in?’’

‘’Yes.’’ You sigh and stand up.

(…)

He sleeps so peacefully just like on the mornings you woke up next to him. You carefully place the flowers into a vase and smell them again and the sweet scent tickles your lungs. You turn to his sleeping figure and look at him.

He didn’t change at all.

Without a thought you lean over and give his lips a soft kiss, the memories coming back to your mind. Each kiss he gave you dances in front of your eyes.

You miss him so much.

‘’I hope you are happy too.’’ you whisper when you part. ‘’Get well soon.’’ A tear slips down your cheek and you wipe it quickly away.

‘’I love you.’’ You whisper and leave his room before you stain his gown with your tears.

You don’t turn when Erwin calls your name.

You don’t turn when you hear a familiar voice calling you to stop. To wait.

You don’t turn back because you’re afraid you might have gone crazy.

There’s no way on earth he’s calling after you. He’s sleeping right now and he doesn’t even know you’re here.

You tell yourself it’s all in your head. But it isn’t.

You can hear him clearly. You can hear him begging you to stop.

You must be insane.

(…)

The house is not empty anymore. There are some things you bought not long ago, new things that are a little bit unusual but you got used to them already.

You still live alone.

It’s nice, after all. You have your friends, your family. You have a life.

A year passes and you finally learn to cook by yourself.

You clean your house alone with different cleaning supplies and products.

You eat alone, sleep alone but still feel happy.

You miss him. And there isn’t a day you don’t think about him.

(…)

One day there’s a knock on your door. You wonder who might that be and you check your watch – you’re not expecting anyone. You’re kind of annoyed by the sudden intrusion because you wanted to catch some sleep before work.

When you open the door your heart stops.

It’s him.

He’s crying and he still looks the same.

He shakes and you barely understand a word he says.

‘’I made a mistake.’’ He almost sobs on your porch.

You stay there and you look at him. He doesn’t pry his eyes off you.

‘’Oh Eren, please forgive me.’’ He shakes so much, just like a child when it calls for its mother.

You open your arms and he immediately clings to your chest. You feel his tears soaking your shirt and you wrap your arms around his small frame. He sobs and you hug him tighter, you’re afraid he’s a hallucination. You press your lips to his hair and you don’t mind the tears running down your own cheeks.

He doesn’t mind too.

‘’I’m sorry, I am so so sorry.’’ He looks up and finds your eyes. He’s so pale.

‘’You are not a mistake, Eren. You are the best thing that happened to me. I never stopped thinking about you, never stopped loving you and I don’t know why I have left you, I was so blind and  Eren I am such an idiot, please forgive me I can’t live knowing I hurt you and left you when I should have been there and I-‘’

You silence him with a kiss.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What am I doing? 
> 
> Okay, first you have to know that I don't know when the 3rd chapter will be up, that's the matter of my free time and my productive mind. It will take some time for me to continue this and I hope you'll be patient. I mean, you were the whole time and kudos for your patience and also lots of hugs for such awesome comments from you! It really makes me happy to see you guys enjoying this. Really, I never thought this would become a multichapter fic but my sweet Vandoren (god, I'm so lame I can't link this) convinced me to continue this and I wanna thank you for that. 
> 
> Second, I'm too lazy to have this beta'd so I apologize for mistakes. I know, I know, I always moan about never finding one but guess half of the problem is me? I'm so lame. 
> 
> Anyway, here's the second chapter. I have no idea where this will be going and I don't know if they'll end up together in the end but I will give my best. I'm not sure if I should put side characters in or make it only centered at them, but we'll see. Maybe some Armin, Mikasa and the others won't hurt. ;) Ughr, I re-writed this three times and I'm done.
> 
> THIS FUCKING FIC HAS THE FIRST FANART AND MY POOR HEART DIED BC NONKAN DID SUCH AN AMAZING JOB! I LOVE YOU <3   
> http://nonkan.tumblr.com/post/85096095283/inspired-by-prozacxs-fic-forget-me-not-v-i#notes  
> again i don't know how to link this -.-
> 
> If you have any questions, thoughts and other stuff here's my tumblr:  
> http://prozacx.tumblr.com/
> 
> I love you and you're amazing! <3

And as the heartbeat that furiously banged against your sternum ceased down and your arms that clung onto his clothes lost their grip, with every inch that you withdraw from his wet face you see that your move was a big mistake.

You feel your lips burn; not with desire and love, but with regret. It burns and burns and burns and it hurts. It’s like he poured acid onto his lips and poisoned you in the heat of the starving contact only your darkest corner of your heart desired.

The tears that already dried on both of your cheeks tugs on your skin, it almost reminds you on a slap you wanted rather than this. It stings.

He stands in front of you with his arms still clutched around your waist and looks at you with a soft expression. His eyes are still red from crying and you can hear him sniff a few times and the way his fingers curl harder against your shirt makes your ribcage break.

You want to pull out, snap his fingers in two so they won’t burn prints into your skin and break the spine they touch. The more you move, the more he clings to you. You feel a sudden rush of panic, you take a loud breath in fear you’ll suffocate in his arms.

You used to live in those arms.

And now you feel like dying.

His lips twist in a small smile and he leans his head on your chest but you don’t want him to. You don’t want him to hear your heart that can now live without him, beat a new rhythm without his taps. You fear when he hears it beat fast and hard you’ll give him hope.

It’s fast because you’re scared.

It beats hard because you’re ashamed.

‘’I’ve missed you so much.’’ Comes a shy voice underneath your chin.

Your mind clears with every breath you take and you don’t know what to do. He’s still gripping your waits and all you think of is to get rid of him. He stinks, and he’s too warm and there are spikes on his fingers that bury themselves deep into your flesh.

You realize kissing him was a mistake.

But wasn’t it a habit? Wasn’t this what you’ve been used to for so long and kissing him felt so natural? Wasn’t it natural for you to see him standing on your porch, just like on days when he got home from work? Wasn’t it natural for you to embrace him in your arms and feel the curve of his chest fit against the curve of your stomach?

But kissing someone you started to forget wasn’t natural.

‘’Levi.’’ Finally you manage to get words coming out your mouth and it feels like years of being mute crushed your throat and you forgot the cling of your own voice in your words.

He looks up with something in his soft blue eyes that gives you chills and you want to look away because you’re scared of it.

It’s hope.

‘’Yeah?’’ he gives you another soft look and you fear opening your mouth so the blood you’re choking on wouldn’t stain the perfect blue of his irises.

‘’We should get in.’’ you say that with a strange voice. It’s almost like the one you use when you’re talking to a stranger on the street when you miss the bus or buy something in the market. Maybe he doesn’t see it, maybe he can’t because he wasn’t there to see you change, and you’re afraid he doesn’t see the warning in your voice.

He follows you soon into the house he used to live in, leaving fresh prints behind when it got you so long to clean them out, scrub them off. You want to tell him to not touch a single thing because you don’t want his scent all over your things but he’s already touching the new frames of you and your friends. He touches the frames that are a cheap replacement of the ones he was in.

 ‘’Is this Armin?’’ he asks softly but can’t open your mouth to answer.

You sit down on your new couch you bought not long ago. The old one felt too big, had so much space for someone else you could never have anymore. You threw it out without looking back and memories vanished from this house.

You almost forgot how to nestle against someone’s chest.

How to have someone’s head in your lap.

How to kiss in the dim light when a commercial is on.

How to eat someone’s cake and get your nose covered in cream.

How to make silly love with lots of giggles and chuckles when you realize that the two of you are too big for it.

He lingers a bit longer by the shelf, his fingers slightly dancing over the frames while his face hidden from you, reveals a melancholic expression you can’t see. There is a soft sigh you don’t hear because the only thing that burns your ears is the frantic heartbeat of yours trying to not to die while the old scars open up and the strings that held the poor excuse of a heart ripped and lost the last pieces of courage it took you to get over.

It’s really strange seeing him there. He’s not a shadow from the curtains near the window, he’s not a memory you still mourn over at some nights when you feel lonely. Nor is he an imagination your exhausted brain creates when someone mentions his name or you find one of his belongings he forgot when he left.

He is there.

And you can smell his too familiar scent. Feel the presence of his thin body. Hear his weak heartbeat.

You are startled when you see him sitting next to you closer than you were the last time you saw each other in this house.

From the corner of your eye you can see his hand brushing the new piece of furniture, his fingers skipping along the material in short strides. Then when he catches you staring he withdraws his hand and places it on his lap. Your eyes dart over his face where his look is casted on the old carpet you never had the heart to throw out.

The silence is too long and you’re afraid to stay quiet but at the same time you don’t want to speak. You don’t want to give him hope further, giving him something to believe that maybe everything will be okay.

He hurt you.

But now you’re killing him.

‘’I see Armin changed.’’ He begins slowly, eyes still fixed on the carpet. He’s fidgeting with his toes. ‘’And a lot of things in this house.’’ He looks up and glances over the living room, a little sigh leaving his dry lips. ‘’And I don’t blame you for that. You had to.’’ Something is eating away his voice because it’s getting harder and harder to hear him. It dies more he continues to talk but you feel he fights to make it sound steadier. He wants to talk but he can’t because he doesn’t feel welcome anymore.

You can only nod to this, even though he doesn’t see you.

His eyes are glued to one specific corner where they linger a lot more than anywhere in here. The corner is empty now; something that stood there gone long ago and just looking at him getting lost into this emptiness hurts you.

Maybe you don’t hate him that much.

You never could.

‘’And so have you.’’ He turns to look you in the eye and then you see how much he changed.

There are black circles under his eyes making him look uglier. His hair is dull, it doesn’t shine and the silkiness you’ve felt when you kissed just minutes before was an imagination because it’s sharp now, it’s somehow stiff under your touch. Dead. His lips are dry and so pale and you feel almost guilty for sucking the last bits of softness out of them and leaving him like this.

You look away.

You’re creating a monster you don’t want to have around you.

But still you don’t want  to let go of it.

‘’You too.’’ You say and your voice betrays you. You’re ashamed you almost whisper your words and give them a hoarse note when you should have raised it and told him to get the fuck out of your life and rot in hell.

‘’A lot changes over a year, right?’’ he gives you a small smile. ‘’Actually, I feel really uncomfortable right now.’’ He stutters a bit. ‘’I guess it’s really weird to come in here again and see a lot of things gone when you used to live here for almost three years.’’ he shrugs and his smile gets a sad note. ‘’I understand why you had to do this and I don’t have any right to complain about it but…I really feel like a stranger in here. ‘’

‘’I wish it never had to be this way. I wish it never happened but I fucked up. ‘’ You don’t know if he’s about to cry; his lips tremble slightly and his eyes got a little bit glossier but he continues.

‘’After everything I think you need an apology and I don’t expect you to except it but it would feel really nice if you’d say something. It doesn’t have to be something polite…just say something.’’

‘’Why?’’ is the first thing that leaves your mouth.

He furrows his brows slightly in confusion and you repeat your question.

‘’Why did you come back?’’ this time you’re the one with trebling lips. Why of a sudden you feel so crushed? Smaller than a speck of dust? Why do you feel so vulnerable? Why do you feel the need to know every reason he left and came back when you fear the answer, when you know it’ll only get worse.

‘’Because I missed you.’’ He starts and you think he inched a little bit closer. ‘’It wasn’t long after your visit in the hospital when I realized that I wanted you back. It may sounds selfish but the night you left I wanted you so desperately so I threw him away like a toy and blamed him for our break up. ‘’ a sour chuckle leaves his lungs, you feel he regrets it. ‘’I blamed him for the things I wanted and the things I did when he was the one warning me that what we did wasn’t right. And I took everything out on him, all those months of regret and self -hate I poured over him, breaking his heart in the end. It wasn’t his fault at all, but I made him feel like it was.’’ He grips the hem of his shirt a little bit tighter.  His fingers tremble.

‘’So in the end I left him, the same way I left you. ‘’

‘’So, all the time you were…’’

‘’Yes, I lived alone. Hating myself and gathering the courage to come to you pleading back. Even though I lost every bit of my pride, and fuck I don’t care when it comes to you. I still feel selfish for wanting you when I knew I could never have you again.’’ His tone changes dramatically when you feel his hands on yours squeezing softly.

Before he even tells you the next words you know you fucked up.

‘’But here I am in your arms.’’ He smiles the sadness away and you feel sick. ‘’And all I needed was your kiss and I got it. I feel so happy now, Eren. ‘’ his hands move up your forearms, over your stiff shoulders, touching the curve of your neck only to trace your jawline and cup your stinging cheeks.

‘’Just let me be happy again. Us. I promise I’ll do anything to make you happy. I’ll do anything to see you smiling again. So, can you please forgive me? That’s all I need.’’

You can feel each of your ribs breaking in your chest. You can feel your own heart ripping into pieces. You can feel yourself dying.

This is how life is.

The person who kills you dies with you.

That’s the rule of heartbreaking. When you’re dying in the arms of the one who killed you he dies on his own poison; in the end the only person he killed was himself, not you. He killed your body, that’s for sure and with all that he killed the heart he gave you for eternity, hidden deep in your chest. It dies with you.

There’s no escape.

Venom is venom.

It kills, no matter if you’re the one who poisons or is poisoned.

You take an agonizing breath just before the final crush. It’s time.

‘’Levi.’’ You start and by the way he stiffened from your voice tells you he’s worried. ‘’I don’t know what to say…you just showed up out of nowhere and after everything you come back and seek for forgiveness. After you hurt me so bad you want me again even though you know it’ll make it worse for me.’’ You stop to take a breath. Your heart shatters more.

‘’I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I still want to see your face or talk to you anymore when it took me so long and so much effort to get on without it and just survive. And kissing you was a mistake.’’ You finally blurt out the knife that pierces his heart. You see him bleed on your couch but you have to press the dagger further, you have to bury it deep inside so he could finally realize that maybe there is no second chance.

Maybe you’re not meant to be together after all.

Even though it was wonderful and everything you imagined, it wasn’t meant to last. Sometimes good things have to end. Sometimes lovers have to turn into strangers. Sometimes love doesn’t last, even though it’s the most wonderful thing in the world.

Sometimes love is meant to die. It’s normal. Perfect doesn’t exist. And when you open your heart enough to let it go, free it from the home it isn’t supposed to stay in, then you might realize it’s better that way.

Somewhere has to be someone waiting for you. Someone who belongs there - in your heart. Fits like it’s meant to be.

And maybe it’s time to open your heart and let Levi go. You can’t crush him any further, break his wings when he needs to learn to fly and come to the one he truly deserves.

Maybe you were just his shelter. You let him stay there, you fed him, watched him grow up, showed him the way you love someone. Maybe it’s really time for him to leave the nest and fly on his own. Fly until he falls in the hands of the one who’ll give him rest. Forever.

Even though you heart breaks with the thought of letting him go, when you still couldn’t do it, you force yourself to say the last words that’ll separate you from each other.

‘’I think it’s the best for us to continue where we stopped and live our lives without each other. I think that I still need time to think about and forgive you one day but please don’t think I hate you.’’ Your hand is aching as you take the weight of his and trace the pale knuckles in an affectionate way. It’s the last time you touch him.

‘’I will always love you and you will always have a place in my heart but I think that we should end this. A year passed and I learned so many things without you and Levi, I finally feel okay when I cross the bedroom and know I will sleep alone tonight. I finally feel okay when I bake the cake you thought me and eat it with happiness because it’s just a cake. I finally feel happy when I come home and sit on this couch and laugh to silly game shows alone and enjoy the show without someone playing with my hair.’’

A tear slips down your cheek but you don’t feel it.

‘’I think it’s time for us to close this chapter and go on. Find someone else-‘’

‘’But I want you, Eren.’’  Your throat seizes when you see the tears on his face.

‘’I know but-‘’ you take a sharp breath. ‘’You want me because you’re mad at yourself. Levi, everyone make mistakes and you have to live with that. But you have to forgive yourself in order for others to forgive you. I wanted you too, but you weren’t there. Believe me that there were nights I wanted to drive the whole country and find you and beg you to come back to me. But I had to let go and forgive myself for being a coward and not confronting you when I had to.’’

‘’Eren, please don’t say that.’’

‘’I’m sorry Levi.’’

‘’But you kissed me.’’

‘’I know and it was a mistake.’’  You swallow the blood from your dying heart. ‘’I’ve missed you too.’’

‘’Then, why don’t we try again? Eren, please if it doesn’t work out this time I promise I’ll leave and never come back. But please give me another chance.’’ He cries into your hand he brought to his face. He rubs his cheek on your hand desperately, and you know he doesn’t want to lose your touch.

You don’t want either.

‘’Please.’’

With a cracked voice he interlaces your fingers with such desperate grip it crushes your bones. He tries to hold on to you, tries to save you from the last crash you’ll both die from. It’s a gesture he hopes will be the last one, the last hope if anything doesn’t work.

Your heart is beating so loudly in your ears. The tears that spill over your cheek feel so hot and even though the touch feels foreign now you don’t want to let go. His fingers are cold just like they always were, slim and small. Thoughts of various words, sentences race through your head and you try to catch them, form them into something that will end this comical scene but you’re too slow.

Gripping your hair with one hand doesn’t help either. Your fingers burn prints to your scalp, tease the hair in hope you’ll pull your thoughts out when you can’t catch them.

But as your fingers curl in your own hair you and don’t know what to do anymore, you know you’re doomed. You want him to let go but he desperately clings to you. You want to push him away just like he pushed you but he always comes back, no matter what.

He begs you to stay. And you beg him to go away.

A second chance is ridiculous, but isn’t love ridiculous too?

But the most of all: are you ready to give him one?

There is no much room for thinking but there is room for withdrawing your hand from his. With a heavy sigh you look up and when you meet his red, puffy eyes you really have no idea what to say anymore.

Will it pay off in the end?

You don’t know.

Is it worth throwing one year of heartache and moving on away and start a new beginning with the person who caused all of this?

You don’t know.

Do you still love him like you did when you made love for the first time, bought this house?

You don’t know.

‘’I’m really scared Levi. I’m scared of being hurt again if I give in, scared to go through the same thing all over again. I’m scared I will regret this and hurt us both in the end when we really don’t need  it. I don’t know about you, but have you really thought about this? All the risks we would take and maybe make the same mistakes on same things? It’s not about my opinion on this, it’s also yours. Maybe you’re just emotional and you can’t think right. Levi, you have to think about this and make a decision we won’t regret in the end. It’s not up to me only, it’s up to you and what you truly want.’’

His face doesn’t look broken anymore and with the way his forehead crinkles you know he’s in deep thought. You feel a light rush of relief that maybe you’re succeeding in making him move on, realize the right thing and make the right decision.

‘’That the smartest thing you ever said.’’ He chuckles a bit and you find yourself smiling that he finally sees your point and doesn’t look so wrecked. At the same time it reminds you of your old days and something twitches in your chest.

You have to admit it: even though he hurt you, you’ve missed him. Very much so.

‘’So?’’ you sniff and give him a small smile. Something starts to clear your situation, blow away the heavy fog over your eyes. The tone in your voice is friendly and for a second you feel like he never cheated on you, stayed your lover, your best friend.

Is this how a second chance feels like?

It’s weird but it feels so damn good to have him next to you.

He hurt you, yes, but maybe it won’t hurt much if you stay friends, talk sometime and just see the other. You’re not sure if you’re ready to forgive him but you can’t resist him. He’s still in your system after one year without the source and it makes you still addicted.

‘’I don’t know.’’ He repeats your words. ‘’Don’t think you changed my mind or something, I really want you Eren. I told you it’s selfish of me but if we figure this out, I will respect your choice no matter what and stay or go.’’ It’s the latter you think. It’s better that way. ‘’But for now I just want to figure out at what we’re standing. When it’s time I would like to hear you say that you’ll forgive me and I promise I will back off and go my own way if that’s what you want.’’ His face turns more serious, he looks like an adult, like a normal person and he looks the same when you used to be together.

That’s the old Levi.

You don’t like the tone in his voice.

If he keeps up like this, you might give in.

And it terrifies you.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I lied when I said I'll get this chapter done in two or three more days. Huh, here it is! And it's just Eren thinking and thinking and having a (to me a heartwarming) talk. Guess who? Not Levi :P Ech-betch.
> 
>  
> 
> I think I might have a slight idea where this fic is going. I planned some future scenes already but still let's be real - I have no clue what I'm doing. Honestly, I'm crucified between making this 100% pure angst and 100% pure fluff. I want them sad, but at the same time I want them happy. God.
> 
> I hope you will like this chap. I will try to get Levi up in the next one so this one is just Eren and someone else.
> 
> I love you all <3 Thank you for reading.
> 
> Oh, one more thing! How do you call someone who curses a lot? I've tried to find something other than ''revilers'' so please if you know another words for this, tell me. I'm so lame.  
> My tumblr if you need anything. - http://prozacx.tumblr.com/

All you can think of is how low you fell.

It’s been ten minutes since you’re scrubbing the spot on your new couch where he’s been sitting and while the damp smudge expands more and more, despite knowing you’ll ruin your couch, you try not to curse. Fingers gone numb from scrubbing, your breathing begins to quicken and you can already see the first loose threads where you’re scrubbing too hard. You bite your lip, all the money you saved, worked hard for is ripping apart. You force yourself to loosen up the hold, ease the pressure so your other hand joins the one working and suddenly you  stop.

Gently, you place the brush aside and run your fingers over the damaged surface. You take a deep breath and close your eyes while your mind tries not to break into insanity. Why are you doing this? It’s so comical wanting to damage him when you only damage yourself. Can’t you realize that it’s not him that drives you insane?

It’s _you_.

Everything could have been different if you acted like you should have. Not the things that happened yesterday, nor the things that happened a year ago. Those things happened only because the roots of your impact have been too deep into something you could have easily avoided. Thinking back gives you a headache, you can’t recall so much memories of him, you can’t remember easily but you know that regret taints those happy moments now. Put the hurt aside, agony of a broken heart and lost trust. Put aside everything bad and you only feel emptiness. Since you trained yourself how to live without him, everything related to those perfect blue eyes loses a meaning. Something learned, something you turned yourself into is hard to break.

It’s hard to break the distance you put between your mind and heart.

It’s hard to break the habit you achieved alone; yes, you feel proud of surviving a fatal heartbreak, you can’t deny that. It’s something you achieved while bleeding and grasping to hold onto something while every bone in your body was broken and crushed to dust. And now when you grew everything back, new and alive you can’t allow yourself to break again to achieve the state you were before your first breakdown.

It just costs too much.

And considering that in order to get back to your old self you need to die again for a fragile thing that could go so wrong is just _insane_. It takes more sacrifice than it should, too much effort when it’s not guaranteed with a reward in the end. It’s just not safe. You’ll walk on thin ice; no other metaphor could express your situation. One wrong step and you’ll end up with icy water filled lungs and body going numb from head to toe. And you have to understand that there is a chance that there would be no hand over the surface to grasp at your and pull you out.

Pull you out of this bullshit.

If you only had acted different.

You get up and leave the dry stain untouched. Unwashed detergent lingers in your living room while you slowly close the bathroom behind you, escaping the smell. Now you have one more problem and it was again you who caused it.

If only you haven’t touched that spot.

Why on Earth haven’t you said

 _Rot in hell_. Or

 _Get the fuck away from me_. Or

 _Fuck you_. Or

…

You were never a heavy revilers nor did you use such words often. You like the sweet taste of affectionate words and the light weight of sweet talk. You enjoy using cheesy lines, getting yourself embarrassed with romantic quotes everyone hates but no matter how foolish you might sounded, those words were dear to your heart. And knowing that those words caused someone to blush, stutter back a reply, or look to the side made your heart skip a beat. You wanted to learn more, speak more of that languagebecause every person in your life deserves words like this. You don’t have to love someone physically - sometimes your voice could do wonders.

_Rot in hell. Get the fuck away from me. Fuck you._

Maybe he knew it so he turned your greatest strength into your greatest weakness? Not maybe. _For sure_. He knew it so well. Right? In the end he was the person you worshiped with those words.

You smack your fingers over your lips lightly bruised from the biting while you ‘’cleaned’’ the couch.  You repeat the motion until is turns into frantic rubbing, a desperate try to wipe his fresh prints off you, a defensive mechanism for a traumatic experience you try to push deep into oblivion. Itching and burning, your skin tingles from your frantic touch and you manage to still your shaking hand, fingers dancing nervously in the air.

You take a shaky breath.

What in the world are you turning yourself into?

The touch of something metallic brings you back among the living, cold water hits your face and some of it gets into your eyes. It stings for a bit and somehow you find it pleasant, it’s a good replacement for the sting tears bring when they threat to spill over. Eyes shut tight, darkness surrounding your vision, you feel a little bit calmer. Your heart still beats a little bit frantic, just a little bit, but it’s getting better.

Maybe you should call your mother and ask her for a little talk over coffee and a piece of your favourite cake?

Or you should visit your father, the great psychiatrist and get this thing done down the professional road?

Mother or father?

Home or office?

Heart or mind?

The last time you followed your heart resulted in a disaster but aren’t you a little bit too sane to visit a psychiatrist? It’s not like you’re crazy, right? You’re just heartbroken - no, you healed and you moved on but again, you’re just insecure. That’s it. He came out of nowhere, you kissed him, you got confused, the world is still rotating, you’re fine.

Yes, _you’re fine_.

But why are you shaking five minutes later when you press the call button and the voice of your father fills your ears?

(…)

‘’You’re talking too much. What’s wrong?’’ You scratch your nose. He knows.

‘’Nothing, just came to say hi.’’

‘’You could have done that over a fancy family dinner. Not in the middle of work.’’

‘’I live in the moment, dad. I don’t make plans for the future.’’

‘’Well, according to your plan, college sounded too futuristic?’’

‘’Are we going to have _that_ conversation again?’’

You hate it. You don’t regret what happened but the disappointment that crosses his soft face is what’s really infuriating you. He still tries to control your life, you’re his little son, and like the parent he is, he’ll do anything to get you back on college days. It shows you he still cares but he cares too much tying you to one place and not letting you go until you’re where he wants you at.

Fuck college.

What happened there stays there.

‘’Eren…’’ he begins and looks to the side. And when he finishes his exhale with such dramatic tone like he wants to scold you when you were a kid for running through the house with your shoes on because you’re too lazy to take them off and need to drink a quick glass of water, he feels he’s pushing some boundaries too far. He leaves you be. He’s giving up. It’s a small step forward but it’ll take some time to call it a victory. He stands up and takes two glasses out. ‘’You want juice?’’

‘’No alcohol?’’

‘’Eren, we’re in my office.’’

‘’But I like Scotch.’’

‘’Me too, but let’s save it for the fancy family dinner, right?’’ You hate the psychological game he’s playing with you, using your own words against you and watching you squirm over your own mistakes. But what you hate more the little wink he sends you when he strikes your nerve.

You cross your leg over the other and lean on your hand. You came here to talk and not play word games of sip on apple juice that’s too sweet for your taste.

‘’I’m not crazy.’’

‘’My job is to talk to crazy people.’’

‘’Dad.’’ You look up and see him smiling. He’s been waiting for this moment. ‘’My ex wants me back.’’ You say it with a tired, defeated voice. And you are. You are defeated. You don’t know what to do anymore, you tried so many things to forget, calm your mind but nothing worked. And it’s only getting worse. The more you try the more mistakes you make.

Like kissing him.

You’re tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of this situation. Tired of trying to find a solution.  An explanation. Relief.

‘’Levi?’’

‘’Yeah.’’ It’s weird to hear his name on your father’s lips. It doesn’t sound that sad when you say it.

‘’So?’’

You stare off into the corner. There is nothing particular interesting there, not even a speck of dust or a thread of cobwebs.  A little bit does that remind you of the life when the house you live in now was filled with two souls; a spotless floor and the fresh smell lingering over your clothes. It’s kind of melancholic.

‘’I kissed him.’’ You swallow that big knot in your throat. ‘’I’m scared I might go crazy.’’ You feel so helpless. The fact that you’re declaring your own defeat in front of your father when you couldn’t even realize that by yourself feel so strange, like a different person. Maybe your conscience or sane side of your brain are playing with you, they interrupt your train of thoughts and put theirs into your voice.

‘’Love is not an illness, my dear.’’ He shakes his head a little, a slight smile hiding under his fingers. ‘’It doesn’t damage the brain, like you think. It damages the heart but you know that a broken heart can heal, but a broken mind can’t.’’

‘’Love is something that not even science can reach or touch. It’s something you can’t experiment with nor pull something out of it to create a new molecule. Love is in our genes, but at the same time it doesn’t have to mean that it can be isolated and studied. No one got the Nobel award for love.’’

Sometimes you’re glad over your decisions because right now you thank your father for curing your illness with his love.

‘’The human mind will never understand love and will never get to its core. You see, love comes in different kinds and still stays the same: we bind. You bind with a friend, your parents or someone who is your soul mate. You even bind with animals which we believe have a different kind of love towards us, but in fact it’s the same. People bind with other things, things that are not alive, they hold onto memories! It’s a protein, Eren. A protein in our brain! We fall in love with organic things. The moon. Art. Imaginary things. The same gender.’’ He smiles a little bit wider and you have to smile back. Suddenly, you feel warm.

‘’Love is something that keeps us going, with love we create things: living ones or not. And as much as love is a wonderful phenomenon it can also bring pain, heartache, disappointment… And that’s okay. Even if it kills you, love has the ability to bring someone back to life.’’

There he stops abruptly, a hand clasping over his mouth. You stare at him wide eyed.

‘’Actually, love _can_ kill you and it’s called the _broken heart syndrome_ where a traumatic incident triggers the brain to distribute chemicals that weaken heart tissue. So literally you can die from a broken heart.’’

‘’Dad.’’ You roll with your eyes.

‘’Don’t be such a fun-fact spoiler! A little bit of science never hurts, right?’’ he takes a sip from his glass and pops his lips in such annoying fashion. You sigh; he’s an adult acting like a child. For fuck’s sake he is a psychiatrist! Maybe he’s the one who needs a psychiatrist in the end.

‘’Remember that. It’s an infuriating thing, but feeling like you do now is not a mental illness, my son. Love might be crazy but it will never drive you crazy in the real sense of word.’’

‘’You’re being too poetic.’’ You scoff trying to be cool but the heart that’s fluttering in your chest says otherwise. Fuck, you feel like a twelve year old.

‘’I’m a psychiatrist. We are poets for crazy people.’’

‘’But you said I’m not crazy.’’

He laughed. A short but warm laugh.

‘’I never said you were _crazy in love_ , right?’’

The word game. Never will you win at that.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s been fourteen days.

Fourteen days of father – son pillow talks and furniture scrubbing while listening to sad songs and sighing out loud in the attic.

Fourteen days of trying to brush the dust off its surface. The one year loneliness hasn’t touched it and you smile. The colors are still the same; the darkness hasn’t sucked up their brightness. It smells a little bit dusty though, you have to admit that. The corners are still the same. The wood hasn’t changed its shade and composition. It still holds onto the memory of him.

This is the only thing he didn’t take when he left.

You’re actually happy about that. After all this was your first college project before you’ve done shit and dropped out. This was the first thing you were satisfied with after working on it for days, weeks…And it still warms your heart when the slight smell of cigarettes lingers when you bring it close to your nose, or the little coffee stain the professor didn’t see you tried to cover up with more paint only leading into a mess of brown and white and frustrated shouts and sweet kissing.

Oh, how you miss this. Even though he hated it, you knew he couldn’t resist being painted with your lips while you were working. Even though he hated to look at you with smudges all over your face and arms, you knew he loved to observe you from the corner of his eye or cast you small glances from the doorstep or hallway.

You miss it while your fingers run over the lines and dried paint.

You miss him.

Eren stop it.

Please, don’t.

Please don’t do this to yourself.

You cover it up with the old rag and place it in the box again. Maybe you should tape the box up so you don’t have to find yourself in the attic and watch it with teary eyes every time you pass the corner in your house were it once proudly stood. Maybe you should just put it away for another year. Let it collect melancholic dust and fade its colors through time and silent darkness. Maybe you should…

Burn it.

But burning it means losing it forever. Losing every color it took you to outline his head. Every line it took you to build his wonderful frame. Every kiss he gave you after you asked him for his opinion, an _Eren, it’s wonderful_ reaching your ears as his final answer. You grew tired of it because you knew it was a disaster, it was just an ugly drabble wherewith you’ll fail the project but he kept on telling you how wonderful it was.

_Perfect._

And you believed him. Every word he told you from behind, breathing into your hair while his arms were around your neck. Every night where he begged you to go to sleep before you worked yourself into the hospital and seriously get ill. You believed him more than yourself. Because you hated your mind, you always saw everything from the dark side, you believed in failures, flaws…But he believed in the perfection you created. He believed in your talent. In you.

And that’s what took you to stop doing what you once loved. Without the only thing that gave you strength, kept you going, bleeding colors and breaking brushes it just got empty. An empty canvas with nothing to be painted on. An useless artist without inspiration. When your muse left, every sketch, every little portrait of him was just a body with a blank face.

Art without beauty.

A person without a name.

It’s been more than one year since you haven’t touched paint. One year since you haven’t asked _‘’Levi what do you think? Should I change this? Does this color go with this?’’_ and they all died in your mouth, somewhere stuck in your throat. You don’t know if you’ll ever be able to get them out, make them come alive for your muse.

You don’t even know if you’ll ever find a breathtaking muse as him.

You get up and brush your knees while you look around. This used to be your favourite place to be where you sat for hours and just worked. You got yourself dirty with paint, brushed the sweat off your forehead with your sleeve and drank cold coffee from the little table near the window. A simple light bulb hung from the ceiling; you never bothered to buy a chandelier - otherwise it would have just stolen your light. Empty glasses that used to be filled with colorful water still sit on the chair he used to sit on when he watched you. There are still the cases with unwashed brushes. The paint has already hardened and you don’t think about cleaning them, it would be useless after all. They belong into the trash, you sigh.

You sit down at the old stool you used to sit, eat and sleep on for days. It still creaks in the same high pitched moan Levi hated when he came to observe you when he got home after work. He would usually sit on the stool near the little table, black tea steaming into the open window, the cigarette you two shared slowly burning between his slender fingers. He would tap the ashes so elegantly into the giant shell you found one time at the beach back in high school and it’s still filled with ash. Untouched and cold.

Fuck.You feel so _lonely._

You take out a pack of cigarettes counting them carefully, which became an annoying habit, until you settle for number seven and place it between your dry lips. Heat spreads in front of your face and you light your cigarette up and take a dramatic drag. Pathetic and hopeless. With so much sadness and frustration you blow it out of your system angry at yourself for remembering all those memories. Fuck everything that goes with cigarettes and hurt lovers and lonely hearts. Fuck everything that goes with trying to move on when you’re stuck. Fuck everything.

Another angry drag fills your lungs this time burning your throat and you shake your head. It’s so funny; nobody is here with you so there’s no need to express yourself like that. Why don’t you just sit there and suffer in silence, alone with your fragile memory of the time you were someone who was just an art student trying to satisfy your professors and paint your heavenly beautiful boyfriend who was secretly your model whenever he didn’t look at you. Instead, you furrow your brows, squirm in this chair, shake your head and wave your hand in the air having a fight with the loneliness that crushes your pride.

While the smoke cuts the air above your head you fight to stay sane. Father doesn’t even help. He always talks about love, like it’s the holiest thing in the world when it brought you awful sins. He talks about getting better when actually you’re just getting worse. Getting rid of the source which causes your pain is not enough when its venom still roams in your veins and can’t get out because there is no cure for this illness.

This illness you have can’t be cured with daddy advices on lost loves or petting small muzzles that press into your face…

You get up and take the cigarette out in the shell, the cold grey ash mixing with the hot one. You don’t bother to close the box with your muse in it as you rush down the stairs. Maybe you’ll give it one last look when you decide if you’ll burn it or throw it in the river or just eat it for your breakfast. You don’t have time for artistic crises and pyromaniac tendencies when you need to be on your workplace _right now._

Fuck you Levi for never telling me what time it is.

Fuck you for not being here.

Brushing your teeth and calling your boss just belongs into a sitcom scene. She yells at you and you apologize with foam littering your mirror while you try to explain why you’re late. It’s not like you can tell her that you’re still mourning over your boyfriend but totally don’t want him because you’re too fucking insane to realize that you deny your life and have slight pyromaniac tendencies when you could just set yourself on fire and not the memory of him. It’s not like you can tell her you’re losing your shit because he wants you back but you’re too scared of being hurt not by him but yourself. It’s not like you can tell her that you have PMS (postbreakup –manbitchingoverlostboyfriend- syndrome) and beg her to stay home so you can sit more and scrub your furniture and listen to Celine Dion and smoke cigarettes in ghost haunting attics.

Eventually she lets go. You know it’s because she’s in love with your eyes and wants them when you die before her (you don’t know if she’s joking or deadly serious) so she gives you extra fifteen minutes before she taps your ass in front of the dogs and lets Ricky the neurotic Chihuahua dry hump your leg.

(…)

‘’Leslie, no!’’ You just can’t lie to yourself and say you hate the wet feeling of the German shepherd’s tongue on your face. Or the feeling of Bernie’s fur under your fingers which needs a fur-cut immediately. You know how Poodles go crazy with things getting stuck in their fur. But the most you deny you hate is the sweet look Ricky casts you from behind the group and silently smirks at your leg and you know there’s no use, he’s in love with your limb anyway.  


But you love it. Every bark, sniff or just a nuzzle makes you think that it’s not that bad. That you’re not close to losing your mind and crawling back to your ex. It’s not because they’re just simple dogs. They are all drop outs, family problems, lost little hearts that nobody wants. Even though Leslie tackles you to ground you wonder how much strength he can have with only three legs, or how much Bernie likes to show off even though there’s no fur on his back legs and well, a part of his tail is missing.  


Okay, Ricky is neurotic.  That’s all.

They all remind you of yourself. Broken but happy. They don’t need to be fixed to be loved. They just need to be loved. And maybe it’s the being broken thing that holds you close to them or the fact that they have no one to come home to just like you. Or maybe it’s because they’re just dogs.

Mouth open, tongue sticking out – they’re just happy. Foolishly happy.

‘’That’s the fourth time in a row, Eren. What’s going on?’’ you turn your head to the source of scolding and you see your boss standing near the door, holding some papers in her hand. She gives you a worried look under her glasses but it doesn’t match the stern voice of her. It’s like she’s trying to help you with your problem with a little help of scolding and authority you didn’t have since you finished middle school.

Everything you want to say to her sounds dumb to your own ears and too embarrassing to be honest. Even if you tell her everything she’ll just laugh and call you pathetic to even think about getting back with your ex who cheated on you, left you and told you to forget him. She’ll tell you how a fool you are for even spending your time and energy on such things when you should have kicked him out the moment he knocked on your door. But what you are afraid of the most is the fact that she will tell you how weak you are. How spineless you are. How pathetic and hopeless you are without people you care about.

But you don’t want that. She doesn’t know what weak is.

You’re not weak when you smile through gritted teeth and a hurting chest. When you move on even though every part of your soul clings to the old life and the string that binds you to them rips apart painfully, leaving a mess of unfinished thoughts, bitter tears and dusty paintings.

 She doesn’t know what weak is.

You’re not weak when you push away the person you still love. Leave everything behind when you can have everything again, just the way it was, just the way you loved it.

As much as it hurts to not have what you used to, in order to free yourself you have to give everything up. The chance, the possibility of that to happen is big, but you have to miss it, let it slip through your fingers even though it’s so close… They’re not lying when they say you have to let go. It will hurt but you’ll heal; the human body is a miracle with so much undiscovered mysteries it’s using to cope with hurt, pain or loss…

After all you believe in miracles.

So you’ll have to believe in yourself and move on.

‘’Nothing.’’ You finally find her eyes and give her a small smile. It’s not the best situation you wanted to be but you’re kinda thankful for Bernie’s cocky attitude and his need to show off in front of your boss so he covers your face with his white fur and hides your miserable face.

Like you said, they’re not just dogs.

They’re your friends.

She pats his head and for a moment the stern look fades away while her eyes linger on Bernie’s head where her fingers brush the soft fur. But when her hand withdraws her walls are up again and as much as the dogs want to help you out they can’t break her not so motherly attitude.

‘’You know it’s not acceptable, Eren. I’m afraid you’ll get to know the consequences…You’re our best here, my dear. The dogs love you and you take so much care of them and…’’ she bends down, her hand now on Leslies back and sighs. ’’Whatever is going on with your life, please solve it and don’t let it affect you. I know it’s not my business but I don’t want you to ruin everything. Especially not your life. Maybe you’ll think that I’m a control freak but I can see everything Eren. The bags under your eyes…You got thinner…There is something that bothers you. I know. Even the dogs know.’’ She gives them a small smile and in the distance you can hear Ricky bark. It’s such a funny scene, it’s like they understand her too and even though his little squeak isn’t near a bark you give in and laugh. You love Ricky. Who doesn’t love him?

‘’If you are ready to talk to someone you can come to me, you know. I may be a little bit old or crazy sometimes but I have a heart and believe me my heart was broken too.’’

‘’Wait…’’ you furrow your brow. How does she know?

She straightens up and gives you a smile.

‘’You’re such a fool, Eren. Don’t you see how much you radiate with the ‘’broken-heart aura’’. You’re turning yourself into a girl.’’ She chuckles a bit and signs you to follow her. ‘’Believe me, I can hear Celine Dion through your earphones.’’

You hide your blush by rubbing your eyes.  It gets so annoying that people can read you. They know you’re suffering but no one tries to help. They offer you advices but those are just empty words. No one has extended their hand for you to grab it. No one hugged you. No one tried to comfort you.

They all just promised.

But in the end that’s what he did too.

And he broke it.

So you hope with a little bit of isolating people will stop noticing how down you are, how much you’re struggling with yourself. You just hope they won’t notice how you’re drowning and try to pull you out. But if they do that you’re afraid of how you will survive outside, alone?  No one can give you their lungs so you can breathe again. No one will give you their heart so it could beat like it used to before it broke. No one will give their life for you to live.

So it’s better to die. Die alone but set yourself free. Just doing that alone makes you be at ease. You don’t need anyone to fix you. They fix you and they break you. They know where they glued you together, all the places where the stiches are. After they memorize your weakness and scars it’s not that hard to pull on those places again and let you fall apart.

You’re the only one who should know where your scars are. It’s safer that way.

She stops in front of the nursery and puts a finger to her lips.

As much as you hate grey eyes the ones you lock your eyes with capture your heart in an eye bat. As much as they remind you of him you can’t stop but fall in love with them.

Old habits die hard, they say.

(…)

‘’So you’re adopting a dog?’’

‘’I’m not adopting a kid, dad. Don’t pull that face.’’ You throw your head against the chair and stare at the white ceiling.

‘’You know there comes responsibility for that.’’

‘’I am not seven dad.’’

‘’I know but-‘’

‘’But what?’’ you cut him off. He stares at you and you know the things he wants to say are the same you think about right now but you manage to speak before him. It’s better to hear it come from yourself than from someone else.

It hurts less.

‘’Because I can’t move on?’’

‘’No, look Eren-‘’

‘’No, don’t try to treat me like one of you patients dad. I think I can perfectly adopt a dog and take care of it. I’m not mentally unstable! Look I can perfectly take care of myself!’’

But the look he gives you, the squeeze in your chest tell you that you’re lying.

‘’I don’t care what you think of me but I will adopt that dog dad! I’m fucking 23! And I will give him an ugly name and take selfies with him and buy him sweaters when I feel like! Because I don’t need everybody telling me that I can’t do that alone. I don’t want you all pitying me over a little breakup. He left and I moved on and I will live my life without anyone telling me ‘ _Eren I’m sorry but you can’t do that, you’re still heartbroken, are you sure you can handle it alone?’_ because I can. I can live alone, work and pay for that big ass house that’s too big for me but you know-‘’

You take in a breath and he holds up his hands in front of him. You give him a confused look; why is he interrupting you when you’re pouring your little heart out, get out the last drops of him of your system? You hate it when he gives you an apologetic smile and shrugs with his shoulders.

‘’What?’’ You cross your arms over your chest and pout.

‘’All I wanted to say is how you’re supposed to raise a puppy with one blind eye?’’

You hate your father.

This was a huge mistake. A huge mistake you’re fault for and now you have to pay the price. It’s been fourteen days since you’re coming to your father’s office and seek for help in form of family talks and pouting. In form of father-son relationships that belong in the living room, on the sofa with a bag of chips and two bottles of beer and not in his office in the middle of a psych ward. And what annoys you most is that it’s always the same hour you step into that room and take a seat someone who really needs help sat on.  


This starts to feel weird. You’re turning yourself in one of your daddy’s patients and it’s your own fault. You’re the one who makes appointments when your little soul decides to feel alone. You’re the one who starts to speak of how much you hate him but still miss him. How everything reminds him of you, even the office you’re sitting in. Even the look your father gives you reminds you of him.

You’re terrified to admit that maybe you’re going a little bit crazy.

It’s time to switch to your mother. There’s no use in this. It’s time to be a man and talk your problems over cake and tea.

‘’I’m going.’’ You stand up and grab your bag from the floor.

‘’Your mother is making turkey tonight. It would be nice if you join us. Just like before.’’

‘’Thanks but I’m not hungry.’’ You stay there at the door, hand gripping the doorknob and you deny the fact that your fingers are shaking a bit.

‘’Eren.’’

Tension makes it hard to breathe. Makes it hard to stay upright. Hard to stay sane.

‘’At least visit us, we miss you.’’

You don’t say goodbye because you know you’ll find yourself sitting here tomorrow at the same time with the same problem you’re supposed to talk through with your father. You don’t say goodbye because you’re afraid if you don’t say all of the things on your mind you’ll go insane. Because if things get out of control at least you can be sure the pills daddy prescribes you will help.

They have to.

All you need is to swallow them, close your eyes and forget. Breathe in, breathe out. Lay down and sleep. Sleep the sadness away, the madness that scratches at your skull. The pain what eats away your chest.

You open the door feeling like you opened the gates of hell. Finally you’re out of the hell hole you call your father’s office and try to breathe the polluted air of the hallways. It’s nothing special about the smell but you’re glad. You’re spending too much time in a mental institution talking about broken hearts and blind dogs.

You turn the corner and stop.

Grey eyes lock with yours.

And they don’t belong to the half blind puppy…

‘’Levi?’’

(…)

‘’You put too much sugar in it.’’

‘’Shut up, the coffee here is bitter.’’

‘’You’ll get cavities.’’

‘’Thank God my father isn’t a dentist.’’

‘’Yeah.’’

And you stare at each other.

You take in every detail on his face.

And so does he.

He licks his lips and you clutch your cup.

He looks like a corpse.

And you look nothing better.

‘’You look so old.’’ He blows out a thick cloud of smoke and it swirls around your locks.

‘’And you haven’t aged a bit.’’ You tilt your head to the side and try to imagine him without those dark circles under his eyes.

And so the silence embraces the two of you again. It mixes with the smoke coming from between his thin fingers and the sweet scent of your coffee. A little bit of paint and it would be perfect…

You’re not lying when you say he didn’t age a bit. He still sports the undercut from his high school days and his bangs are the same length as they were when you last saw him. Maybe he needs a new shave, the undercut is a little bit longer and if you two weren’t in this cold lover war you would have ran your fingers through it gladly and let the soft hair tickle your fingertips. His eyebrows are still thin and formed in a perfect line and you always get this image how they look like two beautiful lines made with an ink pen on his pale face. But surprisingly they aren’t furrowed and it’s weird to look at this because they always used to be a bit furrowed, giving him an older look. But this time they just lay there on his face, dead and expressionless, adding more to his youthful look. His eyes are a bit dull, pupils blown wide and there’s a little circle of your favourite shade of grey hugging them.

His lips are dry and pale, they almost match his skin. It’s so sad to see how the color drained from them, left those two soft lines fading in the sunlight. You miss the color. It was your favourite to kiss. You don’t dare to look at his frame. He’s so thin and vulnerable and your arms ache to take him to your chest and just wrap them around to stop the shaking. You ache for the feeling of completion, the fit of the right puzzle but you know he can’t fit there anymore when you had cut yourself new edges and curves.

He’s looking so familiar but yet so different. And when he looks at you you get lost in the grey mist, you see the life in them fading away and disappearing into his black pupils. The last time you saw yourself in them was the morning before he left. The moment when you woke up and he already was awake staring into your emerald oceans, you saw yourself in those dead ashes inside and you drowned in them until he closed them sigheing heavily while turning his back to you. It was strange that morning; how his touches felt dull, how his words lingered strange inside your head. You wondered why he didn’t share a cigarette with you when it was his favourite thing in the morning. And while you were sitting there eating in silence, his leg refrained from touching your ankle, the smile he usually put on with that gesture never forming on his lips.

He stirs his black tea in silence, looking down onto the table. It was always black tea and you smiled a bit because that’s the thing that never changed about him. The dark circles, his thin fingers, his pale lips…Time has done its things but the little habits never die and that’s what makes it aching more for you to trace your fingers along his knuckles and let the electrifying feeling wash over your skin.

‘’How are you?’’ words you believed died a long time ago echoed through your throat. It took him by surprise judging by the little jump of his small finger. He looks up and opens his mouth a bit yet no words escape his mouth. He clears his throat and his face turns into the shade where he thinks about his words. So you give him time, you know it’s hard for him too. It was hard enough for him to ask you for a coffee.

‘’To be honest…’’he begins and draws little figurines into the table ‘’I’m a wreck, Eren. I don’t want to lie and play a sick game where I’ll say I’m fine and pretend that our breakup hadn’t a single effect on me.’’ He looks you long in the eyes and continues ‘’I miss you, Eren.  I would like to apologize one more time for what I’ve done but I know it doesn’t mean anything to you. But I’m glad you agreed coming here. I feel kinda happy.’’ He smiles at the end and it pulls at your heart strings. ‘’So how are you?’’

 ‘’Me?’’ you chuckle ‘’I think the fact that I visit my dad in the psych ward every day tells I’m doing awesome.’’ The words feel bitter on your lips. You feel like an infant being fed with food it doesn’t like and you can’t protect yourself from the taste but your words keep on coming out. Your tongue burns but it still comes out. It hurts to tell him how hard life is on you. How much it hurts to deal with the memory of everything you two had. How much sour it tastes to talk about your struggle when he’s the thing you’re struggling with.

‘’Welcome to the club.’’ You take a sip to ease the burning. But the hot coffee only adds to the pain on your tongue. He gives you a weak smile knowing that you’re in the same shitty situation as him. ‘’You can imagine how great I’m doing by visiting my father and adopting a dog. I mean, I can’t say life is a shithole but the things that go with life are. And you know which things.’’  You lean on your hand because suddenly your head feels heavy.

‘’But the best part of sucking balls is agreeing to go on a coffee with my ex. I mean, what can go wrong?’’

‘’Yeah, I totally agree.’’ He chuckles with you and it’s so ironic that you both feel this way and know that maybe you can make a deal but on the other hand you know that it’s impossible. So you both settle down with some bitter humor and secret glances that tell so much more than what they mean.

‘’Armin’s in Japan. Mikasa’s in Germany.  Even Jean has his feet buried in deep sand somewhere in Australia. And I’m stuck here.’’

‘’And it sucks.’’ He finishes your thought.

But fuck it how familiar this feels. How weird it is when he finishes your thought just the right way even though he’s not a part of your life anymore. How can he do that? 

‘’At least I have my cigarettes. Hallelujah to the slow killer for melancholic moments in the attic.’’

Levi shakes his head a bit knowing how much you’re a nicotine addict. So he turns to his bag and fishes something out.

‘’Hallelujah to the shit they feed me.’’

‘’Prozac?’’

‘’I hate that shit but at least it knocks me out for some hours. Feels shitty but can’t complain.’’

And then you understand how both of you are doing horrible.

Meeting in such grotesque occasion, crossing paths on the fucked up road you can’t ignore the feeling that somehow it was meant to be. There’s something about this whole scene, the pills, the psych ward, your dad’s office that gives you a strange feeling of how life has some fucked up plans with you two.

It’s not like in romantic movies where you cross the bridge and lock your eyes and forgive everything the other did.

This here is messy.

Fucked up.

Bloody and bruised and broken you two are taking care of each other’s wounds after this messy war. Both of you drag your aching bones to the other’s lap to rest upon. Both of you spill blood over each other’s lips in hope the apology will work, the rejection will hurt less.

‘’Can you at least burrow me your recipe so I don’t have to ask my dad and get a speech about the history of pill effects on my brain and all that shit.’’

A little bit of cheating won’t hurt. Your dad doesn’t have to know you’re taking pills that maybe you don’t need. If Levi starts to drag you with him, fake happiness won’t hurt. And a little act will prove your father that you’re perfectly fine.

You’re been cheated on the whole time.

Maybe it’s good to start being the cheater.

‘’You’re still painting?’’ The question comes a bit rushed and you jump from the shock that rips through your body.

‘’No.’’ You cast you head down trying to suppress the shades of colors you used on that picture. A mantra of _notnownotnownotnow_ fills your head and you hope you’re not saying it out loud.

‘’I just wanted-‘’ he stops and fidgets with his fingers. ‘’I mean after I left…I wanted to know what you did with the picture. In case you don’t want it I would like to have it.’’ He’s looking at his fingers too avoiding your stare.

He wants it?

But…

It’s not fair!

How dare he think to have the thing that cost you your future? How dare he think to have the thing you risked so much with? Lost so much but still kept it like it was a masterpiece.

It is a masterpiece.

It’s Levi’s portrait.

His naked back turned to your hungry eyes, legs tangled heavenly in bed sheets. Black ink poured over a snow white pillow, the sunlight turning it into gold on some places. Shadows dancing on his sleeping form where he breathes.

You’re not ready to give away the thing you fought so hard for until you’ve been kicked out of college. The thing you protected and stood up for even though your shitty teacher hated it and said it was a piece of shit.

_Rot in hell._

_Get the fuck away from me._

_Fuck off._

But you forgot to add _faggot._

It’s what you professor said when you told him it was your boyfriend you painted for the project. It’s what your homophobic professor said after insulting you and your piece of gay scum boyfriend.

And you couldn’t let him curse the holiest thing in your eyes.

So you spat and spat and spat until your father yelled at you how immature you were and you got your papers shoved into your arms and a hard kick to your ass sent you sprawling on the street.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ You almost whisper. ‘’I don’t think I can give it to you.’’

You can’t suddenly have a thing you refused to take. It stood there in the corner, free to grab it, break it, burn it. But he didn’t touch it. It was his decision you respected. It was his own mistake.

Even though ‘’ _To Levi, a wonderful person and a beautiful secret model’’_ stays on the backside it doesn’t belong to him anymore.

‘’Sorry.’’ He mutters under his cup of tea.

‘’It’s okay.’’ You finish.

You can’t stop but feel something crawling in your chest at how good you’re both at this. Finishing each other’s thoughts when you’re not soulmates anymore. It feels so strange. But a nice kind of strange.

And you stare at each other. For a long time you just search each other’s eyes in hope to find something hidden deep under.

But it’s funny how once you found yourself in them but now there’s nothing.

Black and grey. Emerald and black.

It hurts a bit to see that you’re not in those eyes anymore. And as much as you hate looking into them you found yourself hoping to see a little speck of brown hair. A little dot of emerald.

You follow his hand bringing the cigarette to his lips where he takes a long drag and holds it long in his lungs.

There is no hesitance when your hand reaches out and takes it from the ashtray.

You bring it to you lips, your lungs aching to inhale the thick smoke mixed with his essence.

But you stop.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ You take a sharp breath realizing what you’re doing.

You haven’t shared a cigarette in over a year.

‘’It’s okay.’’ He whispers. ‘’Old habits die hard.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I passed my first year of college and now I'm finally having free time! Yaaay! So I will try to update this fic regularly!  
> Thank you for all the kudos! I love you all. xx
> 
> http://prozacx.tumblr.com/


	5. Chapter 5

When November knocks against your window and the gas bill gets ridiculously high you know it’s been one month since he came back. They sky is grey and looks like God above is smoking cigarettes. Somehow it doesn’t disturb you; the greyness that lingers around houses in form of mist for you always develops a love/hate relationship around this time of the year.  


You hate it because it blocks your view on your way to work and adds to the misery residing in your poor, weakened soul.

You love it because it gives you a safe wing, lets you think about your shitty life at 7 am when you’re sipping on your good morning coffee.

When November knocks at your window you know you’re too lonely for the house you’re living in and that’s too big for only one person. Even though the home you’re living in feels warm, it doesn’t feel like _home_. A cold wind blows through the curtains on your balcony, the halls always get an icy aura that glides down your shoulder blades and nestles at the back of your thighs.

You’re too tired for November.

And while you drag your tired bones to your new couch and watch old movies with one hand buried in a bag of chips something nudges your foot.

Oh, it’s the dog.

The dog you’re not capable of taking care of. The one for you’re too emotional to give a real home. The one you’re too heart-broken to give the love he needs.

She stares at you with her steel grey eyes, one lighter than the other and her stare bores into your chest. You can’t just leave her on the floor but when you think about it she’s just being peppered too much but what can you do when you’re lonely on a Saturday night and your heart beats strangely quick like you’re anticipating someone but no one is knocking?

‘’You’re up for cuddling?’’ you put her on your lap and she immediately curls just like a cat. She got a little bit lighter and a little bit slower but she always finds a way to make herself comfortable. ‘’Jurassic Park is on.’’ You say as if she can understand you. ‘’it’s the part where the kids shit their pants in the kitchen.’’ You ruffle her head and she closes her eyes.

You need someone to talk to.

It feels a little bit silly to have one sided conversations with a half blind dog but in the moment it’s the only thing that keeps you from feeling lonely.

You miss those Saturday nights in November.

The way he would nestle against you and prop his feet on the other side of the old couch you once had. He would drape the blanket all to his chin and pretend to be asleep only his hand stroking your fingers under the blanket. And when the too loud commercials pop up he would always mutter to turn the volume down but when the movie starts again he would whisper to you to turn the volume up because he can’t hear a damn thing.

Saturday nights were always so lazy. Both showered and clean, satiated and comfortable on the couch you would spend the late night hours pretending to be sleeping and secretly stroking the other’s skin. It was a consensual thing; both of you enjoyed it and knew that this little way of shoving affection deepened the bond between you.

Saturday nights meant making out like teenagers when the movie was over.

It meant making love when he knocked the lamp over the nightstand because you were wresting like seven year old boys.

It meant having pillow talks about how useless flies are and how good Levi’s cheesecake is.

But now it’s just  a Saturday night.

It’s you and your half blind dog.

It’s you who wants someone to talk to and a dog who still hasn’t memorized your house and still knocks her head against your furniture.

When you look down Maya is asleep on your lap and the movie’s end credits roll down the screen. The house is quiet and your chest hurts.

God, you’re so lonely.

You don’t know the time zone in Germany or the time zone in Japan. You don’t know how much it’ll cost if you call Mikasa on her phone or how many days Armin would stay in Tokyo. You don’t know if the pills you got with Levi’s recipe will help you fall asleep tonight nor you know if crying is the best way to spend your Saturday night.

Officially, you hate Saturday nights.

Dialing a number you know will answer you, you breathe out a long sigh still trying to beat the frown on your lips.

‘’Eren?’’ it’s late and the hoarse voice proves you that it was a wrong choice.

‘’Can you come over?’’ you hate the desperate sound in your voice.

There is a pause and your heart beats frantically against your chest.

‘’Sure.’’

With no other word you end the call. It’s a wrong choice you knew from the moment your finger dialed the number. But what can go wrong on a Saturday night?

 

(…)

 

_thump. thump._

You open the door.

_thump. thump._

Your throat itches.

_thump. thump._

He takes his coat off and places it on the hanger. On the exact place he always hanged his coat on.

_thump. thump._

You resist the urge to take his scarf off.

_thump. thump._

He sits on your new couch and you offer him tee. Black. It’s always been black tea.

_thump. thump._

‘’So why the sudden call?’’ you make yourself busy preparing his tea while trying to ignore the shiver that runs down your arms. You don’t dare yourself to turn. You’re not ready.

You bite your lip. What are you going to say to him?

‘’I…just felt lonely.’’

He says nothing for a long moment. You feel a thick tension between you and it presses against your back and makes it hard for you to breathe. Your fingers don’t play along and you hiss every time the tea threatens to spill over all the way to the coffee table where you place it in front of him. You know he saw your hands shaking but he doesn’t say a thing. It’s because his hands are shaking too.

This is so ridiculous you think to yourself. Why of all people did you call him? Isn’t he the one who put you into this loneliness? The one who caused you this state you’re in?

But somehow when you both settle on the couch and your backs press against it, the air you’re both dying to not inhale feels nice. Somehow the heat that comes off his body feels pleasant against your arm even though he’s not close to you. It doesn’t burn anymore. He doesn’t stink. Somehow the scent that used to be all over you settles deep into your lungs and it brings you a feeling of comfort.

Oh how much have you missed this.

‘’I see I’ve been replaced.’’ He hums under his breath and looks to the sleeping dog next to him. His hand reaches out and pats her gently on the head. The words he said are meant to be harmless but you can’t ignore the sadness that lingers on the last word.

Yeah, Maya is a _replacement_.

Maybe it’s selfish but all the time you were afraid of being lonely. All this time you felt like missing a piece that couldn’t be find. The piece that was missing left when he walked out that door and pushed tears down your cheeks. And you wanted this hole to be filled. You desperately tried to find something that will numb the pain, make the itch go away. But to be honest it didn’t help.

Your father was right. You’re not capable of taking care of a simple dog.

But maybe it was her eyes. Steel grey and soft. Eyes that reminded you of someone.

‘’Her name is Maya.’’ You start with a soft voice. ‘’ She’s an old lady and such a princess. I met her on my work and back then she was less grey and had more teeth but she’s an amazing girl. My boss told me that she was found in an abandoned building taking care of her two puppies and that happened ten years ago. Back then she was in a pretty bad shape and it took her some months to get back on track. But she is a fighter even though she’s blind on one eye and a little bit deaf but she’s still my little girl.’’ You chuckle. ‘’The vet said she hasn’t much to live so I took her under my roof and I make sure she’s tucked in before sleep and has a good session of late night cuddling. At least that’s what she deserves after such tough life and I hope when the time comes she will die happy.’’ You smile at the end not taking eyes of her sleeping form.

Levi glances at you and offers a small smile and for a second you don’t hear his next words but they ring so clear in the air. They roll of his tongue in a warn tone and suddenly it feels hot on your cheeks.

‘’I believe she will. After all she’s with you.’’

Out of embarrassment you take your cup of coffee and bring it to your lips. The hot liquid touches your lips and it burns a bit but nothing could compare to the two suns burning on your cheeks. You don’t dare to look up, you’re afraid he’ll see you blush like a schoolgirl. And instead of being mad at this bastard for cheating on you and leaving you alone and coming back out of nowhere after a year you feel flustered and flattered.  


You shouldn’t but since when you do the things you have to?

He senses your shyness and his voice fills your ears again. Yeah, Saturday nights used to feel like this. But this time you’re not lovers. Just two broken people trying to tie together some broken strings and knowing there is a chance they’ll rip again and cause more damage than the first time.

‘’Where are you working?’’ slowly he fits into this house again and his voice becomes more clear and softer. He wants to talk to you.

You want it too.

‘’I work at the animal rescue center. It’s a nice job, I guess. You’re saving lives and receive love from them and that’s the best gift you can get. The look they cast you when you’re visiting them and see that today they are a little bit better. ‘’ and you picture them all over you every morning when you open the door and they welcome you warmer than a human being can. ‘’The best part is the silent communication between the animals and us. You know what they say just by looking at them. The tail wiggling, the happy barks, some of them are pretty heavy and when they jump on you it feels like a truck drove over you but it all pays off when you see them happy. When you see them getting a new home it’s the best feeling in the world.’’

Levi just smiles at you and there is a look in his steel grey eyes you can’t quite decipher.

But you go on and talk. You know he’ll listen.

‘’You know, they are wonderful beings. They all deserve to be loved and being treated like living things. It breaks my heart when I see them dirty and sick and…looking like…dead corpses. But the moment they eat out of your hand and you gain their trust you realize that even though they experienced bad things from bad people they know there are the good guys out there who want to help them. And it just feels like becoming a father, I guess. You fall in love with them the moment you look them in the eyes and they all become your children right away and you promise to never let go of them.’’

It’s like Maya understands you . With a little help of Levi she gets down from the couch and walks over to you where she puts her nuzzle on your feet. Your chest blooms with warmth.

_Yes Grisha, I’ve made the best decision in my life. Sorry to say but fuck you. Maya is the best thing that happened in my life._

Your hand reaches out and you run it through her grey fur.

‘’That’s why I adopted Maya. I fell in love with her and I can’t imagine what’ll happen when she leaves.’’ You look down only to avoid Levi’s look.

This sound too much familiar.

Levi hums something and leans back to admire the all so familiar ceiling. He says nothing for some time, you too, only the clock ticks the time away. But then he turns to you and his eyes bore holes into your soul.

‘’You know, Eren I envy you. I don’t know how you make this, or how you do this but I envy your strength so much. Here you are, sitting with the shittiest person ever, the one who betrayed you and yet you shine like the brightest star in the dark.’’

You can’t look away.

‘’You hurt so much and I know you went through hell but yet you’re smiling and talking to me. I thought after everything you’ll avoid me and erase me from your life completely. I thought you would abandon me and never want to see me again. But here you are, calling me to come over and just spend some time even though I’m the last person that deserves to hear you this happy.’’

It’s hard to breathe suddenly.

‘’I can’t lie when I say that you’re so better without me but I can’t deny the thought that I still need you, I still want you in my life even though you don’t want it. Eren, I just want it like in the old times. I want us to be friends again. I want you to be my best friend again.’’

Honestly, what are you going to say?

‘’Levi…I-I’’ it’s hard to get out the right words. It’s so hard. ‘’If I didn’t want to see you…I wouldn’t have called you.’’ You feel like your heart might jump out of your throat. ‘’I was hurt. I still am. But somehow it’s hard not to see you when you are here, right in front of me. It’s hard to avoid you when you’re so close.’’ Your fingers are trembling. ‘’ You were my best friend, Levi. How could I hate my best friend? I know what you did was the worst thing you could have done to me but don’t best friends make up?’’ you look up and see him covering his eyes with one hand.

Oh no, not the crying again.

‘’I’m  so sorry, Eren.’’

‘’I know.’’

 

(…)

 

A bottle of cheap wine later and he’s sleeping on your new couch, the old purple blanket draped over his thin body. The same purple blanket he used to wrap himself in on lazy Saturday nights. This time it’s Sunday morning and you’re sitting on a chair across of him. It’s 5 am and there is a comforting silence settling over your house. A new cup of coffee and a cigarette between your fingers, you sit there and stare at his sleeping form.

You fingers itch.

There is something so familiar.

Something that was missing and now is scratching at your skull.

It’s your muse.

_He’s back._

You put the cigarette between your teeth, get up and practically run to the attic where you find your dusty sketch book and un-sharpened pencils. As quiet as you can you get back and you’re smiling because he hasn’t moved an inch. You take out your reading glasses, ignore the old sketches and turn  over a new blank page.

The first lines feel awkward but soon they morph into familiar shapes and flow into his beautiful lines. It’s true when you say he didn’t change a bit. He’s still so beautiful and young. So pale and fragile. So breathtaking.

It’s 6 am and the house is silent. Maya still sleeps in her basket and the clock still ticks away the time. The only thing that echoes through the empty halls is the sound of the pencil scratching on paper. Art being born. Coffee cold and half empty, cigarette burnt to the end you don’t take your eyes off as your hand makes history. Gives birth to passion long forgotten. Brings back memories you never wanted to forget.

Brings back feelings you thought you’d never feel again.

And with every new line you fall in love with him. Your mind screams at you to stop falling because you’ll break again but your heart jus pulls you down, drowning you in his beauty.

It’s 7 am and the first sunrays lighten up the room. You turn off the small lamp and take off your glasses. With one last glance you finish the last line. Within a minute you add the date, the hour this masterpiece was born and in one corner you write something down.

Your heart skips a beat with every word you mark this sheet of paper with.

It’s 8 am and he wakes up. Another cup of coffee joins the other ones together with one filled with black tea. Cigarette smoke swirls around the chandelier and Levi can’t stop apologizing for falling asleep on your couch.

It’s not that hard to make up and excuse.

‘’Eren, I’m so sorry.’’ He puts on his coat.

‘’How many times did I tell you that it’s okay.’’

‘’You’re not mad?’’ God, he looks like a child.

You just shake your head and smile softly. He opens the door but hesitates to take the first step out.

‘’Thank you.’’ He turns and looks you long in the eyes.

‘’No problem.’’

‘’No, Eren. I really mean it. You don’t know how much this means to me.’’

‘’I know.’’

He looks down and wraps his scarf one more time around his neck. November bites at your body. It’s fucking cold outside.

‘’I should go then.’’ He clears his throat.

Before he walks away your voice rings through the mist.

‘’Thank you.’’

He gives you a confused look.

‘’For coming over.’’

It’s not only for that.

 

_Thank you Levi for coming back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna thank you for all the kudos. I can't tell you how much this makes me happy.
> 
> Yeah, what to say on this chapter? It's becoming more ereri and I'm happy it goes that way. Really, I'm tired of myself making all these scenarios where they both hurt each other and there is angst and all that shit. blah 
> 
> I hope you didn't wait long for this update. Here is a hug for everyone.
> 
>  
> 
> http://prozacx.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> p.s i still don't know what to do with mikasa and armin *sighs


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added new tags. hihi
> 
> Finally finished this fucking chapter. It's a peek in Levi's life. I always write about how Eren feels and I get sad that we all blame Levi for being a shit. I mean he is but hey he's going through a hard time too. My baby needs some hugs. Maybe I'll add more chapters about Levi's life. I really needed this one. Phew.
> 
> Thank you so much for bearing with this little shit called Prozac.
> 
> http://prozacx.tumblr.com/

That day he developed a new habit.

Things like habits are hard to break and he knows that. So instead, he builds a shelf as long as his memory carries on and carefully places one habit after another on it. He wished the surfaces were clean but he doesn’t dare himself to touch the old dust in fear he’ll bring up a memory, a forgotten habit he never broke but only suppressed. He’s afraid his fingers will try to reach out for chestnut strands that feel wild between his fingers, he’s afraid he won’t catch them when they fall over the white pillow and pool around that beautiful face. He’s afraid he’ll burn his fingertips for longing for warmth under the sheets. He’s afraid he’ll leave a half cigarette on even though there is no one to finish it. He’s afraid he’ll make two cups of black liquids – coffee and black tea, every morning always one getting cold and standing untouched on the kitchen counter.

That day Levi developed a habit of lying in a bathtub filled with cold water.

As he thinks to himself, it’s calming. Numbing. Killing.

But he knows that all of them are not even helping when his mind is exploding with unsaid words and dying thoughts, when the pain becomes unbearable every day he wakes up alone, when the pills he takes in a perfect order make him sicker than he already is.

But he was always stubborn, not like Eren, but in a silent way. So he lets the water take away the warmth that’s left inside of him and kiss the pale skin where Eren once touched him. He closes his eyes and breathes in and out until it turns into a rhythm that matches the clock on the wall in the living room. He sinks and sinks until his upper lip touches the freezing surface and it gets a little bit harder to breathe, a little bit harder to move, a little bit harder to live.

When he opens his eyes he looks though the open bathroom door into an empty living room with barely any photos, plants or life. It’s empty just like him. And where ever he looks there’s something missing and Levi knows exactly what but lies to himself that what he’s missing will come back.

One glance at the clock and knows  he’s going to be late for his appointment. The torture his only friend put him in. Maybe she thinks he’ll get better that way but to him it’s only a waste of his time, of his father’s money and the happiness of the only friend he has.

He gets up slowly. It seems like the water numbed his body, urging him to come back to it and drown in the depths of its coldness. His body starts to shiver but no towel could ease the feeling of falling apart, crumbling down with every step he takes…

He doesn’t look into the mirror, he already knows how he looks like.

Run-down.

And when he stands in front of the dresses knowing that every pair of jeans he possesses became too loose around his hips, he still refuses to look at his reflection. He sighs as he tries to find anything that doesn’t look like he’s wearing a sack for potatoes but eventually he finds one pair that can pass as a piece of clothing.

The shirt and the jacket don’t make any problems they still look good on him covering the frail and thin temple of his dying soul.

Before he exits his small apartment he checks his phone, his heart beating a little bit quicker than usual. For a minute he stares at the blank screen and there’s nothing that should make his heart beat so violently, no words that should make him tremble a bit. With a deep breath he looks away and puts his phone into his pocket. As much as he fights the disappointment that squeezes his rattling chest he tries to tell himself that he gave himself too much hope. He rushed things.

Eren doesn’t want him.

Driving to his appointment, he goes through his practiced words he’ll tell his psychiatrist and with a little bit of good acting and luck she’ll believe him and shove more pills down his throat and promise him that everything will be okay.

And to be honest he likes this kind of way she has with him. They don’t discuss too much, she’s a good listener and a bad reader because God knows how much lies he’s told her and she didn’t get it yet. Or Levi is too stupid to recognize that he’s an open book and every page could be ripped apart with such ease.

And that’s what she’s doing.

With every ‘How are you feeling today?’ he loses bits of his sanity and will to live.

But he tries so hard. He tries so hard to follow her advices and rebuild that mess of a relationship he abandoned for one night. And when she shoves the glue and tape into his hands telling him to make up, fix everything, Levi feels so helpless, so lost. It’s not that easy to fix broken things when no one tells you where to put the tape on or what to glue together?

He could make a mosaic.

He could put everything together, following no order and create something that will break the moment he touches it. This mosaic could bring so much good to them but deep down it’s a lie because this mess of a mosaic, where no piece fits against the other can only bring pain. Pain that will last forever and the regret that will follow for trying to fix this mess when he shouldn’t have touched it will only send him into a downfall where no one could save him.

His only salvation is Eren.

But currently he doesn’t know if what he’s conceived himself is true or just a part of his desperate imagination.

The white walls feel so suffocating as his steps echo through the empty hall. It’s early in the morning and there are a few people but their presence isn’t that notable. He slows a bit when he passes Dr. Jaeger’s office, something like hope bubbling up in his chest. Oh God, how happy would he be to run into emerald oceans and let the waves crash upon him. He wouldn’t care if he doesn’t see himself in them; he knows that the moment he left their house he disappeared from those gorgeous orbs, but dear God, it would make him feel a little bit more alive just to glance at those bright eyes and make sure that they aren’t sad or adorned with tears.

The door doesn’t open and Levi continues his walk to the office he hates so much but finds a strange kind of comfort in.

Before he knocks his eyes glance at the tag.

Dr. Violet Morgan.

‘’Well, let’s see if you’ll change my therapy after this story.’’ He whispers into his chest and knocks.

A simple ‘come in’ echoes on the other side of the gates of hell and he steps in. He’s too grey for the white walls and colorful curtains and for a moment this whole room reminds him of one person.

White canvass and colors.

He scratches at the place where his heart is and gulps down. He has to be calm otherwise he’ll forget his lines and the perfect made up story.

He sits down.

But today it’s different.

Usually he’ll sit down quietly, cross one leg over the other and patiently wait for the golden ‘How are you feeling today, Levi?’

But this time it’s somehow different.

He sits down with force and the chair squeaks a bit.

‘’What are you thinking about right now, Mr. Ackerman?’’

Fucking psychiatrists.

Always finding a new way to make him feel sicker, more helpless and desperate. It’s just one sentence that breaks his walls, one question that knocks him out of his stool and suddenly it’s becoming hard to breathe. Hard to think.

It’s not what he’s used to. It’s not what he memorized from all the sessions he’s been through and now when nothing seems logic, is out of place, he’s starting to realize how much lost he is. How much sick he is for thinking he’s alright. And when a random person pops up a new question he feels just like a confused child, when its mother asks why did he break the vase, he doesn’t know to answer that.

He doesn’t know.

So he stares at her with wide eyes and a hammering heart in his chest. Tongue tied and throat burning he goes over the words stuck in his head, seeking for relief. Seeking for the right words to say. But he fails and only a quiet gulp escapes his lips.

‘’You don’t have to be shy, we’ve talked about it right?’’

‘’But you never changed the question.’’ He blurts out and something like a fever burns his forehead. His head starts to hurt.

She covers her mouth with her delicate fingers and chuckles quietly. ‘’Good observation. But I’ve been thinking that after all this time we had together we should spice our conversations up, right?’’

‘’I don’t like it.’’ He mumbles and finally lets his legs relax. They are still trembling with the fear squeezing the muscle but he’s sure when the air gets thin and his heart rips apart that he could make it to the door.

Out of this hell.

‘’Okay.’’ She says and shifts in her seat. ‘’Would it be better for you to get back to our monotonous conversations where I ask you how you are feeling and we waste another hour of nothing and you throw away your money so you can tell me the same exact story you’re trying to sell me for the past months, or we could change the subject from what you are doing to what’s going on inside you head.’’ And by that she dares to cock her thin eyebrow at him.

‘’I-‘’ Levi starts but soon finds himself in the same situation he was minutes before. He’s catatonic, thoughts raging inside his mind and his heart is aching. Oh, how he would end this all. But it’s not the time. There are still two things to finish.

‘’Take your time, Mr. Ackerman. You don’t have to jump right in, okay? I won’t push you into something you don’t like but it would be nice for you to open yourself a little bit more to me. And it would be nice for you to get a little bit better. You need it, Mr. Ackerman. I see it in your eyes.’’

He really doesn’t want to talk. Now, that she saw through him, he doesn’t know what to say. The usual story he would make up for her is not worth a fuck anymore. Even if he goes for it, he would only make a fool out of himself and maybe get some new pills, which for his taste, isn’t a bad thing. But somehow he can’t risk that.

‘’What are you thinking about?’’ comes the calm voice again. She waits just like a cat ready to jump on a small mouse.

If he makes a wrong move, it’s over.

But wasn’t it over already a year ago?

‘’I’m thinking about my ex.’’ He finally says, voice heavy with annoyance. He’s ready to give in but it’s not going to be easy to make him talk for hours and spill the details.

‘’Ex?’’ She looks surprised and a little gasp leaves her shiny lips.

Levi knows he’s made a big mistake.

‘’Yes, my ex.’’ It’s the first time that he’s the one repeating his answers. It’s not like ‘’yes, you’re diagnosed with depression, sir’’ or ‘’are you suicidal’’ or ‘’medicaments’’.

‘’This is getting funny, isn’t it? For all the months we associated with each other you never mentioned your ex or someone you’re attached to.’’

‘’Didn’t you say that we should spice this up?’’

‘’Yes, I did. And it’s interesting.’’ And it’s breaking him.

He really doesn’t want to talk about Eren because he knows when he comes home he will pop two extra pills before he goes to sleep. And that’s the real reason behind his lying. He can’t say that he was happy before but it really was easier to survive without mentioning Eren’s name. Or thinking about him at places where he’s supposed to get rid of him. Forget about him. Move on.

Eren is one of the things, no, habits he’s stored on the shelves deep in his mind. And he honestly doesn’t want to touch it. But he knows that he can’t let his fingers near the Eren jar but he touches it anyway with some kind of a sick adrenaline rush. He’s afraid if he touches him that he’ll break. But it’s so good touching Eren and making sure he’s alright.

It’s so good to keep him close but let him go at the same time.

He doesn’t say anything but Violet breaks the silence.

‘’I suppose it’s the break-up that bothers you.’’ And he knows she’s ignoring the ‘’reason why you’re depressed and fucking suicidal’’ with intent. He’s glad she doesn’t say the words he knows are true and it’s a nice feeling to know that she’s trying to help with small things. For a moment he thinks that it’s okay to open up but he’s still afraid.

Afraid of falling down.

But hasn’t he touched the bottom already?

‘’From the very first time I stepped into your office.’’

She casts him a look and Levi can’t read it. He’s not sure if she’s urging him to go on, talk about it or he’s supposed to stay quiet and wait for fresh questions that feel like daggers in his body.

No one says a word.

Levi is tired.

He only wants to go home.

But when she leans her head against her hand and gives him a look of trust, Levi suddenly feels hot. All this time the flashlights were casted on her but now for the first time in months it’s him. It’s actually Levi in the center.

No Eren.

_It’s Levi._

‘’Tell me about her.’’ She says quietly and there’s something mother-like in her voice.

Levi takes a long breath. Uncurls his toes in his shoes. Relaxes his stiff shoulders.

_It’s time._

‘’He ‘’ and when he starts he sees Violet raising her eyebrows at the word ‘’he’’ but it’s only for a second and she drops them down again quickly. Levi has the urge to smirk, he’s taken her off guard and maybe the day hasn’t started miserable. ‘’was untouchable for me. Not perfect in any sense of the word but for me he was a fallen angel. And it was so sad to see him drowning from his own demons when he had the potential to walk on water.’’

Violet stays quiet. It’s weird. She doesn’t take notes and it feels nice. Finally he has a feeling that someone is listening. She doesn’t try to cure him. She’s letting _him_ cure himself.

‘’We didn’t start good at the beginning. He was so insecure back then and I, I was a little shit. You know, smoked cigarettes, had detention, was straight as an arrow. And as brutal high school is, I was given the task to make his life a living hell.

The first year was spent in teasing him for drawing and dear Lord could he draw. I saw that as a weakness. He was a fag for that. But now when I left him and all the portraits he drew of me behind, I see how powerful he was. He is a miracle.

Second year in high school I discovered I was gay. And gay for him. And you know high school is always a bitch and by that it means it sucked when I heard that he was straight. He really was and still is and I don’t know how he managed to fall in love with me when he isn’t attracted to men…But I know that that year I lost my bad-boy reputation and from the hunter I became the hunted.

I was hard. I got beat up. Spat on. But somehow he was there. And even though he remembered all the nasty things I’ve done to him, he still helped me to get up or gather all my things.

I remember the third year us becoming good friends, hanging out all the time and doing all the shit teenagers do. Also I remember the third year crying myself to sleep because suddenly Eren had a girlfriend and made out with girls on parties.

And I remember third year getting drunk at home when my parents weren’t there only to get over him. But I couldn’t. He was so close to me but I couldn’t touch him and that tore me apart. And when you know the person your heart desires so much will never make it skip a beat like he should, the ache that eats away at your chest was the most horrible thing a seventeen year old could feel.

He was my high school heart. Always laughing and doodling. Always throwing an arm over my shoulder but never throwing his arms around my neck. Always sleeping over by my place but never lying down in my bed.’’

Levi takes a deep breath.

His mouth is dry.

His lungs ache.

His heart is breaking.

His eyes are stinging.

He’s falling apart.

And it’s not the pain he feels when he talks.

It’s the memories he would never forget that hurts the most.

Eren gave him so much.

And Levi took it all.

And now when he has so much he doesn’t know what to do with them.

‘’I remember that night, that fatal night when I called him. Drunk and probably high on my mother’s pills. And I remember telling him to fuck off and stop breaking my heart. And I remember him knocking on my window, 2 AM in the morning looking like Adonis. I remember punching him in the shoulders to back off only to be wrapped in his arms.

I shouted, told him to stop killing me and you know what he did? He told me to lie down and go to sleep. Even though I was furious for being treated like a child I obeyed. I was tired of hiding. Tired of pretending I was awesome.

And the bastard had the nerve to lie beside me and hug me from behind. And in the morning when I woke up feeling like shit he was there. Looking me in the eyes. I know I reeked of alcohol and looked like a truck hit me but the bastard kissed me.

He fucking kissed me.

And from then we were a thing. And he never hid it. He showed me to everyone like I was his pride. He never was ashamed of holding my hand, kiss me in front of the guys after gym class. He got shit for that, bruises and cuts but he never stopped being who he was.

And that only made me fall in love with him more.

I always asked him why he decided to date me, always tried to get the answers when I knew he wasn’t gay. But he always told me that he loved me for who I was. Not the things I had between my legs. He fell in love with me because I was something he was thirsty for. Not lusting. He told me I was filling the gap where he failed to be a person. And that made his heart beat for me.

Fourth year was spent fucking like rabbits, dreaming big. Prom was shit but when he took me to the lake and threw me in the water, I knew that the shitty suit was worth it. We never had more fun than that night.’’

Levi smiled at the memory.

‘’Then came the time where adulthood was a pain in the ass and Eren went to Art Academy. I knew I didn’t have to go to college because my dad had three fucking car saloons and we played with our money. I got my suit and tie sooner than I liked. And Eren, he chose the poor college life.

We moved in together. Just like a married couple. Thinking we could make it. But then he had a fight with one of his professors, he got kicked out and then everything went down the hill. My father introduced me to one of his co-workers and suddenly I had the hots for him.

Tall, blond, money in every of his pockets. I blame my father for dictating my life. I blame him for the party, for the expensive whiskey. And I blame him for the night I kissed someone’s lips that weren’t  meant for me.

I liked it. The adventure. The feeling of being with someone who desired me because I was a man. And I was so angry at my ex for being straight and selling me his philosophy of how I was something special to him. I felt so bitter. Afraid he’ll leave me for a blond chick with red nails.

That night I realized that he could never be happy with me. I couldn’t give him kids. Couldn’t give him things a woman could. But I knew that the men who was above me could ease the burn my ex left every time when he touched me.

Three weeks and the little shit knew it. And didn’t even cry.’’

Levi feels so bitter. There’s something sour in his mouth. It just feels awful.

‘’I left him. Never said goodbye. Came back a year after, begged him to forgive me and now I’m stuck with a psychiatrist because I’m fucking insane for making the biggest mistake in my life.

Back then I was afraid he’ll leave me but now I’m terrified he’ll never come back.’’

And minutes, hours passed by, the words that left Levi’s mouth were still heavy in the air. And that day the jar where Eren was kept safely shattered down. An old habit came back. And Levi embraced it with wide open arms.

Violet changed something in him. And so she changed her approach to him. The upcoming sessions changed too.

But only one thing stayed the same.

Levi’s father kept on sending him money even though it was more that he asked for. The cold baths he took only became colder and Eren never wrote back. He thought, oh God how he hoped that it will get better.

But it didn’t.

He still made up stories about how he felt but never lied about Eren.

New pills found a place in his nightstand and it was easier to fall asleep. So much easier.

But all this time he couldn’t understand why Eren called him that Saturday night.

 

Eren indeed was untouchable.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a small chapter but it's a big step in Eren's life.

One of the things he forgot to promise you was that eventually you’ll meet someone.

Someone new.

And you sit there and wait.

Wait for your wounds to heal and the grave in your chest to bloom with chrysanthemums until the soil you’ve breathed in becomes a distant taste of your past.

It’s mid November  and somehow the sky won’t stop to cry.

The frost eats away your warmth in your fingers and it’s a little bit difficult to hold the brush. You scold them for not being able to stay silent but then when you try to form a word to echo through the cold room you realize your lips are trembling too.

It’s so cold up here in the lonely attic with forgotten memories of a past that hurts you too much to let go but hurts even more to hold onto.

It’s cold up here in the lonely attic where you waste the old paint and brushes that don’t function as painting tools anymore.

It’s cold up here in the lonely attic and you try so hard to breathe but the cold air squeezes your chest and leaves a bitter taste of melancholy on your tongue.

You sit up from the warm stool and stride over to the old boxes that linger in the dark corner. It’s been way too much long for them to be silent and hold the things you adore so much in their paper chests. It takes one deep breath to make your numb fingers grasp their surface and open them with dust floating in the air.

You take out your old sketch books, folded papers and crumpled ones with lines your eyes recognize can only belong to one face in this universe. Sharp, angled but so soft, they stretch across the white paper that slowly turns into a light shade of yellow. No, you chuckle, it’s only been four years and it’s impossible for them to turn yellow. But that’s what hurts you when you think that it’s been only four years. It seems like you’ve drawn him yesterday.

In the morning when he woke up with one of his sleeves falling down his shoulder.

In the noon when he sat at the kitchen table and smoked cigarettes just because his parents weren’t home.

In the evening when he sat next to you and bit his nails because the movie was a little bit scary.

At night when he sat next to the window, half naked and looked at the stars only to tell you that he thinks you should fuck under the stars next summer.

Your heavy footsteps echo through your house and soon you hear a light tapping following your feet and a lazy yawn fills your halls.

Maya follows you into the kitchen. She looks at you with sad eyes like the knows what you're about to do.

‘’I don’t see the point in keeping them anymore.’’ You shrug and look her in the eyes like it’s her fault for making you do this. She stops at the doorframe and silently watches you while your hands flip over pages and pages of used paper with teenage bullshit on them.

Your eyes cast over the doodles of some unknown heroes, fallen angels and aching hands.

‘’I feel like if I do this I will be free but Maya, I’m afraid to go. I’m afraid to erase all of this when they were something that made me the happiest person. I’m afraid of losing memories.’’

You shake.

One flame and all your high school time will burn to ashes.

Be gone.

Like they never happened.

Like you never met Levi.

Fell in love with him.

‘’I have to do this!’’ You squeeze your eyes shut and your loud voice fills the air. It’s a command you can’t disobey. You have to burn them.

Burn them.

Burn.

Them.

Your thumb ignites the fire that eats away your memory with every line they hide under a light layer of ashes. You watch as the flames devour him. Take his eyes away. Break his fingers. Cut his raven hair.

And it’s hard to breathe. The dust fills your aching lungs. They become a graveyard for all the ashes that fall to your kitchen counter like grey snowflakes that never came.

Page after page from your sketch books disappear into the small flame.

Memory after memory disappears from your mind.

There’s one last page you stare at for long. You fingers itch to rip it out, crumple it and then burn it so it fades away under your touch. And as much as your heart beats in your chest and the blood that pumps thickly in your veins give you the strength to do this, your fingers disobey for the first time.

They slowly close the book and press their palms onto the black surface.

‘’Maya, what have I done?’’ you look at the dog. She’s silently watching you never leaving her spot. Your fingers grip the book tighter.

‘’What have I done to him?’’ a tear rolls down your cheek.

It’s so warm.

 

(…)

 

It only took you a shade of lavender. A shade of lilac. A shade of her caramel eyes to make the first clump crumble down off your grave.

‘’Oh, I’m so sorry!’’ the way her voice left as a rush of warm air reminded you of the breeze that sometimes would move your curtains in the living room. ‘’Oh God, I didn’t see you, I-I- am so sorry!’’ she kneels down and lets her fingers move across the floor to pick up your new brushes.

‘’It’s okay. No one’s hurt, right?’’ you chuckle. ‘’You’re lucky the brush didn’t stab me in the eye then we’d have a big problem here.’’

She looks up and gives you a shy smile. You notice the dimples pressing deep into her crimson cheeks.

‘’Thank you.’’ You say as she hands you your brushes. You notice a light shaking of her hand and the warm color of her peach colored nails. And when you go back to watch her caramel eyes you see a faint blush on her cheeks and the way she tries to bury them in her white scarf only makes your lips stretch into a small smile.

‘’I’m apologizing again! God, I’m so clumsy, sometimes I even ask myself why I’m not in the hospital already.’’ She tries to hide her embarrassment behind a high pitched chuckle and something like a childish aura graces her features.

‘’It’s okay.’’ You say.

Your eyes widen at the sight of her basket filled with brushes and paint.

‘’You’re painting?’’ you almost beam like a kid when it discovers that someone else likes your superhero too and first she looks a bit startled but when her eyes travel to her basket she turns to face you again and gives you a bright smile.

‘’Yes. I usually paint with strong and bright colors but lately I’ve found myself fascinated over pastel colors. It’s really nice to paint with them. Everything becomes kinda soft and innocent and I like that.’’ The way her voice goes soft when she talks about painting ignites something strange in your head. And suddenly you feel guilty for abandoning your skill for almost a year because of one silly reason. You start to feel the same passion that was driving your hands mad from painting once and you’ve missed it so much.

Why did you stop?

Because you were afraid it would remember you of him?

Because he was the real reason you started it in high school?

No, Eren.

Levi never owned your dreams. He had never the power to make you stop something that wasn’t his.

He could never take away the gift you’ve been given.

He took your trust away, some things from your house…he took your heart away.

But Eren, he can never take away your love for painting.

You can’t stop your heart from beating this fast in your chest neither the slight trembling in your fingers. And even though your heart screams for you to stop, you take one step further and do something you’ve been scared of the whole past year. You do something you never thought you could as much as your body protested and your mind exploded with thoughts meant to rest in the past over a year ago.

You might be broken. But you can heal.

‘’I know it’ll sound a little bit weird and we just met a few seconds ago…but would you like to go on a coffee with me? I mean, if you….want.’’ You bite your lip nervously not sure if it was a good move. Maybe it was too early to do such things but…

It’s time.

It’s time to let go.

‘’Why not?’’ she smiles and hugs her basket closer to her chest. ‘’Have you ever tried Sagittarius’ Chocofreddo ?’’

It’s time for new things.

 

(…)

She paints water and the sky when it’s raining outside. And when autumn comes knocking at her small backyard’s door she likes to paint soft lilies and innocent tulips with a hue of summer heat on their petals. And when she gets inspired by someone’s story she likes to paint eyes, shades of life secured around their irises and their heartbeats widening inside their pupils.

‘’And you just scolded him like that? God, I’d smack him on the cheek right away!’’

‘’Eren! He is a kid!’’ she nearly squeals for the whole cafeteria to hear. ‘’I know some kids these days are not well behaved but violence is not a key in punishing a kid for its bad behavior. If he was a teenager filled with testosterone, I would have smacked him on both sides but he was only nine Eren, nine!’’

From painting to the world’s ugliest paints the conversation you two held for almost three hours slightly changed into more private shades strangers would never grace their stories with. It’s a little bit funny how the topic went from art to how a kid smacked her on the but on her way to work but you don’t seem to care. She’s an interesting person after all.

And a beautiful one.

So to your two Chocofreddo cups join two cups of coffee and sometime later two plates of delicious cake that soon becomes your new topic.

‘’You know,’’ you begin over the bite of cake in your mouth. Great, where are your manners Eren? ‘’I believe that everyone can be a great cook. It just takes good practice that’s all! Example: me. When I broke up with my ex, ‘’ you don’t dare to add boyfriend, you’re too afraid you’ll push away the little peace your restless heart desired ‘’I used to try to make their cheesecake for hours, always ending up throwing it in the trash or feeding my neighbor’s dog with it when he wasn’t looking ’’ you giggle at the memory and the imaginary mission impossible soundtrack ringing behind you ’’because I loved their cake very much but they weren’t there to make me one, so I worked and worked and worked and I remember that victorious day when I opened the oven and took a bite and fucking screamed in joy because I managed to bake the exact cake like my ex would do! Best day ever.’’

She shyly asks about your ex and you tell her that you don’t want to talk about it.

Your dad is the only one who can talk with you about that, otherwise you’re afraid you’ll go insane and they can’t give you the pills who will magically erase the nightmares like your daddy can.

‘’I can just say that that person was my best friend and meant a lot to me. But you know, some things are not meant to last forever.’’ You shrug sadly and avoid her gaze.

You can’t believe you’re admitting this out loud.

Is it really over?

Are you really done with this mess?

_Have you stopped  loving him?_

You shake your head and you can only enjoy the way her fingers play with her mug when you tell her funny stories of you half blind dog and that Ricky the Chihuahua still rapes your leg every day on your work.

 

(…)

It’s funny how things in life happen.

How broken hearts beat even though they are hurting.

It’s funny how life can turn someone’s life upside down in just a collision of paintbrushes and canvases. It takes away everything you had and in that second of impact it gives you everything back.

It’s funny how the fear that settled in your bones for over a year dissipates into the dark depths of your past that starts to fade in the corners of your mind. Maybe you can never forget but you can sure replace them with other things that will eventually find a new place in your memory.

It’s funny how you can meet a new person in places you never thought you could. How someone’s clumsiness worms its way into your chest and finally makes it easier to breathe. Easier to try.

It’s always hard to begin new. No one is born to handle things with ease. It takes a lot to start onto something that isn’t there or is destroyed but you don’t have to be strong to lift a block after block to place them onto their old places.

It only takes courage and will to start on new things. Things your heart never experienced.

It’s not about re-building your broken heart.

It’s about to make it heal in a different way.

If doing that, you know the old demons can’t break it. It has grown strong and new, immune to the slashes of your past that dragged you down.

Maybe it’s time to kick your legs and grab for the surface. It’s time to open your mouth and wash away the graveyard of ashes sleeping in them.

My dear Eren.

 

_It's time to wake up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha a stand up for me for not dragging this chapter out for the next months. Yeah, I'm a little shit but this little shit can be nice sometimes.
> 
> A new character appears and well you can see that I FINALLY HAVE A FUCKING PLOT!
> 
> I don't know what to say to this chapter....Hmmm...I missed Maya so I had to make her appear in this chapter. Eren strarted to paint and he decided to move on. It hurt a bit when he bruned his old sketches of Levi but he's my brave boy. He really needed it. And deserved it.
> 
> p.s So there's a cafeteria in my college town named Sagittarius and it's the best cafeteria I've ever been at. I simply adore to go there!
> 
> Thank you for reading and all your kudos! I love you! <3
> 
> http://prozacx.tumblr.com/
> 
> GUYS, I'VE FOUND THE PERFECT SONG FOR FORGET ME NOT. It's Only love can hurt like this by Paloma Faith. It's just perfect for this fic. *w*


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, from now on there will be a lot more Eren and Levi moments and Eren and the mistery girl moments as well. Haha the plot begins.

She is everything he isn’t.

 

It’s a little bit sad for you to think that she laughs more than he ever used to. The brightness is there, it’s the same pull of her pink lips over her teeth, baring pearls that make your chest squeeze in an old fashioned way that only belongs to him. And it’s funny to think that she stole it. Stole it in a way that reminds you of children tales where the villain steals the sun, the moon and leaves the sky empty. But she, she stole it and gave it all to your sky, empty and dark before.

So the stars can guide you to her.

He fingers linger the same way as his burned paths across your shoulders, down your back to the tips of your toes. He burned and burned and burned leaving you glowing with his touch and praying they never extinguish. But hers, hers feel like feathers kissing your goosebumps away, traveling down your dips and curves and smoothing out the old scars that feel uneven under her chaste touch.

Her eyes have this warm shade of caramel. Sweet and glossy and wide open for your eyes to see her soul. They never once clouded in a dusty shade of blue fading to gray with the first sunrays in the morning. Brows never furrowed, only raised high when she spots you in your new favourite café.

Her words are soft, careful chosen and coated with such intelligence collected from years of turning pages and brushing colors across white papers. They never feel sharp, never hold a coldness that only comes out of a colder throat. But it’s not like he talked to you the worst. He praised you like a deity, prayed for the waves in your eyes to wash over him, drown him with your heat coming off your skin…

 

She has everything he hasn’t.

 

She has an ability to heal broken hearts. To take away the pain that paralyses you and doesn’t let you sleep after midnight. She has the power to ease the painful burn still lingering under your skin and make cherry blossoms bloom from your scars.

It’s almost unreal the gift she has. Why is she wasting it on a fool, a broken being like you? You are broken, can’t be fixed, destroyed beyond repair. It’s useless to nurse you when the next time you see him you’ll fall back into the grave you’ve been dying in for months. And isn’t it disturbing how the smallest of your parts wants it so badly? Wants him to shred you into pieces and burn them like love letters with your favourite lighter. Wants him so badly to put you together into the worst way, creating a doll and doing everything he wants with you. Wants him so badly to love you in the sickest way, inject his lust into your veins and make you fall apart in his arms…

You haven’t seen him in days and December came with the first flakes and Christmas decoration waving in the wind. You feel a little bit anxious because your heart knows that it should be beating a little bit faster but you fear on how you’ll make it beat for someone else.

You were dying last Christmas.

Sitting alone in the dark, only illuminated by the Christmas tree next to the couch and sipping on a bottle of wine refusing to pick up your phone.

‘’Eren?’’ she waves her tiny hand in front of your nose. You can see red paint under her index finger. ‘’You want to go over? I want to show you my new project I’m doing for our town’s kindergarten.’’ Her voice feels like honey dripping on your tongue; sweet and sticky, promising something tasty as a secret.

You blink the grey images from your eyes away and look at her avoiding her stare. You don’t want to lose what’s left of his face in your memory.

‘’Oh? Yeah, why not?’’ you give her a smile.

She is so talented. The lines she draws are perfect, precise and tainted with something childlike but also professional. Sometimes you find it odd for her to use such girly colors and paint for children but when you see the kids looking at her paintings in awe a warm feeling spreads from your chest to your fingertips and you feel proud.

It’s nice to know that you share something that makes you go on with someone who sees the same as you. And there are moments, which happen often lately, where the lingering pain starts to ease in corners where it once hurt the most. There are moments when it changes its beat and almost skips for a moment when she points at you with a paintbrush and scolds you for making a mess in her atelier.

It’s strange to see how this is the only thing they have in common.

And you enjoy it in ruining their perfect little world with your intended clumsiness.

‘’I’ll go pay for our drinks.’’ You say as you watch her put on her vanilla colored coat and adjusting the brown scarf around her neck. You smile because she reminds you of Mikasa.

Oh, maybe you should give her a call tonight. It’s been a while since you heard her voice.

As you exit the warm and cozy café, you spot her standing on the side walk with her cheeks hidden in her brown scarf. She gives you an annoying glance and puffs a warm breath out.

‘’Hurry up! I’m freezing my ass off!’’

‘’Sorry, the barista was busy so I had to wait for him.’’ you chuckle. ‘’Was this a bad word I heard? Ha?’’

‘’Shut up, Eren.’’ She starts to walk ahead of you, her ankle boots echoing down the small street. You shake your head. She can be so adorable at times when you make her wait in the cold. And that’s one of the things you discovered about her: she hates to wait.

A little impatient angel, she is.

She stops and turns sharply to you.

‘’Eren! Don’t slack off!’’ there is a smile forming on her lips she desperately tries to put in a thin, angry line. She fails in the end and ends up sticking out her little tongue only to mask up her little defeat.

‘’I’m coming.’’ Your lungs give out and fill the air between you with a bright laugh. God, it’s so good to laugh. Yeah, it feels really good.

It takes you off guard when she hooks her arm with yours and scoots a little bit closer to your body as you both walk down the streets with her boots clacking. Almost in sync your shoes echo, your breaths in form of mist drift off into the sky and you steal glances out from the corners of your eyes.

It’s nice.

You can get used to it too.

Her arm wrapped tightly around yours, her long locks brushing your jacket.

Her eyes looking away when you meet her gaze.

Her voice echoing beside you.

It’s really, really nice.

And you just can’t ignore the way your heart kicks in your chest. It’s still weak and there is no rhythm but it’s there, the itching and skipping and feeling it rattle slowly. It’s uneven and ungraceful but you know you’ll have to give it time to find its rhythm again, the strength it takes to bang against your ribcage and the hitch in your breath when she brushes her fingers against yours.

‘’How long are you doing it, the project?’’ you look down on her and she looks surprised. The silence you shared had her drowning in her thoughts too.

‘’Oh, yeah…Actually I got an offer from one of the kindergarten teachers a few days ago. They told me they heard about my painting and my works so after they saw some they said that they were really good and that some of them suited them. So they asked me if I could make one.’’ She smiled at you and squeezed your arm tighter.

‘’What are you painting then?’’

‘’At first I thought of something like children with different cultures and countries but then I found it too mainstream and odd so I’ve been experimenting a bit and tried with something  like planets and stars, umm…something like an universe. It’s hard because I’ve always painted flowers and animals and mostly mothers with their children so this is a little risk I’m taking. But it’s a good challenge! I really want to expand my art perspective. I’m aiming for the stars now.’’ She raises her fist in the air.

‘’That’s actually awesome. I like your idea.’’ You’re hesitant at first but fuck it, Eren!

You squeeze her arm back.

You’ve been at her apartment a few times but you can’t shake off the nervous feeling every time you get inside and take your jacket off. You can’t help but feel as an intruder and a waste of time. And as much as she makes it warm for you, you still feel cold from inside out.

After one cup of hot tea (apple and cinnamon because it’s Christmas time) she shows you her project and dear God, this woman is a genius. You almost feel a little bit jealous at how smart she uses her paint and makes certain colors stand out without ruining the image. You feel a little bit jealous at how she’d done it better from what you pictured in your head.

You’re a little too jealous at how she is a better artist than you.

And in those moments you need _him_. Need him wrapping his arms around your neck from behind and whisper how marvelous, how perfect it is. You desperately need his form pressing into your back and the curve of his neck connecting with his shoulder to fit against your head.

In those moments you regret every little step you took forward and all the little advances you made that day. For a tiny moment you wish for your old life and want to take everything back and go to the time where you needed him like a drug when he left you there, starving.

Suddenly you feel miserable and sad.

It’s not fair.

This is not fair.

But Eren, how can you be so ungrateful to the world?

Sure, it left you bleeding and crying on the floor. It left you behind with a broken heart and lasting feelings and no clue how to function like a normal being again. But sometimes the world soothes your wounds and takes care of your fragile being even though it will crush you the next morning when you wake up. The world is never being nice to everyone and it gives you low blows but Eren, this doesn’t mean that it will continue crashing you down.

It will give you a chance to stand up.

And that chance is sitting right across you looking like a fucking angel and brining you back to life.

So don’t you dare to slap this hand that feeds you, to turn your head away when she wants to caress your cheek.

Don’t you dare let what’s left of him in you ruin the only opportunity you have only because you feel hurt.

You will fucking heal and get better and when the right time comes you will get him out of your system and fucking take a big breath and start to live.

‘’Eren?’’ the clock on the wall ticks slowly along with her voice that comes out a bit…insecure?

‘’Hmm?’’

‘’I’ve been wondering if…umm...I don’t know how to put it...yeah…I wanted to ask you something.’’ Are her cheeks blushing? You look down and spot her finger twirling with a lock of her hair.

‘’Yeah?’’ your mouth is dry. Fuck.

‘’I know you’ve been through a messy break up ‘’ _oh no, please don’t_   ‘’and I don’t know if you’re ready for it’’ _please, don’t waste your time on me_ ‘’but Eren, I really like to talk to you and hanging out with you is really fun’’ _no, just stop, please stop_ ‘’ you’re a very interesting person, caring and understanding ‘’ _you’ll get yourself hurt, oh God please run while you can_ ‘’and I really want to get to know you better, you know’’ _this is not happening_ ‘’so I’ve been wondering if you’d like to go a little bit further with me?’’

It’s hard to breathe.

Fuck. It’s hard to move.

God, why? Why is she…

You’re no good to her, she’s so innocent and wonderful and so perfect and you? You’re so damaged and broken and all of the worst is clinging to your bones. You can’t, no, you can’t drag her down into the mud where she will lose her shine. You can’t break her the way you were broken, she is too precious for being treated like dirt.

You are not ready for a change.

You will never be ready for a change.

‘’I-uh’’ it’s hard to find the words. It’s starting - you’re already breaking her heart. ‘’I don’t…really know if this…is a good idea.’’ You look down. Something heavy weighs down your shoulders.

She doesn’t say a word.

The silence kills you.

‘’You’re wonderful…a-and so talented and dear God, you’re such a nice person…but I’m not the right for you. I-I’m damaged and I’ll only drag you down with me and I don’t want that. You deserve so much better. Not someone like me.’’

‘’Eren.’’ Her voice is suddenly next to you and you turn your head to see her sitting beside you. ‘’You never told me the full story and you don’t have to, but I’m so sick of seeing you in pain every time we talk. I know you believe you’re fine but Eren, you are not. If you keep on blaming yourself for what happened it will haunt you every goddamn day of your life. You have to stand up and stop this pain. It only keeps you in one place, Eren. You can’t move on if you fully don’t let go.

I won’t force you to go on that stupid date with me, but please try. I know it’s hard and you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy. But Eren, you do. I know it feels wrong but when you really give it a try it won’t. It doesn’t have to be me. I’m here, I’ll support you on your way, I’ll be there for you when you need someone to talk to. Eren, you’re so much better than the regret or shame you feel. You can’t let that rule over your life.

I won’t bug you ever again, you hear me, but please stop feeling guilty. Stop dragging yourself down.’’

You can see her fingers trembling a little bit, still hesitant to touch you. She is so close to you, you can feel her warmth and her light scent that always reminds you of raspberries and this closeness is so strange. It’s wonderful but so strange at the same time. You feel like a kid when it opens another’s kid present.

She is not yours, she is something you can never have. But here you are opening her up, tearing her pretty paper down and undoing her long brown ribbons.

You like what’s in it but it’s not meant for you.

‘’Listen,’’ you finally look up to her, only to find her smiling. How can she do it? ‘’I’ll think about it, okay? I’ll call you.’’ You try to finish in a hopeful tone.

She only smiles at you. Wider.

‘’You know, I’m really afraid of you.’’ You smile and she furrows her brows ‘’No, not literally. It’s just…how can you keep up with this?’’ you motion with your hands to your face.

‘’People always told me that I have the ability to see beauty in broken things.’’ She tilts her head. You notice how her voice got small.

How can this woman be so wonderful?

How can she save someone who is already doomed?

You don’t know, but you have to believe your own eyes.

Because she sits right there beside you, now holding your hand.

‘’Eren, I won’t get mad if you turn me down, okay? And I hope if that happens that we still can be friends.’’

You remember the words he said to you.

He told you that if you decided to give up he would leave.

Free you from his painstaking presence and everlasting scent. He’ll let you forget his words, let you breathe the air again and walk on your own. He’ll leave you in a better way knowing that without him you’ll only be much better on your own.

But she…she offers you to stay by your side even if words could sting and rip the threads apart.

You realize she could never give you up.

 

(…)

 

You take the stairs down. Only to help you get your thoughts under control. There is so much to think about, so much to risk and gain. A storm swirls behind your eyes full of unsaid words and insecure feelings. With each step you try to calm down your heart, try to clear this mess of thoughts, feelings and words that never left your mouth. Probably never will. They are only meant to harm, hurt and destroy. Too cruel for her to hear, too sharp and disappointing.

You settle them deep down, somewhere near the box with the tag ‘’broken heart’’ on it. You won’t put them inside, maybe there is a chance you’ll still find a use for them.

Not on her.

For someone else.

It’s cruel but the pain you feel hurts more.

The last step takes you to the first floor. You glance at your watch and see that it’s almost eleven. If you sleep over your boss is going to kill you and feed you to the dogs and that’s not what you want, not with the image of Ricky doing things to your hacked off limbs. You look up to the sound of small footsteps, slow and heavy. And some sniffing and hard breathing.

It can’t be.

The figure is small, thin and barely walking on its own. A hand slides along the wall searching for a poor kind of support. Soon it gives out and the small figure leans its shoulder on the wall and takes some deep breathes.

Your feet walk on your own.

While its breathing gets heavier from the exhaustion, yours gets heavier from your rapid heartbeat. While its figure lacks the strength to hold itself up, yours has the power to hold you both, make you cling to each other…

‘’What in the world are you doing here?’’ his voice is raspy and tainted with a frown. A cough escapes his lips at the end.

‘’What in the world have you caught?’’ there is something in you that you can’t explain. It feels like it’s been there from the start.

You care.

‘’I can walk by myself.’’ He pushes your hand away only stumbling further and ending against the wall again.

‘’No you can’t, Levi.’’ You follow him.

‘’I have a cold, I’m not dying. Stop acting like I’m on my deathbed.’’ He doesn’t look up to you. He still keeps his eyes down.

‘’Why didn’t you text me? You know I’d-‘’

‘’As I can remember the last time I sent you a message you never cared to reply. Why should I send you another?’’ he cuts you off and it stings. You want to say you’re sorry but it gets lost in your throat.

He steadies himself and takes a few careful steps. Slowly he shuffles to a door and takes his keys out. You’re a few feet away but from the distance you can see his pale hand shaking. You watch him fail to unlock the door.

‘’Levi.’’ You walk over and take the keys from his hand. Then he looks up at you like a surprised child but his eyes are tired, lifeless and begging you to go. He doesn’t need the extra pain in his chest. Even if you can’t say sorry you can at least help him get to his bed.

For someone so sick he sure is fast when it comes to close the door in front of your face. But he’s not too fast for your foot to stop it from closing.

‘’I can’t leave you like this.’’ You say with a concerned voice.

You care, yes you do. And as much as this man has hurt you , you can’t just leave him alone like this. He isn’t your lover anymore but he was your friend, a good one and you just can’t ignore the fact that you once used to stick around each other like glue. With those memories you can’t just forget him and walk away.

Put the pain aside, he still means a lot to you. Maybe not in the romantic way but after everything you went through he is your friend. Or at least some kind of friend.

 ‘’Eren I don’t need a babysitter.’’

‘’Says the man who couldn’t open his own fucking door.’’

A quiet sigh rushes past his lips and he turns away, leaving the door open for you. You step in and you notice that the apartment is really small, it’s really hot in here - he really must feel cold. The lights he flicks on illuminate a neat apartment with a few frames, decoration candles and in some corners you spot plants.

You smile.

These are the ones that used to be in your house.

It’s nice to know he’s still taking care of them.

‘’No.’’ you say as you stop him from going to the kitchen. ‘’You, my friend ‘’ the word tastes weird on your tongue but you like the sound of it ’’will lay down on the couch and make yourself comfortable while I make you black tea and a cup of coffee for myself.’’ Exact the same words you used to say when he came home, too tired to open his eyes.

‘’But you don’t even know-‘’

‘’The kitchen isn’t huge, I’ll find it eventually.’’

‘’But you’ll-‘’

‘’Make a mess, I know. Don’t worry.’’ You push him down onto the cherry colored couch until he lies completely down. ‘’Do you need a blanket? Dear God it’s hot here like in hell.’’ You walk over to the kitchen and start by finding two cups and then opening the cabinets in search for some tea and coffee.

‘’Found it!’’

You don’t notice the look he casts you over. The melancholy eating away at his grey irises and the sadness creeping under his face features. He never takes his eyes of you when you put some water onto the stove and open the coffee jar. His heart squeezes in his throat from the memories that wash over his eyes and let some tears fall down his cheeks. After all if you see them he’ll blame it on the cold. You hear him sniff.

‘’You need some tissues?’’ you ask him and look over. With the sleeve of his shirt he pats his eyes dry.

‘’Yes, please.’’

He takes them from you and you don’t know if the caress of your fingers against his was accidentally or your body craving his touch.

‘’I’ll make you soup.’’ You only hope your voice sounds normal. It’s so hard to talk when your throat feels dry all of a sudden.

‘’You don’t have to.’’

‘’I won’t let you pass out without eating something first.’’

The conversation seems to go on in a formal kind but as the clock ticks the minutes away and the scent of your mother’s soup fills his small apartment it begins to get an intimate note.

After a long pause filled with the clock ticking, the water boiling and Levi sniffing his voice comes out soft and warm.

‘’Thank you, Eren.’’

Lips pulling into a smile and heart beating loudly in your ears, you can’t deny the nice and warm feeling in your chest. Like it never ended and you both still lived together and were happy in love. You can’t help but feel like he will turn the TV on you will both watch something on animal planet. Like he will ruffle your hair and tell you to stop rooting for the crocodiles to eat the zebras because it’s fucking cruel. Like you would make out until your lips are hurting and both of your hair would look like birds made nests in it.

You can’t help to feel like this would be your daily life if he hadn’t cheated on you.

This would be so different from now if he hadn’t made that mistake and left all of this to the past.

‘’Shit!’’ You cry out as you see your mug of coffee and his cup of black tea. You forgot about them. You take a sip –it’s stone cold.

His laughter echoes through the room.

‘’I’m watching you here for almost an hour, curious to see if you’ll remember our drinks but I see that you’re still forgetful as fuck.’’

A bowl of soup in one hand and his cup of tea in the other you walk over to him, a childish pout on your lips.

‘’Why didn’t you tell me?’’ you set them down in front of him and want to slap the smirk away from his face. ‘’At least the soup is warm.’’ you mutter and sit on the floor.

You know he won’t scold you for sitting on the floor because he gave it up from the time you two still went to high school.

‘’You know I have chairs.’’ He says over a spoon of soup.

‘’I like your carpet.’’

You can’t help but wonder how natural this conversation feels. How good it feels to talk to him.

You both enjoy the silence. He eats your soup and you sip on your cold coffee. Some years ago it used to be a daily thing.

‘’You remember one time ‘’ your voice breaks the comfortable silence and his eyes meet yours, curious of what you’ll say. Somehow you can’t stop the memories flooding. ‘’when I was making you hot chocolate, it was winter, and I left the milk on the stove because all of a sudden I remembered to do the laundry.’’

‘’I cleaned the shit for three days.’’ From his voice you can see that he’s keeping this memory close to his heart. Your heart speeds up.

‘’Or one time when I had to pick you up from the dentist and let you wait for an entire hour because I painted our bedroom.’’

‘’I was high as a kite, God. And wondered why people looked funny at me in the waiting room.’’

‘’The nurse told me you were trying to call me with a pack of cigarettes.’’

Your voices echo in amused laughter; he covers his mouth and lies down and you shake your head. You can’t take your eyes from each other and let your lips curve into beautiful lines. Eyes gone soft at the memories he watches you with something you can’t decipher. It reminds you of fondness…almost like love?

You look away, afraid he’ll see the same reflected in your emerald irises.

‘’How come I run into you here?’’

Oh, and now when you both found a little moment where the pain he caused you eased in your chest and the tired look on his face softened you are forced to go back to reality. The cruel world of how to tell you ex you’re replacing him with an angel.

‘’I was helping a friend with her project.’’ Okay, it’s not completely a lie. ‘’She’s an artist and she’s really talented.’’ You can’t help but curve a small smile.

‘’You still paint?’’

It was always you that mattered to him. Always you when someone talked about young artists. Always you who he talked about when painting was involved. And even though people mentioned other young painters, praised them for their talents, he always spoke about you, proud of you in times when you were the best, prouder when you were the worst.

‘’Yeah.’’ Your voice comes out small. ‘’After I met her it kind of came back. The inspiration and the will. We paint together too.’’

He sighs and gives you a soft look. You can see he’s happy to hear you’re painting again. Happy to see you’re doing so much better than him.

‘’You seem a bit more than just friends.’’

Why in this moment, in this goddamn hour, in this place on earth you are having a conversation with your ex about how awesome your love life is and how you’re moving on better than in movies?

And you hate him for looking at you, all proud of his little Eren to finally take a new step and leave him behind. You hate him for making you feel hesitating to leave him back. You hate him for pushing you into your happiness.

‘’No, we’re just friends.’’ A light shade of crimson covers your cheeks. You blame it on the heat.

And what are we? You ask yourself watching him closing his eyes. What you are both doing is forbidden; taking care of each other and remembering the things that should stay locked away, repeating scenes of the time when you had someone to come home to…

You are not lovers.

Not even friends.

You are not enemies.

What are you?

‘’Levi?’’

He cracks one eye open.

‘’The next time you feel bad call me. You know I’ll come.’’

He doesn’t say a word. It leaves a small sting in your chest because this means that the next time doesn’t exist. You fucked up. If you had replied to the fucking message then all of this could have been easier. This only means that he won’t need your help when it gets bad. And it hurts. It hurts to see that he’s cutting you off.

You remember the scene when you came back to you, begged you to forgive him and now when you still believed he longed for you, you realize that he’s given up on you. He wanted to hear just one word, one word that would decide if he could stay or go.

And somehow your silence was an answer.

He got it.

He’s backing away.

‘’Okay.’’ You say in a slight defeated tone. Your chest stings. A lot. ‘’It’s really late and you need your rest.’’ You stand up and place the empty bowl and cups in the sink. You know he’ll wash them the moment you leave. Dying or bleeding, he can’t leave something dirty in the house. You slip on your shoes, breathing quietly even though your heart slams against your ribcage.

Why are you caring so much?

You look at his lying form, right hand gripping the doorknob.

‘’Please don’t forget to eat. There’s still soup on the stove.’’

He doesn’t respond. Probably asleep.

Guts feeling heavy, something crushing your chest you close the door as quiet as you can. Passing the fateful spot your footsteps turn into his – heavy and slow. It takes you long to exit the building, you feel as if this wasn’t meant to happen, that you should have just walked by, just like him when you broke up that day.

You lean against the building and take out a cigarette. It’s fucking freezing outside and the thought of walking home at one hour in the morning has your lips pulling into a bitter line. You tighten your scarf around your neck, exhale a thick cloud of smoke and slowly walk down the street on a cold December night.

It takes you a good twenty minute walk to get to your house, your echoing steps halting on the porch. The wood creaks under your shoes. There is frost on your windows. When you come in Maya is at your feet and nuzzles her head against your cold jeans. Fingers gone numb from the cold you manage to thread them through her thick fur.

Fuck, why is it cold in here?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little shit. Gomen, gomen. And yeah I realized that I am totally uncapable of making a normal conversation between two characters. I always get lost of get off the topic. Ughr. Sorry about that too. I know it will not make sense.
> 
> Ooooo shit's about to happen.

It’s mid December and snowflakes slowly kiss the frozen ground. They are everywhere; carefully knitting scarfs for still alive plants, pretending to be clouds on rooftops and swirling in the wind among daily passers.

This time of year makes you feel exhausted. It’s seeping slowly into your bones making you ache for your covers and your eyelids to flutter shut whenever you touch something warm. People are busy; with a hurried pace they skip allies and streets to get to the Christmas sales, always a frown on their faces. Taxi drivers rush down the streets and when you’re not lucky you get splashed by the nearest puddle. Even angry drivers who are late for work honk an ugly orchestra called fuck-you-world.

It’s getting colder and he’s not getting better.

It was hard to convince him that he really needs your help but knowing Levi he always refused your help, batted away your hand, spilled the medicine from the spoon. It’s hard coming to his apartment knowing that you’re not welcome there and face the man who hurt you. It’s hard watching him suffer, rot on his couch and pretend he’s fine. It’s hard to see that the little acquaintance that’s left of your relationship goes to an end with every unspoken word of his mouth to your questions that were never given an answer. It’s hard to care and hate. Hard to ignore and try.

You know you should have been somewhere else right now and not in his small kitchen making something that his stomach will keep. As you stir the light ingredients you think about how Maya needs a new blanket, the old one isn’t warm enough for her old bones. Maybe it’s not the blanket that she really needs, maybe it’s you. Your attention, love and company .

But it’s hard to care for someone else when you’re already caring for someone who’s not even trying.

And fuck, you haven’t even called her. She’s still waiting for your answer.

You hiss as you splash boiling water onto your hand.

‘’Ouch.’’ You whisper to your chest. He’s asleep. But isn’t he supposed to ask if you’re alright? Worry about you?

Oh right, he doesn’t anymore.

You turn to look at his sleeping form and notice that the blanket fell to the floor again. You sigh. Why is he acting like that? Why is he throwing the goddamn thing to the floor and then fall asleep shaking on the couch with nothing but his thin pajamas? Are you that dirty so he doesn’t want the things you already touched? Is your smell on them so strong he can’t take it?

Is he really hating you so much?

You pick up the blanket and pull it over his small form watching him slowly get still. You press your hand to his forehead, push the sweaty bangs aside and feel how he’s burning. You can’t stop your fingers from running through his hair, play with some strands out of habit and then outline his jaw with your fingertips.

Why isn’t he listening to you? Go to the hospital or at least take his medicine?

‘’You’re going to kill yourself.’’ You whisper and your eyes burn holes into his pale face.

You’re sick of worry and it’s eating you away. A lot happened between you and the thing is not the clearest. It’s messy and fucked up neither of you can really get out of it. You pull on each other’s strings, you drag each other down with every new kick, aiming for the surface but again ending up deeper and deeper. This thing you two have is so toxic.

A friendship forgotten with the last kiss.

A relationship gone with the coldest look.

Hostility born the moment you fell into each other’s arms.

Giving him one last look you sit up and walk to the kitchen. The broth is almost finished and to be honest it smells delicious. You remember the times when you both used to cook, spend the time you could get together arguing over spices, tasting flavors off the other’s lips.

Sweet and tender.

Sometimes bitter.

There were times when it tasted angry and spicy.

But it was your favorite taste, your favorite flavor in the morning, on Valentine’s day, after New Year…

The broth cooked, your hand recovering from the burn, you sit down to the kitchen table and fish your phone out.

_I’ll come by later. Are you free?_

Somehow you can’t figure out what you two have. It almost feels like candy, one that’s wrapped in such pretty paper, filled with something soft that’s waiting to be tasted. Feeling the smooth surface on your lips and waiting to bite in just to discover what it’s like in the center.

And you want it. Yes, you want to taste it. Feel it melt under your tongue and taste something sweet again. You’re so fed up with tasting bitter things, things that feel sharp on your tongue, bland with no flavor.

She answers quicker than you thought.

_Yes! I’m glad you’ll come over. I made cake! :D_

Your lips pull into a smile, one that’s stretching your cheeks and almost baring your teeth. And your chest fills with something new, something that tingles warm against your lungs and it’s urging you to giggle. It’s urging you to feel happy and giddy and sappy…

_The cake better be worth my visit. :P_

Your chest buzzes in sync with your phone.

_It will. You won’t resist it. ;)_

Is she flirting?

Cheeks heating up your thumb fires back a reply that you hope will make her feel the same way you’re feeling now.

_Oh, I won’t get my hands off._

It’s weird to flirt again. It’s like the memory of your first kiss. It tingles in the back of your head.

_The cake. ;P_

You quickly send another text.

_Eren, if you continue being this cheeky I’ll eat it myself. :P_

Your heart’s pace is picking up.

_Okay, okay. I’ll stop. Hehe. See you later._

You decide against the smiley with a kiss. It’s not time yet.

This is good. It’s not rushed, not even going to slow. You’re just two people getting to know each other, testing the other’s territory just to make sure you’ll feel safe when the time comes to step over some lines. Or walls. It’s giving you time to heal, time to adjust to the slight change that’s coming with a new text a small smile and crimson adorned cheeks.

You look at him. And suddenly it stings.

This is not good. This is rushed, too fast to your liking. You’re just two people who are trying to part but the ropes that tie you up to the other are still too thick to cut through. You want to get out of the other’s space, you’re hungry for fresh air but your skin melted on places where it’s gonna hurt a lot when being pulled. It’s gonna hurt so much. Leave an ugly scar. Maybe leave you bleeding for the rest of your life. This is only giving you time to fall apart, rot and mold in each other’s arms.

Why is this so hard?

Why can’t you not forget him? Let him live his life and just move on?

Why does it hurt so much when it shouldn’t?

‘’Hey.’’ You say in a quiet voice when you see him waking up. You walk over to him with gentle steps, sitting down next to him. Even though his eyes are telling you not to, your hand presses against his forehead again and he closes his eyes, leans in against your palm. ‘’I think the fever’s down a bit.’’

He looks up at you with something in his eyes that is more dangerous than the silence he chose to answer your questions with. You should be afraid, but you’re not. Because you’re giving him the exact same look. It’s insane, you know that but in this situation, in this very moment that’s the only look you can give him. Every other doesn’t exist.

And maybe it’s wrong. It is. But in this moment it just feels right.

You’ll regret it later but right now…

‘’Are you hungry?’’ you ask him and he slowly nods never breaking eye contact. ‘’I made broth, I think you’ll be able to keep it down.’’ You pat him through the blanket. ‘’You want it or not, you’re gonna take your medicine afterwards.’’ You stand up and go to the kitchen.

‘’How am I going to get back to you?’’ his voice sounds raspy and weak.

You smile.

‘’Just get well, okay?’’

A pregnant pause stretches between you. No one says a word as you place the bowl on the coffee table and help him sit up. You drape the blanket over his shoulders, making sure it’s not gonna fall into his bowl.

After the first spoon he smiles. You just can’t help but feel relieved by that small gesture and somehow you missed it.

‘’It’s good.’’ He says and takes another spoonful. Then another. Until the sound of spoon clattering against the bowl fills the air. He keeps his eyes to the small coffee table while pushing, the now empty, bowl away from him. Neither does he move from his spot or looks up.

It’s not like there is anything to be said about this. This doesn’t require a special form of conversation. You see him avoiding you, trying to break free from your warmth that somehow keeps him cold. It’s useless to wait for something else to come from his mouth; you know it’s time for you to go, you already spent too much time here, with him…

‘’Eren.’’ He says your name in a sweet agonizing way, it has to lure your eyes to his face and let you meet his light blue irises filled with a soft expression. You don’t dare yourself to move, to breathe. ‘’Just tell me why are you doing this?’’

His question carries a sting that feels like a hammer hitting a nail through your palm but it feels like he wants, no, needs a final answer on his stay in your life or the rejection that was swinging over his head since the day he came back to you. You look at him like he caught you lying when you haven’t said a word yet; it feels like all lights are now on you and it’s time to reveal the season’s finale episode: do you still love him or you want him to be a dead man?

‘’I don’t know.’’ You shrug and want to slap yourself for such an immature answer. Why are you acting like it’s not that important to establish this kind of twisted and toxic relation you two have? An opportunity has shown itself to finally solve _this_ and take the shackles off and all you say, out of all the rejections and words of forgiveness you chose to say the dumbest one that doesn’t even clarify what you think about.

‘’Please tell me. I need to know why?’’ he presses further and you run out of words to say.

Never in your life you thought this could be so hard.

‘’I guess I just…I just can’t throw away what we once had, Levi.’’ You look to your socks pressing patterns into his carpet. ‘’I just feel obligated to be by your side, you know. Even after all the shit I still feel like I need to fulfill my tasks as a best friend.

I may say and repeat that you hurt me but…I think I still care. I’m not sure if I could care for your heart but I really care about you Levi. Your whole being. Because it pains me to see how bad you’ve gotten. You suffer.  And believe me it’s not the best view I was offered to watch.’’

He hums and pulls the covers over his shoulder.

‘’I feel like’’ he begins ‘’that if I ever let fully go of you, I will never be the same again. You gave me so much, hell you were my first love and that’s not something to forget in an eye bat.’’ He rubs his face, clearly irritated by his own weakness and desire to know more. ‘’I can’t forget you.’’ He looks into your eyes and shakes his head. ’’I just can’t get you out of my mind and Eren, I still don’t understand how I have done such a horrible thing back then. And as much as it scares me that you will erase me out of your life I want to let you go but I don’t know if I will be able to live with myself after.’’

‘’Levi.’’ You warn him.

‘’I know first loves don’t last but what we had: our friendship, our relationship… it was something special.’’

‘’But why did you let it end?’’ you didn’t notice the raise in your voice.

He jumps slightly at your outburst.

‘’I-I…’’

‘’See, we never talked it out! We just kept on shutting our mouths and pretending we were our high school’s sweethearts of the year! That was our problem, Levi: we never talked.’’

‘’But we were young-‘’

‘’I know. I know we were just teenagers and what we did wasn’t even something serious and it shouldn’t have mattered so much. But we can’t take this as an excuse! Saying this you just give me a feeling like we were never meant to work it out.’’

‘’Eren-‘’

‘’I was really terrified in the beginning. It was something new for me and seeing you all of a sudden as a boyfriend and not a best friend really scared the shit out of me! I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to kiss a boy or even make him happy. I was scared that I would never be enough! God, you don’t know the nights I wanted to call you and tell you that I can’t do this because I don’t feel attracted to boys and the whole thing was a stupid idea…

But then when you leaned every morning against my locker and just smiled like I’m the best thing in your life  I just…I just felt my heart skip a beat. I never thought I could fall in love with a boy. Never. But you did. And I thought we could make it and the thing suddenly became more serious.

I was still scared but you gave me hope that I am all you’ll ever need and that started to settle in and I was ready. But then-‘’ you bow your head down. Well, among all the best memories of him the one you hated to recall imprinted itself the hardest behind your eyes.

‘’I fucked up. I missed my chance then.’’ He breathes out as if someone stabbed a knife into his back.

Something heavy falls above both of you, slowly crawling down your hair to your necks where its claws dip into your flesh and squeeze your throats to dust. It’s hard to swallow the dryness that faded from exhaustion from talking. It’s hard to take the next steps when it hurts the further you go.

But you have to do this now.

You both need to end this fucked up shit.

‘’Just tell me’’ Levi starts with a weak voice, defeated, bruised. ‘’will you ever forgive me?’’

Your whole life is marked with mistakes. And even though some of them had fatal consequences most of them felt so right; they hurt and stung but in such a sweet way. Maybe you’re destined to fall apart upon your mistakes, mark your shitty life with new ones and never learning from the old ones.

Repeating and creating: that’s your routine.

You stand up.

Feet bring you to his form.

You sit down.

He’s so warm.

Arms drape over his tiny shoulders, over the thick blanket that prevents your skin to corrode.

His breath hitches.

You press him against your chest.

Brain stops to work, heart speeds up, palms start to sweat.

You shut your eyes, it starts to hurt.

He brings his arms to your sides, slowly and carefully  linking fingers together.

He breathes something heavy out.

You inhale something heavy.

 

_These are two dead lovers._

 

‘’Eren-‘’

‘’Shhh.’’

‘’Eren, stop.’’

‘‘No.‘‘

‘‘Please.‘‘

‘‘I can’t.‘‘

‘‘I beg...you.‘’

‘’I’m sorry.’’

You press him tighter to yourself. You breathe him to the last molecule, an arsenic scent you became addicted to long time ago. He digs his nails into your back, fingers twitch form the neurotoxin your body spreads onto him. Tears soon start to burn your neck, an acidic reminder that he begs you to kill him. His hair stabs your cheek, it hurts so good.

A lot of minutes tick by as the both of you stay in your place, wrapped in each other’s thorny arms and losing the last bits of sanity you have.

There is nothing that can explain this thing you have.

It’s just impossible.

Impossible to hold two people together who harmed each other so much, who played with hearts and never said the right words. It’s impossible to explain how the two are drawn to each other when they will never be together, never have the thing they lost.

It’s impossible to fix them. Impossible to make them stay together.

But here they are: dying in each other’s arms ,holding onto the past and creating a bitter future that will not carry happy memories.

He lifts his lips from your heated skin and sniffs as if he’s been drowning in a sea of acid.

‘’You broke me.’’ He whispers and grips you tighter.

You don’t let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little note: When Eren says I can't and I'm sorry at the end, it's not the answer to Levi's question about Eren forgiving him.  
> The final yes or no will be answered at the end of this fic. hihi :3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter was posted one month ago. God, I'm so lame.  
> pls don't hate me T__T
> 
> http://prozacx.tumblr.com/ <3

_‘’ Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise ’’_

 

It’s the time before Christmas when you noticed that she was giving up.

Her bones, old and aching, sought for rest on your lap or by your feet when she didn’t have the strength to stand up. Your voice, a melody she adored to hear whenever you stepped into your house after work didn’t wake her up anymore. Sometimes she would bump into your furniture, stand still for a couple of seconds and just like an old man breathe in and out until she decides it’s not much painful to move.

As days went by Maya slowly reached the end of her journey.

You’re watching her  helplessly shutting down but all you can do now is make the last days the best you can so when she closes her eyes she will leave this world warm, happy and loved.

‘’Hey, old girl.’’ You pat her head gently, your fingers massage her brows for her to wake up. Her breathing is quiet, her head is heavy in your lap. ‘’Wake up.’’ You scratch her behind her collar, on the place she loves so much. ‘’It’s time for dinner.’’

But she doesn’t respond. Light snoring leaves her cold nose and for a moment your heart eases in your chest. She’s alive.

You chuckle a bit, still patting her head when a thought crosses your mind that maybe she’s just too lazy to wake up or she likes to play games with you. Even though she was an old lady who lived a life on the streets and found happiness in your home, sometimes the puppy in her shows its real face and all you can do is shake your head and laugh. She’s a cheeky dog.

It takes her some time to wake up but when you put her down on the floor her strange behavior is what catches your attention. She slowly walked over to the front door where she stood there for a couple of minutes until her legs gave out and she laid down still watching the door.

And what more unusual for you to see is that every time you carry her back to her basket she climbs out only to lay down by the door again. Your brows furrow. She never did things like that. Maybe you should call your boss and ask her what’s wrong with Maya?

‘’Umm…Hanji?…Sorry if I’m bugging but I have a little problem over here and I really need your help.’’

_‘’Oh no! Don’t worry about that. I’m not busy at the moment. Umm what’s wrong?’’_

‘’It’s Maya.’’ You pause and glance at the door where the dog is still curled up. ‘’She’s behaving really odd this morning.’’

_‘’Odd like?’’_

‘’Well she’s staring at my door and every time I put her into her basket she comes back and lays down on the floor. It’s just…she never did that…’’

 _‘’Aha…’’_ for a moment all you hear is her breathing interrupted by a heavy sigh. You don’t like the tone of it. _‘’You know Maya is very old and it may be that she’s going to die soon. I don’t know if you heard about it but sometimes when animals feel like it’s their time to leave this world they usually go and try to find a quiet place to die. I think that Maya wants to go out and…’’_ she falls quiet then. You can hear in the way she talked slowly that she’s worried too and sad upon realizing that it’s time for Maya to go.

You gulp.

You take a big breath to stay calm, to fill your lungs with so much air so the pain can’t crush your chest. You can already feel your lips pulling down, trembling in sync with your breaking heart. It’s hard. It’s hard to hear things like that. It’s hard to watch things you’ve gotten attached to go away.

‘’Really?’’ you muster to whisper. You can feel your voice slowly giving out.

_‘’I’m sorry, Eren.  There is nothing you can do about this. It’s the flow of life and I think you should let her out. If she wants to die free, please let her…’’_

‘’Okay.’’ It’s hard to find the strength for your voice when it’s leaving your arms and legs, your body. ‘’Thank you, tho. I’ll call you if something happens.’’

 _‘’Do you want me to come over?’’_ her voice is so soft, you notice.

‘’No, um…I can handle it alone.’’ The line is silent. Neither of you has any words to say. ‘’Thanks.’’ You add at the end. It’s all you can say.

_‘’Okay then. I’m here if you need me.’’_

You wait for a few moments for silence to settle over your conversation. When none of you say a word you end the call and put your phone down. With heavy steps you walk over the door where Maya looks up at you with something in her eyes that makes your lungs ache and heart warm up.

She gives you a look filled with gratefulness, something so strong not even a human being could be capable of to cast. You lift her up and slowly walk to your backyard where you place her under the tree. It’s cold and the first snow wets your clothes but you ignore the stinging and  choose to kneel beside her.

A fat tear runs down your cheek as you stroke her fur as softly as you can. You’re giving her freedom, something she deserves, something that is her purpose. We are want to die free when the final day comes. Free of our worries and problems, free of the things that bound us to the dark side of this world; the alleys and corners for cigarettes to be extinguished. We want to die with a smile on our lips as our heart beats the last beat, our lungs fill with our last breath and our eyes bat the last time before they close forever.

You start to shake when you feel the cold seeping through your clothes and crawling under your skin. But you have to be strong for her. You have to give her the best for the last. You don’t have much memories of her; after all you took her under your wing at a very old age and you knew this was coming. But you can remember the little things you had with her:

She gave you strength to burn your past.

She gave you company in late night hours when you couldn’t sleep and your heart was breaking.

She kept one side of you warm, the side that’s supposed to be Levi’s.

She took the heartache away.

And now when she’s breathing her last breaths away you hold those memories dear to your heart. You want more of them. But sometimes things happen in the wrong place at the wrong time… And maybe if you two had a little bit more time this friendship could get deeper…But Eren…You have to learn to appreciate the things life gives you. No matter if they last a lifetime or a short amount of time, you should be grateful for having them happened to you.

It’s quiet. The snowflakes knit comforting hands on your shoulders and stay stuck on the bits of Maya’s fur. You try to still your trembling lips but somehow the frost doesn’t let you. It’s really hard to sing when the cold bites at your lips.

‘’ _Black bird singing in the dead of night. Take these sunken eyes and learn to see all your life you were only waiting for this moment to be fre.’’_

Winter has this sad ability to take life away and still make it look beautiful. Fingers gone numb from the cold followed with your teeth clattering you lost the perception of time that got stuck somewhere under the light layer of snow on rooftops and tree branches.  It must have been a long time you squatted there since your hands are painted with a heavy shade of crimson and lost all their feelings with the cold.

‘’Goodbye, my old girl.’’ You whisper into the sharp December wind as the wonderful creature lays there, happy you believe, dreaming an endless winter fairytale.

It’s hard to move your thumb over the screen. Hanji doesn’t let you wait long. Your fingers run through her thick but cold fur as she’s placed in the back of Hanji’s car as a final goodbye.

‘’You’re going to be okay?’’ She closes the door and adjusts her glasses that slipped down her nose.

You shrug. ‘’I’ll survive it. It’s just…I’ll miss her.’’

Hanji pats your shoulder and gives it a warm squeeze that’s promising a little piece of comfort you need. You’re a little bit sad. It’s no big deal. Now you have to live in a house, that’s again, too big for you.

‘’She was a brave girl.’’ She looks at the closed door sighing and you can’t help but follow the puff of warm air drifting off to the sky.

‘’A partner in crime.’’ A small smile creeps over your chapped lips. The cold bites your skin like a revengeful lover.

‘’Okay, I’ll be going now. You know…I could give you the day free? Just to clear your mind a bit and…mourn a little.’’

‘’Thanks.’’

 

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise_

(…)

 

 

‘’Eren! Oh my god, are you okay?’’ the gasp that leaves her lip gloss covered lips echoes through the hall. Her caramel eyes are filled with worry, almost shinning with a set of tears that carry too much emotion.

You give an awkward shrug with your tired shoulders and mutter words that itch coming out from your throat. ‘’My dog died.’’

‘’Oh, you poor thing.’’ Her warm hands cup your cheeks with her warmer thumbs wiping away tears gotten stuck on your face from the cold. Those hands that make the skin she touched alive slide down your neck, where a violent pulse rips through your veins like a storm shakes the shore,  only to link around it and burry her long, ivory fingers into your chestnut hair.

The warmth is addicting, you realize as you press yourself closer to her, chest to chest with arms holding onto each other tight. It’s sweet and promising so many things you missed. It’s comforting in a way you don’t want to part; you feel so safe, almost like a shelter to take refuge when the clouds decide to wet your skin with their tears.

_Addicting._

It’s like you never want to let go. Her scent is light and has a girly note, innocent but mature. It feels like you’re so worth of being comforted by this wonderful creature, letting it take away the sorrow with every fingertip that touches your skin. It’s like she’s the awaited salvation that will drag you out from the battlefield and heal your wounds with lavender and rosemary.

‘’Come in. I’ll make you coffee.’’ She pulls away and grabs your hand, and to your surprise linking your fingers, to let them go a few step later when she disappears into the kitchen with a small smile dancing on her lips and a silent promise that everything will be okay.

Her living room smells like paint, fresh one that’s laid out to dry. You spot a newly painted picture just right in the corner where she keeps her heels and shoes on the little stand next to the window. You’re surprised to find dark colors; a navy blue mixed with black to paint the night skies, various shades of grey and soft black tones that melt together with the pale blues that are illuminated by the street lamps. You find it beautiful how she paints the snow. It stands out with its white shine and untouched beauty, how it doesn’t mix up with the background and just precisely cuts through the nightscape and sky.

‘’I’m impressed.’’ You huff out loud, eyes still fixed on the painting.

‘’What?’’ she calls out. You see her poking her head inside the living room, a messy bun tied on top of her brown hair. ‘’The painting? Umm…thanks.’’ You know she’s blushing. She’s just hiding it behind the wall.

‘’Yeah, it’s…amazing. Actually it’s marvelous.’’ You don’t lie. She’s a talented painter.

She comes out of her hiding spot (you guessed it right, she’s blushing) with a spoon covered with chocolate and a coffee mug in the other. She stands next to you and you both admire her hard work.

‘’I forgot to tell you something.’’ She smiles and looks up at you.  ‘’First: it’s a long story and second:  I run out of coffee so I’m making hot chocolate. You okay with that?’’

Fuck, your dog has just died and this amazing, wonderful women makes you smile and act like a child about to get its favorite candy.

‘’First: I can’t help it but feel like it’s girls night.  And second: I fucking love hot chocolate.’’ You give her a big smile and follow her into the kitchen where she gives you your mugs while she carries two plates with cake.

You love her cake.

Eren, you’re supposed to be sad. Crying and rolling on the floor. Stop acting like a puppy in love! Wait.

She flops down onto her plushy couch with a huff, and you wonder how she’s managing to balance the plate in her hand while literally slamming her body into the piece of furniture. She folds her legs and takes a bite turning her body towards you.

‘’So, beginning this month an old friend of mine told me that there was a small art show on Christmas night so we both went to the organizer of the art show to ask him if I could participate. It’s a small show, nothing big with wannabe artists like me who just want to show their ‘’unpopular’’ art for people who are nice enough to appreciate it. Long story short: I got in!’’ she claps her hands in a cute way and continues. ‘’They saw some of my works and they liked it! ‘’

‘’Wow, that’s amazing. Congratulations!’’ You can’t help but smile. She really deserved it.

‘’Wait! We’re not quite there.’’ She interrupts you holding her index finger up. ‘’So, there comes the part where I ask you if you’d like to go with me and hope I’m not getting rejected. I mean, it’s just in a friendly manner, so don’t worry. I’m not trying to drag you on a date you don’t know about or something.’’ She blushes at the end.

Christmas means one thing to you.

It’s his birthday.

It’s going to be just one more year where you’re going to sit alone, refusing to answer calls and stuff yourself with things that are too sweet to you. But this is an opportunity that could change a night of self pity and loneliness into a nice night which can bring nice memories to think of when being older.

So why reject an offer to live a little? Be happy again?

‘’Umm why not?’’ you smile and shrug. ‘’I mean, you’re fantastic, you really are. And I want to see your art shinning among others. I haven’t planned anything, tho…’’ you take a big sip of your warm drink and smile when the liquid gets stuck on your upper lip. ‘’Consider me as a partner in crime.’’

She squeaks and jumps over to hug you, wrapping you up into that weird but nice embrace again. You inhale her scent.

It’s nice.

‘’So,’’ you ask her ‘’which ones are you showing off with?’’

 

(…)

Somewhere in the afternoon you part your ways. She has to go to work and is not lazing around like a certain someone. You’re surprised by the kiss she plants on your cheek, soft and just like you imagined, at her doorstep as a final goodbye. Crimson dusts her cheeks, your heart speeds up a bit, you see her fingers trembling and your lips quiver at the corners.

But…

With each step you take, the fun and happiness fade away and leave a bitter aftertaste in your mouth.

_Reality is a bitch._

You’re afraid to change. That’s it. You’re afraid of the big change that will come the moment you two come back from the show, drunk on laughter and maybe some vine, when the clock will tick midnight and you both would share a kiss long awaited.

You are afraid that the last act that needed to be played will tear the old pages out and toss them into the wind who will carry them into the past where dust will lay over them and cover them with oblivion.  And then moving on will be so easy.

When you get to his floor and reality blasts it’s fist face into your skull, you realize that you’re still sad over the death of your dog and that you will come home to no one and that tonight you will have to stock away her blanket, basket and bowl. That you will eat alone without the funny smell of dog food and her slow steps echoing though the living room.

It’s crashing upon you with a raging wave. It hits you with a heavy weight pressing into your chest.

You passed his door and stop for a moment. Chest heaving for air and your blood craving for something you can’t quite understand, you take a few steps back finally looking at his door while your heart punches your sternum into a knockout.

You knock.

It’s the small differences you notice when the same scene is played again, just a new person standing in front of you. His eyes are wide upon seeing you, and you can see how his Adam’s apple bobs when he swallows hard. He notices your tears and furrows his thin brows, asking you why did you come to him? His hand remains on the doorknob, still.

You’re the first one to talk, voice shaking.

‘’Can I come in?’’

 

(…)

 

‘’I’m sorry.’’ He says to you in a small voice after hearing the story with your dog. He hands you another tissue and you don’t know if it was on accident but the touch his fingers printed onto your skin feels quite pleasant.

While you’re wiping away the remains of your mourning he notices your red colored hands, bruised from the cold. He takes a breath in, a little too sharp.

‘’Eren. Your hands.’’

_They look awful._

‘’It’s really noth-‘’

‘’Give them to me.’’

You hold them out for him, fingers twitching slightly. Something in you erupts when he takes them in his and lets his thumbs slide over the scurfy skin. He curses something under his breath but you don’t hear it because you’re focused on the softness of his own, the warmth of his fingers cradling your bruised ones like a child’s head.

It’s so familiar. It’s so nice. It’s so…

‘’I’ll go and get some lotion.’’

And just when he turns his back to you, you come to realize that he got better. You still remember the feeling of his rough fingertips, how his hands were cold all the time.  You remember the time when they felt like this, it was years ago. You welcome the nice feeling and the warmth that spreads though your chest when you think about it.

He comes back and you skip over his form. He looks better; his eyes aren’t resting upon dark circles anymore, his bangs are neatly combed and his lips look so pink and…

You lick your own one while trying to suppress the primal need that was slumbering in your head. Awaked by his beauty you crave him more than anything. You’re going crazy in your skin.

You’re losing your sanity more with the way he takes one of your hands and spreads the pleasant smelling lotion over the bruised skin, working it with slow and gentle circles. You watch as his fingers paint endless arches and whirls taking the redness away.

You’re mesmerized by the feeling of his breath hitting your hand, his fingers working over your hand and the touch that renews itself again after such a long time. You need to admit: you missed it. Every touch, print and burn of his ivory digits that created invisible lines and a fire deep underneath your skin. Almost faded by time he rebuilds them again, ignites the sparks that have been smoldering there from the day you two broke apart.

With every new touch a new thread that binds you to him connects you. You’re colliding with each other on full speed. You’re…

‘’..and don’t forget to apply it before sleeping.’’ You don’t remember when he took your other hand and finished it. You don’t even remember when he started talking.

You stare into your hands, skin pulsating in sync with your heartbeats.

‘’I’m tired.’’ You breathe out. The silence before felt suffocating.

It’s been a heavy day. The weight of the day still hangs heavy on your shoulders and your head hurts from crying. You lost so much today but again you achieved something in return. It’s hard to think about which ones are better but _right now_ is what you, for some reason, don’t regret.

Out of habit you lay down onto his lap and he automatically has his fingers buried in your hair. You find it strange for your heart to feel suddenly so calm and your eyes heavy with the shadow of slumber.

‘’You know,’’ he begins, voice gentle ‘’ you can always come to me.’’

You turn on your back and watch him hovering above you, his light blue eyes fixed on your still red cheeks. His scent invades your senses, it digs deeper into your body where it seeps through your bones and poisons every cell in your body. His index finger travels from your hairline to the line of your nose and you close your eyes.

It feels so good when he touches you.

You press your head harder against his thighs, tilting your head back allowing his finger to trace your upper lip and press lightly into the corner of your mouth. You stop breathing for a second, focusing on the map he draws on your lips. Soon, it burns down your bottom lip and ends on your chin where his thumb caresses your feverish skin.

‘’What are we?’’ you murmur.

‘’I don’t know.’’ Comes the quiet answer.

 

(…)

 

Your house is silent and the darkness of your room swallows your body. You find it hard to find sleep when your breathing is the only loud noise echoing there. The buzz of your lungs aches. The loneliness that’s hovering over your tired form. The quiet ruffling of your sheets when you toss and turn over.

Your phone buzzes.

 **Levi** : _I hope you have no plans for Christmas. It would mean a lot if you could come by. You don’t have to stay. Thank you._

You hold your breath. You don’t dare to exhale.

 **Eren** : _I’ll stay_.

Maybe it’s the sleep that changes your way of thinking or just your heart speaking for itself.

Both of them are messes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Eren. You're in deep shit.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh, I'll call this early Christmas gift. UwU
> 
> Enjoy! <3
> 
> http://prozacx.tumblr.com/

_Not friends, not enemies,_

_just some strangers with some_

_memories._

 

 

On December 24th you wake up with a headache and a heavy heart beating inside of your chest.  While you’re trying to ease the bite of your conscience gnawing at the back of your head, million on thoughts race before your sleepy eyes only leaving you more stressed. The day hasn’t officially begun and you’re questioning your sanity and your naïve heart that only longs for a little company so it won’t feel alone.

You roll over and groan into your pillow, muffling your desperate screams of how much you fucked up. Fuck. Eren, you really fucked up. How in hell will you be at two different places at the same time? It’s not like you can split in two; go with the girl as a happy man and stay with the man with everything hurt that’s left of you.

Thinking even further you groan again, this time louder, when you realize you have to ditch one of them. It’s a hard decision and you can’t rely on your heart because you know who it’s gonna pick. Thinking ways out of this mess, you created this time, only goes with two paths: go with someone or ditch them both and stay home alone.

You just can’t risk.

The thing you have with _her_ is something special and rejecting it would just mean you’re a gigantic asshole. But rejecting _him_ , when you finally started to drift to each other and lick each other’s wounds is something your heart doesn’t want to lose. Both of them are precious, each one in a different way, and leaving one behind would mean hurting the one you chose to abandon with a sick promise to come back crawling when it hurts the most.

You rub your sleepy eyes, feeling the slippery rounds of your eyeballs. For a second you wait for your vision to come back. It’s hard to know that there are unfinished things going on between Levi and you. Thinking about it, you’re hopelessly desperate to know what’s the ending of your unfinished story. But the worst is that you’re afraid to continue, afraid to dare yourself to go back to the chapter that was cut off so abruptly and go back to finish the sentence where you stopped writing. You realize that it still needs two to finish that story and doing it alone won’t feel right.

You need his signature that this thing is over, written to the last word that will end your story no matter how sad, painful or tragic it is. You can’t move on without him moving on, you can’t start new without him allowing you to step to the start line and run off without him by your side. It’s a gamble. It’s a risky move where a lot of still alive feelings are involved and you can’t say for sure that he doesn’t feel the things he felt towards you a year ago.

In the end you’re going to be the asshole who took the smile from someone’s lips away, the asshole that will leave someone waiting at the restaurant, the asshole that will never call back after someone gave their number to them. You’re going to break her heart or kill his one because you are so selfish and need so much attention. You are so hopelessly in need for touch, words and warmth you don’t realize the more you crave the colder you feel.

You glance at your watch and the time ticking away tells you it’s time for work. Hanji was kind enough to give you one day off to mourn over your dog and you would be a bigger asshole to take advantage of that situation and take one more day off. It takes a lot of your energy to get up and leave the warm covers, walk down the empty and silent hall without something barking good morning at you. It takes a lot of your sanity to light up a cigarette with your morning coffee and leave it half burning just out of your habit.

You sigh knowing there is no one to finish the other half off.

 

(…)

 

Ricky greets you with his daily dose of ‘’I like to hump your leg’’ when you step into the animal shelter followed with his mates. They lick at your hands, push their muzzles against your legs in a warm greeting that somehow pulls a smile over your lips. Okay, you really need a distraction. You’ll think about being the asshole when you get back home. Now, they don’t allow you to be the asshole nor you have the heart to be the asshole with them.

You feed the other dogs, clean their boxes, focused on not thinking about the shit you’re in. You try to hum a melody to keep you distracted but the only one that leaves your lips is the one you sang to Maya. You’re heart squeezes a bit and something like pain shoots from your chest to your limbs leaving you feel tired and hurt.

You can’t keep your thoughts down even when you’re petting the small pups that play with your fingers, eager for fun and love. It’s not until Hanji, your boss, peeks her head into the room and calls you out for a little break.

‘’Eren?’’ she calls you with a tender tone in her words.

You look up and give her a small smile. She really is amazing.

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Do you have a minute? I want to ask you something.’’

‘’Sure.’’ you huff while standing up and giving the pups one last, warm glance when you follow your boss out to the back exit where you face the parking lot for workers. She takes out a pack of cigarettes and offers you one. You take it silently even though it’s the brand you don’t like so much.

Either way, you need something bitter in your system.

You give her a look to speak and she lights her cigarette first and starts talking when a thick cloud of smoke leaves her red chapped lips.

‘’I know you’re being through a lot lately and I won’t force you to come if you really don’t feel comfortable.’’ She leans her shoulder against the building wall and stares you into your green eyes that lost a little bit of their shine long time ago. ‘’I want to invite you to my wedding.’’ Then, her lips pull into a wide grin that shows her teeth with a little bit of lipstick on them. ‘’Listen, I know we’re not best friends and we have this boss/worker relationship, but I like you Eren and I really enjoy your company. I have talked to my soon-to-be-husband about it, his name is Mike, and he’s totally alright with it.’’ She chuckles a bit. ‘’It’s not official though!’’ she waves with her hands desperately and you can’t help but crack a little smile. She’s so happy, you see, and nervous too. ‘’You will of course get an invite but I wanted to make sure you’re…you know…after everything.’’ She pauses to look at your expression then ducks her head a bit only to look up and say with a shy voice ‘’Will you come? It would really mean a lot to me.’’

Somehow you get the feeling that saying yes to this will again throw you in deep shit but you can’t deny that you feel happy she invited you. It’s nice to know that you are important to people and they enjoy your company. You can’t help but feel less alone.

It’s nice.

‘’You’re really you want me to ruin your wedding?’’

‘’Hundred percent sure. It’s gonna be a disaster wedding. Mike will love it.’’ Her grin is so wide, creating little dimples on her cheeks.

‘’I will turn it into a funeral.’’ You tilt your head to the side a bit.

‘’Then I will wear a black dress.’’

You take a big puff of smoke only to snort in surprise and let the smoke fly out of your nostrils and mouth. You cough and she pats your back, laughing while trying to save you from choking.

‘’You didn’t tell me it’s going be your funeral! I thought it would be Mike’s!’’

You give her a smile and look long into her eyes.

‘’I’ll come. Pale with no pulse, I’ll come and grace you with my dead presence.’’

‘’I’m so honored.’’ She sighs and then wraps her arms around you. Out of all people, Hanji gives the best hugs.

‘’Thank you for the invite.’’

‘’No, thank you Eren.’’ Her eyes are strange, a little bit sad yet thankful but you’re not able to decipher it. You can only hope that with her invite she didn’t plan something.

But you have a strong feeling she has.

 

(…)

 

You don’t know why your heart beats so hard when you sit at your kitchen counter and try to swallow down your poor excuse of dinner. You can’t understand why your muscles pull and jump and  something gnaws at the back of your skull. Every couple of breaths you have the one where you exhale painfully feeling a strange kind of nervousness biting at your body.

You’re not sick enough to go see a doctor so you’re not healthy enough to go to sleep and let the next day break you.

A loud clank fills your kitchen when you drop the fork into your plate and cover your face with your hands. What are you going to do? You’re such a terrible person, someone who can’t even say the right things and think straight. You’re a big asshole who only wants to hurt people because you’ve been hurt. And the worst is that innocent people are involved, people you never want to hurt, who don’t even deserve your presence and attention.

You push you plate aside feeling nauseated when you glance at the ashes in your ashtray and all those unfinished cigarettes you’re wasting away. There is no sense in smoking them when you know you can’t smoke them till the end and you need someone who will finish them off for you. You need the ‘’Do you want to finish it off?’’, the ‘’I told you to not smoke when you can’t smoke like normal people.’’ or the ‘’Give the shit to me, you’re already blue in the face.’’

Suddenly, your thoughts are filled with his name.

You hate remembering, but damn if you don’t love remembering the shit you’ve both been through. The time you both had, the ‘’oh shit!’’ you gasped while running off, the ‘’fuck off asshole’’ you whined when you were teased, or the sweet kisses you shared while hiding behind the bleachers because it was much sweeter that way.

You miss him so much.

So fucking much.

You…

You get up and don’t care when your chair falls to the floor with an ugly sound. Breaths coming short, you run towards your attic and push the door open only making it smack against the wall. You fail three times while turning the lights on.

It’s there, lying on the desk with your past, things he touched, marked, left his scent on. It lies there, still fresh from the night it was created, the night where he slept for the first time in this house after he left. You hate his body, the way it looks so fragile and you only want to hold it and prevent from falling apart. You hate the way his face looks perfect, the ivory skin melting with the paper, you only want to cradle in your hands and kiss those lips until he can’t breathe.

‘’Fuck you.’’ You whisper. ‘’Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck…

..you.’’

Tears are falling down you cheeks, heavy and thick. They sting and burn and leave salty trails that eat away your skin. A gasp leaves your lips, lungs are collapsing, heart is dying. After all this time you haven’t stopped loving him. You loved him in the sickest way, letting him walk over you and trample you to the ground. You loved him when he broke your heart, when he tore it out of your chest and left without a goodbye.

You want to tear this piece of paper apart, burn it down. You want to crumple it and throw away. But you can’t. This is the only piece you have of him. All the others are turned to ashes. You burned them all.

They are gone.

 

(…)

 

On the night of December 25th, snow decided to grace their little town and cover it with its soft flakes. A bouquet of yellow tulips, placed on the passenger seat, shines periodically with the lights of passing streetlamps. Everything is white; various Christmas lights paint the fallen snow with something innocent in the air. It’s a silent ride; you’re annoyed by the radio and really not in the mood for never ending Christmas songs, not even your heart dares to echo louder in your chest.

You sigh.

This is going to be hard.

It’s going to be messy and bloody.

It’s going to fucking hurt.

It wasn’t the easiest idea. You finally let your shoulders relax while trying to believe yourself it was the better decision of this night. It’s for the best, you think, and you know that it’s gonna hurt but pain fades away with time and somehow it’s easier to deal with it tomorrow or the day after tomorrow than the moment it comes in a sick rush.

You pull up to their building and turn off the engine. The silence that envelopes you has an icy effect on you making you feel cold. Your hands are cold too. It’s hard to move them with the freezing feeling settling in your fingertips not allowing you to open the door and break a heart on Christmas.

The best gift ever.

A few shaky breaths leave your lips which are trembling slightly with every new breath. You take a look at rearview mirror and regret doing so. Your eyes look tired and carry a look that is pleading for forgiveness and understanding that this had to be done. You avoid looking at you hair that is slicked back and reminds you too much of prom night that year when you shouted to the world to know that you love him, only him and no one else.

Love him…

You close your eyes and start to feel your heart picking up on its speed, feeling like a knife was beating instead and pierced you with its sharp tip. Something buzzes in your ears; maybe it’s the voice of your own heart screaming to stop and cut this thing off before everything shatters down and the threads that are left finally rip apart with a painful and sickening sound.

The steps you take to the building are made with legs of lead and you can hear the blasting noise coming from your shoes hitting the first flight of stairs. You’re closer to your Christmas tragedy with every step that leads you to the place where tonight a heart’s going to be broken. And maybe something more but you don’t dare yourself to think about it. The whole act on its own is terrible and you don’t want to think about all the other consequences that come with a broken heart.

You wouldn’t wish it to your worst enemy. You experienced it all and it fucking hurts like a bitch.

You thoughts carry away the time it takes to arrive to the final destination you’re going to take tonight and never come back.

It’s settled. You have decided and you swore that you will be strong, even though it takes tears and sobs, you will stand tall and finish this never ending pain, the battle you’ve been battling all this time.

You raise your right hand to knock.

Your left one is empty.

There is no bouquet of yellow tulips.

 

You knock.

One time…

Two times…

Three times…

Your heart beats and bleeds and you’re drowning in yourself, feeling every part of you shutting down.

The door opens.

‘’Eren?’’ you hear and the first punch blows your face. It stings looking at him. ‘’Why are you here? ‘’ he glances down onto his watch on his ivory wrist and furrows his brows. ‘’I thought you’d come at eight.’’ He looks at you with wide eyes surprised by your presence. ‘’I…I…’’ he stutters ‘’the dinner is not ready yet…I didn’t expect you this early…sorry…fuck.’’ He curses and looks back at the table that is halfway set and…

Your heart breaks because you see unlit candles and a small bouquet of roses placed carefully in the middle. The plates are still on top of each other with the cutlery lying on unfolded vanilla colored napkins. Something stabs you in your back when your eyes roam over the decorated room that reminds you of your home and he the smell of your favorite dish comes from the kitchen.

God, this is so unfair. Oh God, why is he doing this?

He did this all for you. The vanilla colored table cover, the napkins the white candles - it just breaks your heart to see how much effort he has put in this knowing that those are your favorite colors. How he knows you like to eat fish on Christmas and drink white vine. How he still remembers that you like tall and slim candles with vine patterns on them. How he remembers that you are a hopeless romantic and adore rose petals strewn all over the table.

Why does it hurt so much refusing to come back to your home?

‘’I-umm…’’you can’t find the right words to tell him that you came here tonight to tell him that you should break this thing off and never see each other again. You can’t even open your mouth with words stuck in your throat and chest squeezing the air out while it hurts so much to breathe.

He looks at you like you’re the only thing in the world and looks like the high school Levi leaning against your locker and waiting for you to come home with him. His eyes are shining with happiness and something that makes your heart ache for him in every way possible while he looks you over. You see him pulling a small smile knowing that you slicked your hair back and you know he loves it when you do that.

‘’It started to snow and I didn’t want to get stuck…umm…fuck I don’t even have a present...oh my God…I’m so stupid.’’

You can’t.

You just can’t break his heart.

You love him too much after all these years and the shit you had to deal with and the pain that  only made you love him more than you should have.

You shake all over and look him in the eyes, your favorite shade of light blue looking right back, and know that as much as it feels wrong this is what your heart wants.

You want him. Only him and no one else.

You don’t care how much it will hurt, how much it will be fucked up, but right now you only want to look at him and curse the stars for falling in love with this beautiful man standing right in front of you.

‘’It’s okay.’’ You snap out of your thoughts and the look he casts you makes your hands warmer for a little bit. ‘’Come in.’’ he says in a gentle voice and steps aside allowing you to take off your shoes and coat. ‘’You look gorgeous.’’ He smiles at you while he hangs your coat and leads you to the table.

A light shade of crimson paints your cheeks and you feel your heart skip a beat. Suddenly it’s like the time never stopped for you two and you’re celebrating another Christmas, another birthday. It feels like he never cheated on you. It’s like you continued living together, cooking meals for each other and stay up late on Saturday evenings until one of you falls asleep.

It’s like you never stopped loving each other.

‘’Thank you.’’ you whisper and take his form in. He’s in his favorite black jeans and an old red T-shirt that still looks incredibly hot on him . You notice that his hair is pushed a little bit back, maybe because he was still finishing the last bits of your dinner but he looks amazing nevertheless. ‘’So are you.’’ And it’s like in high school again. You blush like a school girl.

‘’Me? Oh no, I look like a wreck.’’ He chuckles and turns to the fridge where he pulls a bowl out and puts something in it. His back turned to you he says. ‘’But thanks anyway. I will never understand how you liked this.’’ he then turns to you slightly and gestures to his face and you sigh because after all these years he never stopped being weird about his constant frown or his natural dark shades under his eyes.

There is a pause where you awkwardly stand in the middle of the kitchen and him finishing his work. You decide to break the awkward tension. ‘’Don’t worry about the table. I’ll set it.’’ You finally find yourself useful and arrange the table just like you always had on Christmas. There is a small smile pulling at your lips.

It’s nice.

Minutes tick by and finally the table is set with your dinner and the tall candles shine with their warm flames. He gestures for you to sit down, taking out the stool for you like a gentlemen and slowly guiding you to sit on it. You heart beats frantically when you feel his fingers brush against the nape of your neck. ‘’I’ll be right back.’’ He disappears into his bedroom and comes back with a white button up neatly tucked in his jeans with two buttons open, revealing a beautiful slender neck with two delicate collarbones at the base.

This man is so breathtaking.

When he sits down and looks you in the eyes you know that there is still something between you that could work out. You feel almost content that maybe this story is not at its end and that maybe there is still space to write it down. There is a warm feeling spreading in your chest, something that feels almost like home.

He starts to ask you how you feel, how your plans are for New Year.  The vine you sip feels sweet on your tongue leaving a light bitter aftertaste you always liked. You both laugh at the stories that are dear to the heart, remembering the pranks you pulled on Jean, the classes you sometimes skipped together and the times Armin cried because there was a spider in his hair.

He tells you that he stopped taking his medication and tries to live his life like he used to. From the words he chooses you realize he is still hard on himself. But it’s a good thing. He’s really getting better.

That night you lived in your past, eating dinner with the man you loved and not caring about the world outside.

Suddenly, her face flashes in front of your eyes making you stop talking. Levi looks at you with a cocked eyebrow silently asking you ‘’what’s wrong?’’.

‘’I…umm...need to go to the bathroom. Sorry.’’ You murmur out and bolt to the bathroom where you lock yourself in and lean against the door.

You knew this was going to happen. You knew it was going to be her who’s going to get hurt tonight. She doesn’t deserve it. She doesn’t deserve someone like you. Someone who goes back to cheating exes and loves to be hurt in the sickest way. Someone that plays the victim and then turns the savior into the same one with the same game he played.

Well, dear Eren, congratulations for being the biggest asshole on Earth.

_I’m so sorry but I can’t come tonight. I know I promised you but there is an emergency and I really can’t come. I will make it up to you. Please don’t be mad._

And this is the endless cycle you can’t break. Promising and breaking promises, smiling and lying, playing innocent cards and cheating.

You try to swallow but your throat his dry. You try to take a breath but it hurts too much.

Well, fuck.

Something stabs you when you read her reply.

_Oh, Eren don’t worry! I’m not mad at you and I understand. I hope you are alright? I will text you tomorrow. See you._

 

She’s too good for you.

You rub your eyes feeling the tiredness settling over them. A shuddering breath fills your chest before you open the door and notice that Levi isn’t at the table anymore. You spot him on the couch, a glass of vine in his hands, waiting for you.

‘’Oh, there you are.’’ He spots you standing in front of the living room. You try to smile but know it looks horrible. ‘’Something wrong?’’ he asks. He sets the glass on the coffee table down and sighs, his façade also slipping.

‘’Listen, I don’t want to force you being here and I know you’re not comfortable. I told you don’t have to stay. Coming by was just enough.’’ He looks down to his feet where he fidgets with his slippers.

It’s so sad watching him try. Watching him try to apologize in every way he can, save what’s left of you and make it better than it is. It’s hard to know that he blames himself so much it makes you pity him but this is the price he pays for doing the thing he promised to never do.

You sit down next to him, a little bit too close. Maybe it’s because of the vine, maybe because your feelings never changed but somehow you really want to be near him. You want to hold him. Wrap your arms around him and feel his body against yours. You want to talk about your old memories, about how boring his life is and how incredible yours is.

You want to kiss him.

‘’You never listen, do you.’’ He breaks the silence and gives you a tired smile. He gestures to your hands that are still red.

‘’Oh, I forgot.’’ You shrug awkwardly. ‘’They’ll be fine.’’

‘’No, they won’t.’’

And the same scenario plays in front of you where he stands up, goes to his bedroom and comes back with the pleasant smelling lotion to apply on your hands.

‘’Levi…’’you whine as he takes one and starts spreading the cold cream over your burning skin.

‘’Shhh…’’ He whispers while watching his fingers trailing lines into your skin. The feeling is electrifying, setting every nerve on fire. Endless lines are imprinted into your skin, the sensation dipping below and crawling under.

It’s the moment when he slips your fingers between yours that something clicks between you. When he lifts his head to look at you and suddenly the space between you grows incredibly small. He squeezes your hand in an affectionate way so you’re able to feel the heartbeat that buzzes trough his skin. They are warm and soft with the right amount of pressure not allowing yours to slip out.

The air between you is thin but scented with something sweet that lures you to him. His eyes are hooded and he looks down to your trembling lips burning to be touched. You squeeze back relishing the warmth they provide. Then he moves your interwoven hands to his chest and puts them where his heart is beating, wild and insecure.

There is something that pulls you to him, an unknown force that makes your body craving his warmth and the taste of his lips, shining from the vine. He brings his head up to meet your lips, closing his eyes and giving himself to you, desperate for your touch.

You take a small breath before you press your lips against his and get drunk from the vine still tasting on them. Soft and gentle, they press against yours burning with fever you’re desperate to feel. He pulls back a bit only to throw his arms around your neck and open his lips for you, allowing to taste the vine more mixed with his burning desire.

You part your lips and press them hard against his, losing yourself in the familiarity they provide. He moves them the exact way he used to, pecks you at the right places to take your breath away only to seal them again with a rich taste of himself.

You press your body and much as you can against him and you can feel the frantic heartbeat that matches yours. His fingers dip into your hair, ruining it, but you don’t mind. You know he will make a masterpiece out of it. They fist and move through your locks like he wants to make sure you’re not an imagination that will leave him empty and crazy for you.

He sinks back and pulls you with him, letting your body melt with his. Hips on hips, chest to chest - you are becoming one with your lips dancing a feverish dance of ex lovers igniting ashes of a fire once big.

You pull back slightly only to find his eyes wide and pupils taking up the whole space inviting you to ravish him with the lust that was awakened from its slumber.

‘’I missed you.’’ you whisper, your tone desperate and starving to be heard. ‘’I fucking missed you so much.’’ A breathy moan escapes your swollen lips as he runs his hands down your back only to settle on your hips.

‘’I know.’’ He whispers back, his lips touching yours while speaking. ‘’I missed you too.’’ He couldn’t even take a breath when you lunged forward and sealed his word with a kiss. He runs his tongue along your bottom lip, making your walls crumble down and slipping his tongue in your mouth where it meets yours in a lustful dance.

You can taste him, every molecule of his body. You can feel him, every move of his muscles, every trail that his fingers leave behind.

It’s intoxicating.

You part when you both crave the air that is gotten hotter between you. You look him in the eyes and lose yourself in the darkness of his pupils surrounded by a thin circle of pale blue waves. He breaths hard, eager to fill his lungs with your scent and so are you, panting back and sending hot breaths against his lips.

You know you can’t go further than this. This is still too fragile. You know that this kiss was different than the one you shared when he came back. This one provides something you’re scared of. Something that will maybe fix the broken things you both hold. It’s promising a warm feeling of closeness and shelter each one of you needs. Maybe it will heal old wounds or maybe it will only soothe them. This kiss opened a new page that waits to be written on. Maybe this story really isn’t over.

Maybe the story of Levi and Eren, two best friends who fell in love with each other, was meant to be told with a happy ending. You know you can’t place your hopes high but right now this kiss was all you needed. All it had to do to take the pain away. Maybe just a for little bit.

‘’Is this again a mistake?’’ he asks with a raspy voice that reminds you of too much things.

‘’I don’t want it to be.’’ You breathe out.

‘’Happy birthday.’’ You smile.

You peck him on the lips.

He pecks you back.

 

(…)

 

Early in the morning Levi woke up, touching his burning lips and still tasting Eren on his tongue. He washes the dishes with a small smile gracing his lips, still a little bit drunk from the vine. With wobbly legs he walks quietly down the hall with a bag of trash in his hands. He slips on his shoes and pulls his jacket over his shoulders to protect him from the cold. He stops when he opens the door.

There lies a bouquet of yellow tulips and a big envelope on his matt. Heart beating loudly he puts the bag down and picks up the bouquet to smell the flowers. He closes his eyes and smiles.

Shutting the door he shuffles back to the kitchen where he places the flowers on the counter and opens the envelope with shaking fingers.

He pulls out a sketch, clearly from him sleeping, and feels his eyes water. He knows the artist, knows the moment it was drawn by heart. His eyes stare at his sleeping figure and Levi is happy. Happy that Eren never lost the interest of sketching him. Somehow it makes him feel that Eren still cares and…

He flips the paper over and sees Eren’s handwriting at the back. It’s a message.

_Not friends, not enemies,_

_just some strangers with some_

_memories._

_Happy birthday_

_Love, Eren_


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last time I updated was at the beginning of December. I am so sorry for making you wait this long. My finals are over and here I am writing the new chapter I had in mind since... I don't know when?
> 
> It's late and I will come back tomorrow to just check this all out again and fix some mistakes, okay? I'm tired as hell. So please enjoy this chapter, things are getting heated and fuck shit's about to happen. My plot is finally beginning.
> 
> Love you, [your Prozac](http://prozacx.tumblr.com//)

Maybe it was the color of her scarf. Maybe it was the brightest light of the firework play. Maybe it was the richest caramel. Maybe it was her fault for kissing someone your heart didn’t belong to.

(…)

‘’Eren, c’mon don’t make me cry!’’ Sometimes you feel like talking to a puppy instead to your boss. ‘’Mike is going to be happy to see you,’’ there might be a pout on her face on the other line but you’re not quite sure. It’s Hanji you’re talking about and she must wear a devilish smile while acting like a hurt child just to lure you into the creepy van your mother always warned you about. Well, it’s not a creepy van it’s Hanji’s apartment but the comparison is quite good. ‘’Mike will be the only man there and he would really enjoy some male company.’’ She snickered at the end of the line and you just knew it is a trap.

‘’I’m sorry Hanji, I already have plans. Maybe next year?’’ you squint on one eye praying to God that she will let you go.

There is a dramatic sigh voicing Hanji’s defeated plan before she confesses her evil plan. ‘’Alright, you little shit’’ she mutters, clearly annoyed ‘’you got me this year. But don’t think you’ll get away next time!’’

A smile stretches across your face. Hanji is just adorable. Sometimes you ask yourself if she really is your boss or some crazy friend but in the end Hanji is both. She’s not that bad, you think with a smile, but she’s too energetic for your taste. Nonetheless, she is a good woman, warm and optimistic and her big heart for abandoned animals makes her like a makeshift mother for puppies no one wants to pet.

‘’Okay, I promise you I’ll come next year. Tell Mike to nurse the lonely time with tequila, that shit is awesome.’’

‘’Oh, he will be nursing something else, my dear…’’ And not to forget that this woman is a perv. Shame and Hanji never go hand in hand but with Hanji comes a big amount of detailed details of her amazing sex life you’re lacking for over a year now.

Fuck. You can’t believe it’s been almost a year since you were intimate with anyone. It’s strange that after all the fuss that was left behind Levi, you really didn’t feel any desire. You know he took a lot of things of you when he left and left you hollow and empty, just existing behind the curtains of the big house and echoing halls.

You close your eyes and remember his hands drawing lines over your shoulder blades and sinking his fire-lit fingertips into the feverish flesh of your body seeking for the wave to wash over the both of you. He always left trails of rich, open mouthed kisses on your shoulder only to dissipate into pecking the very tips of your fingers when he leads them to his face. And when he presses his chest to yours, arching into the burning body of yours with those loud but stuttering noises coming from his sinful mouth you were drowning into the depths of his melting skin and gasping into his sweaty neck.

You miss him close to you than anything else. And maybe it sounds silly but caving into his desire filled breaths and shaking hands is something you would do in an eye bat without thinking. Maybe it’s not that cowardish to come back to that heat of his cold skin to search for that wave to crash the both of your under its pleasurable weight.

But there is another fire that crawls under your skin when _she_ touches you. It doesn’t burn and melt, like it does when he eats you alive, but it’s keeping you warm from the biting winter in your collapsing chest. It’s radiating and vibrating, making you laugh and tremble with joy in the sweetest highs of her presence.

She’s waiting for you. After all, you owe her your attention after the little Christmas incident that left you still confused and crumbling with ease. Levi is hiding something and you’re afraid it’s the same thing you’re hiding from him…

(…)

Waiting for the new beginning leaves your toes curling into your boots and your fingers ghosting over your mouth pleading to be warmed up by your shaky, hot breath. She’s standing next to you, surrounded by hundreds of people who came to celebrate the New Year on the town’s square. Everything echoes with cheers and whistles and laughter…The scent of wine and beer fill your nostrils giving you a sweet drunken aura that makes you giggle and bump shoulders with her.

‘’Just to warn you,’’ she points a fingers at your chest ‘’I won’t drag your drunk ass home, you hear?’’ and maybe she is right. It’s not even midnight and you’re nursing your fourth beer. ‘’I’ll leave you in an alley and let the rats eat your face!’’

‘’As if you had the guts to do that.’’ You snort, looking to the side while puffing your chest out.

‘’Eren!’’ she smacks your shoulder. ‘’Stop being a jerk!’’ she can’t hide the amused voice with her angry frown. She’s too pretty for that.

‘’Then stop being a mom.’’ you laugh and nudge your beet to her lips. ‘’Okay, it’s almost midnight and you haven’t even tasted alcohol. Cmere.’’ You push the bottle to her red lipstick covered lips. She gives you a glare and tries to take a few steps back but you’re not gonna let her run away. Your arm sneaks around her waist and you pull her close to your body, laughing like an idiot, more like a drunk idiot, careful not to spill something on her coat.

‘’No- Eren! Stop!’’ She tries to wiggle herself out of your grasp but fails. Her arms are around your neck now and she’s looking at your face and oh no-

You know that look. You know those parted lips, glossy and full. You just know that expectation to be kissed and fall apart in someone’s arms in the dead of the night. The background noises of people having a good time, enjoying the last minutes of this year turn into a light murmur leaving space for your beating hard to echo in your head. She goes to her tips and plants a chaste kiss on your left cheek, leaving a confusing feeling of never ending expectations that only add to the weight of her riddle you haven’t still solved.

‘’Drink.’’ You smiled and she radiates the exact same at you before her small lips close around the bottle to take a sip.

‘’Shit! This tastes awful! Like piss!’’

‘’You never had a beer before?’’

‘’No!’’ she giggles and takes out a tissue to wipe away her lipstick.

‘’Don’t shit me?’’ you know she’s laughing at your face now.

‘’Yes, Eren Yaeger, I’m shitting you!’’ she shoves you awayplayfully and looks around for a bit, her eyes absorbing the colors and happy faces of people standing, passing by and dancing.

‘’Hey Eren?’’ she says with a sweet voice filled with amusement.

‘’What?’’

‘’Wanna dance?’’

You close your eyes and shake your head as if you’re trying to shake off the smile she always puts on your face. You gulp down the rest of your beer, throwing it into the garbage can so she can take your hands in hers and follow her dancing boots.

You twirl her and she pinches your cheeks when your faces get closer, just a breath away. She skips away with a half jump, half dance move to the music and chatter taking away your time breath. You don’t even notice the countdown when she pulls you by her side, both out of breath, looking up at the sky. A hand sneaks into you yours and you find it totally okay to squeeze those glove covered, thin fingers. You squeeze tighter with every second that’s close to the new beginning with her as the main act of this drama called your life.

When the number five greets your ears you are a bit sad for leaving him behind.

When it’s the number four, it’s almost a little bit hard to take a new breath.

At three she’s so close to you and he so far away.

Already by two she turns to you and her beaming smile reaches the tips of her blushing cheeks.

Maybe it wasn’t the scarf or the firework. Maybe it was the number one that pulled you to her sweet lips in a long awaited kiss.

Her taste is the only thing that lingers on your mind with the first minutes that tick by of a new year waiting to be lived. She is the new beginning and meeting her in your arms, rocking slowly to the cheers and singing is something your heart missed and longed for.

You smile into the kiss.

It hurts a little bit.

(…)

You get her drunk in the end. It’s funny to hear a new giggle coming from her mouth, it’s not the usual giggle she wears on her lips. It’s tipsy and childish and reminds you of your high school party times with your best friends.

‘’Hey- wait!’’ You jump to prevent her from falling face first into the floor while you unlock her door to take her to bed. ‘’What have I done?’’ You laugh to yourself when you hear her mumble something while twirling on her coat button.

Her words are a bit slurred and it’s hard to understand her but in the end you get her into bed where she falls asleep fast. You kiss her on the forehead, place a glass of water for the morning’s hangover she’ll definitely have and leave as quiet as you can.

Your lips are still burning and it tingles in a funny way. You still can’t understand what really happened but the slamming of your car door wakes you up. It’s almost four in the morning, you’re tired as hell but kind of happy. It was a nice night that left you a piece of something tasty and sweet and you can’t wait to try again.

Just before you buckle yourself up, you feel a light buzz in your coat pocket.

You’re not going to pick up. You’re not going to pick up. You’re not going to pick up.

The glass is cold when it touches your burning forehead. It fogs up from your shaky breath. Well, the past is a bitch. Not Karma, but the past. Karma comes when you do shit, but the past comes whenever it wants. It’s just there, lurking and waiting for the weakest moment.

And right now you’re fucked.

‘’Yes?’’ your voice is quiet. Your heart stopped beating for a moment.

‘’I don’t fuckhing care where you are, Eren… ‘s- I jus’ need you righ’ now and I hate m’self so muuuch…’’ there is a pause. You take a big breath in and breathe it out in a frustrating tone.

‘’You were righ’!’’ he slurs and there is something else tainting his voice. It’s faint but you can hear it.

He’s crying.

‘’I’m an asshole! ‘m fuckin’ bastard… Eren- Eren I fuckin’  hate m’self so much righ’ now. I-I-‘’

‘’Levi, open the door. I’m coming.’’

‘’I love you.’’

His last words are quiet, followed with a sniff and heavy silence afterwards. You don’t want to think about it but you just know that your heart broke a little. Why is he making this so hard for the both of you? It’s hard enough to figure this thing out you two have but he’s making it harder when he makes you want him even more than you should. When he makes you worry for him, care for him even though it’s not possible.

‘’Levi? Are still there?’’

‘’Yes.’’

‘’I’m coming, okay?’’

‘’ ’kay.’’

(…)

When the door opened it revealed a man with red eyes and a bottle of wine in his hands. His body trembled and chest jumped with every sniff that cut through the air. He stands there unmoving, looking up at you as if you were his savior. And maybe you are.

Silently, you take the bottle from his hands and place it on the floor next to your boots. You take your things off with him still standing there and looking at you. Sometimes a new tear slips down his flushed cheeks but you wipe it away with your thumb.

You take his hands in yours, they are trembling and cold, and slowly guide him to his bedroom. You stop here and there to turn off the TV and the kitchen light, leaving his living room in utter darkness and the heavy scent of expensive vine.

On your way you try not to trip over knocked over things. He must have had a rage episode but you push those thoughts away. The image of his messy apartment haunts your vision even in the dark but the warmth of his body keeps you walking forward. His breathing is now slow and quiet, maybe he isn’t that drunk than you have thought, but you know he knows what your plan is.

So, he grabs onto your sleeve when you lover him down onto his sheets. He holds your eyes with a pleading stare, begging you not to leave because he’s scared and he’s feeling so alone. You see a new tear marking a dark spot in his pillow and it just makes you fall to your knees and your hand push his bangs away.

‘’I’m not leaving, you hear me?’’ you try to mask your shaking voice with concern and warmth to make close his glossy eyes. ‘’I haven’t left back then.’’ You add and let a faint smile dance on your lips. You fingers are still drawing slow circled into his black hair, lulling him into sleep. ‘’You remember?’’ you ask softly, it’s almost a whisper.

To that, he opens his light blue eyes and locks them onto your tired ones. He doesn’t- can’t say anything but his stare makes your skin crawl into a state where it craves his warmth and the shape of his body.

‘’I could never forget that.’’ He whispers in raspy tone. He’s tired too.

You stand up and he follows every of your moves. The way you take your sweater off and neatly fold it because you know he likes it when clothes are folded. He silently watches you pulling off your jeans, leaving you in your underwear and a white T-shirt. It’s not like he’s never seen you like this but you still feel nervous under his gaze.

And just like that the memory of the night that changed it all comes to your eyes and you find yourself doing the exact things you did back then. You walked over to his bed, larger this time, and crawl inside his covers in the same manner as you did so many years before. He just lies there, sniffing in silence and waiting for the crash of your bodies. He lies there knowing that you will throw an arm around him and settle your forehead against the back of his skull, breathing quietly into his neck.

And you do as you remember.

He still feels the same when your body touches his. When your legs tangle into the same fashion where his feet are seeking for warmth because they are always cold. Where he curls up slightly into your chest knowing that your arm needs to drape over his waist and bring him close to you.

And it settles there, over the same spot where it had so many years ago. It’s warm and nice. You can feel his heart beat and the silent rise and fall of his chest. He is falling apart in your arms and you are here to cradle his tired bones and make the pain go away.

‘’Please don’t leave.’’ He pleads you with a timid tone in his voice.

‘’I’m here.’’ You whisper. You feel his hair against your lips.

He doesn’t say anything for a while but you can feel that he is still awake in your arms.

‘’How much did you drink?’’ You ask him quietly.

‘’Just that bottle.’’ It’s the one you left on the floor. ‘’I was at a friend’s party. I opened it when I came back.’’

You smile into his hair. It’s nice to know that he’s going out and spending some time with his friends.

‘’Go to sleep.’’ You say and pull the covers a bit higher over your bodies. He melts into your skin with the action.

‘’Thank you.’’

You’re still awake when the clock ticks after five in the morning. It’s his scent that keeps you awake. It’s still the same, fresh and light and it clings to your pores, marking your skin. Your fingers twitch suddenly when you catch yourself drifting off to sleep and in that moment they brush against something. His hands are warm now and so inviting. You hand have healed and are aching to held.

It’s so easy to let them slip between his. It’s easy when you’re half asleep and don’t know what your body does. Surprisingly, you find yourself not caring.

You don’t know if he’ll ever hear that again from you but right now, in this moment you allow yourself to repeat the past. It’s a new beginning and here you are making the same mistakes you did last year.

‘’I love you too.’’


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a sudden inspiration wave and I know the chapter is short but I feel like it's right.  
> Haha I can't believe I updated another chapter this fast xD  
> This chap it bittersweet so enjoy.
> 
> Thank you for reading. Lots of love and kisses!

He is beautiful. So unbelievably beautiful, within grasp but you can’t touch him. Not without tearing his skin open and painfully dig into his flesh and make him smile for you when he simply can’t. This man, lying there in front of you, with an ocean of porcelain your lips could drown into is the forbidden fruit your mouth wants to taste desperately but mind struggles not to give in. And you know, you just know too good that giving in will be toxic with no antidote in his eyes. If he falls he will pull you with him. You’re playing with fire that has once been extinguished and you know it will lick your flesh to ashes if you come too close.

But the flame is so warm.

You feel like a moth lured by a streetlamp’s light. It’s there, it radiates, pulsates and calls for your being. You are going to get burned. You know it’s meant to burn but staying away feel worse. Staying away feels cold and dark. You’d rather burn yourself than live in the cold. The only thing that maybe can ease the burn is that the end will be him.

It will always be him.

And it’s okay to burn and set yourself in flames because the flames lick at your fingers the moment you touch his cheek and travel up their fire path to his forehead. And it’s okay to be stung by his soft, inky strands you carefully tuck behind his ear to reveal this beauty.

Oh God, how beautiful he is.

How capable he is of destroying things he loves. How capable he is turning happiness into tragedy and yet makes the tragedy be the most beautiful thing consuming you. There are words that want to escape your mouth but you’re afraid they will wake him up. So you decide to repeat them over and over in your head, smiling sadly to yourself.

He’s never going to hear them.

His brows thin and arched into long paths that lead to his temples meant to be kissed by your lips rest relaxed above his closed eyes. Oh how you remember waking up to this; waking up to light blue oceans drowning you with their morning innocence and staring into your bones, flesh and soul.

You breathe as quiet as you can while your hand moves gracefully over his shoulder and down his arm resting on his hip. When you touch his knuckles his hands flinches for a moment but doesn’t move. He lays there so open, so vulnerable. He offered himself to your mercy, you’re pleased to do with him as you want and yet you can’t have him.

You squeeze your eyes shut it almost hurts. You ignore the pain in your chest that has become a normal thing whenever you touch him and let your fingers grasp his. Oh God, it burns. It burns so good. It burns to make you forget. It burns to make you cave in. It burns to make you forgive.

You don’t know how long you hold his hand and let your rapid heartbeats wake him up. You stare at your hands, pale and tan, that vowed to never let go. But you let him go. He let you go, too.

When you look up at his face the only thing you notice are the light blue oceans washing over your bones, flesh and soul. He stares at you with something you can’t recall to remember. You know you have seen this but like a word stuck on the tip of your tongue, you can’t make yourself to remember.

But you do know that he’s now squeezing back and holding on to your fingers for dear life. Also, you know how much he hates morning breath but he doesn’t move when you invade his personal space and press your dry lips against his.

It’s barely a kiss. Too chaste between enemies, too intimate between friends. But it feels the same as the first time you kissed him. Again there is a light scent of alcohol on his lips and again you stayed the night because he begged you not to leave.

And again you fall in love.

But this time he won’t know that.

What takes you off guard is that he’s prying your lips open in a bruising kiss. It’s thirsty and greedy and his arms lock themselves behind your neck, pulling you down. Down onto him. One year can change so much. One year can make you this thirsty. He exhales a sharp breath through his nose when you press your chest to him, making it hard for both of you to breathe. The bitter taste is long forgotten when he cards his fingers through your hair, begging you to stay there and consume what’s left of him. When a gasp leaves his lips because your hand presses hard against his side, he makes it so easy to slip your tongue into his mouth and taste his bitterness, his misery he can’t cure.

The dryness of his lips vanishes when your lips brush against them, leaving a sweet wetness he aches to taste. He moves slightly under you, lights your skin on fire. You press him down, beg him to stay still when it’s going to hurt in the end if he moves too much. But he ignores you by arching his back and taking your body’s innocence by tainting it with the first moan that leaves your lips.

_Your lips._

You pull away to breathe and he moans when you push your face into the crook of his neck where you ravish the skin there. He arches his neck and breathes out your name.

The hand in your hair tightens its grasp and the other slides down your back to the flesh of your ass where they painfully dig themselves into and pull your hips to his. You are losing your breath and your mind too. The heat is eating you both alive and if you continue like this you will burn completely to ashes. Oh God, it hurts to good.

Your swollen lips leave his flushed skin but you don’t lift your head up. And it’s like he understands too, like he suddenly remembers your situation. His grip on your hair lessens but it’s still there, now gently cradling your head. The other one travels up your back, giving you icy goose bumps until it’s resting on your shoulder.

‘’Eren?’’ he breathes out weakly. ‘’What are we doing?’’

You can’t bring yourself to look up.

Not when you are so vulnerable.

‘’I don’t know.’’ You answer quietly, careful not to let your lips touch his skin.

Both of your chests are still, the passion that licked at your lungs seems to wilt away once you’re both calming down from your high.

You lift your body up and lay beside him. You’re staring at his white ceiling and your throat feels dry. You lick your lips. You’re not surprised when he places his head on your shoulder and curls up against your body.

The sheets are so warm.

‘’I don’t know, Levi.’’ You say. ‘’But I like it.’’

‘’I don’t want to force you to do anything with me, Eren. I know you can’t trust me again but it just feels so good being with you. If you don’t want this, then I won’t force you.’’

Your hand rises and buries itself into his inky hair. His hand on your chest twitches.

‘’It’s just…whenever we are together I just feel like it’s right…everything I do with you, it just feels good. And I know we can’t go back to what we were but somehow I feel drawn to you. It’s making me crazy. I am constantly afraid that if I come to you too close you will hurt me again.’’

‘’I understand.’’ His voice is quiet against your chest. ‘’Eren, you have every right to be scared. And I know you will never forgive me for what I’ve done. Right now, I feel happy. Even if I can’t have you the way I want, I am happy to have you like this. I feel less miserable.’’

You lean your cheek against his head and close your eyes just to make sure no tears would try to run away. You sigh and a heavy pause stretches between your bodies. He doesn’t move from your chest and you have to admit that the pressure feels nice.

‘’I know you’re seeing someone else.’’ He whispers suddenly. You jolt. ‘’And even if it’s not me you will pick in the end, I am happy Eren. You don’t have to forgive me. But I am happy to know you don’t hate me.’’

You stay quiet because everything he said is true.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT HAS BEGUN.

Somewhere between coffee and Levi’s bad attempts of telling pointless jokes, both of you find yourself in your attic – he watches you paint while you’re trying not to bleed to death. His back touches the wall where he has a perfect view of your work and he enjoys the way your shoulders stretch over your back right in the place where the sun has a shadow play. You can feel his eyes on your form, they are marking up your skin where it’s exposed, they study the way the material stretches across your body and the way your arm dances while you’re creating your destruction.

You don’t even know what you’re painting. It’s something bright with colors that sting your eyes. There are sharp lines and blurred curves of something that only he can understand. If this would have been put on a gallery show, Levi would have been the only visitor. He just knows the meaning, knows why it’s being born on a quiet Sunday afternoon because he was there, right in your arms when the idea came and washed over your brain with the brightest light. He knows it’s you and him. Knows that it’s meant for you and him. But he also knows that he can’t have it.

‘’You should put blue there.’’ A finger appears from the right side of your face, pointing at something that indeed needs to be painted in blue but all you can focus is how heavy his arm feels against your shoulder or how luring his chest feels when its pressed to your back.

You smile because he always has something to add when he knows it’s already good. You don’t really know if he’s just taking this as a way to touch you or he has a good eye for right details. Accepting his advice is a normal routine when you paint. It’s just the way he thinks, almost like you when you create art. He just knows what you want. And need.

He retreats to the back and the heat of his body disappears too when he strides over to your messy desk with art supplies on it. You stop in your track and lower your paintbrush, eyes scanning his moves, the way his fingers organize your paintbrushes. You swear you hear him mutter something like: ‘’Still fucking messy.’’ And you can’t help feeling your lips stretch into a fond smile.

He’s always reorganizing your brushes. He bought you the cups they’re in and he used to clean them but now they’re covered in paint and dirty water smudges. He used to clean your brushes too, claiming that he needs to keep them clean because you’re too lazy to do that, otherwise they would only get damaged.

‘’Eren.’’ He turns to you and holds up a brush. Well, a very dirty brush. ‘’When was the last time you cleaned this shit?’’ he then crosses his arms over his chest, still holding the brush.

‘’It’s been a while.’’ You mumble trying to look as innocent as you can.

His stare still lingers on you for a moment until he sighs loudly and turns around, busying himself with sorting out the ones that can pass as clean and the ones that immediately need a bath.

You can’t help but laugh at the way he’s so concentrated, fingers skipping over your painting tools with precise motions. He’s still muttering under his breath. You know he’s cursing your name, your laziness, your lack of motivation and you enjoy it to the fullest. It’s moments like this that reminds you of how happy you once have been. How good the old days were. How much you loved him.

Suddenly, he stops and his body freezes for a moment. You furrow your brows and tilt your head to the side, wondering what is stopping him so abruptly.

‘’You’re shitting me…’’ he breathes out. It’s laced with a tone of surprised shock so you stand up to see what’s going on.

Beside him, you see him holding an all too familiar brush, old and dirty.

You can only smile.

It’s his brush. His old brush he used to paint in middle school. The same brush he gave to you so you could paint because Jean broke yours. The same that made you become best friends in the right place. The same brush you painted that sacred picture of him that haunts you in your dreams and makes you ache for it when you feel lonely. When you miss him.

‘’Oh my god.’’ He breathes out, the start of a smile tugging at his lips. ‘’I-I thought you tossed it away! Fuck, that’s my brush!’’ he looks up and meets your emerald eyes. The emotion you see in his blue ones make your chest tighten with sweet pain lingering there for a moment. Your heart has gone crazy with the way he’s smiling at you – the same as day one of your friendship. It’s childish and blunt and it carries something that shows how much he appreciates the fact that after all the years it’s still there.

‘’Turn it around.’’ You say in a soft voice and watch him light up in euphoria. Right there, under the number of the brush stand two letters carved in carefully.

_L & E_

‘’Oh my god.’’ He breathes out. His grip on the brush tightens. ‘’I can’t fucking believe you kept this for fifteen years…I fucking-‘’

His chest is shaking - you can see it through his shirt. His eyes are pleading, not believing.

This fucking brush started it all.

And you kept it because you knew he was your mate, your best friend. He was meant to be. It reminds you of him every time you take it between your fingers. It inspires you when he isn’t there, in the same way he would with his arms around your neck. This brush means too much to be tossed away and doing so would erase the beginning of your book, an endless story with chapters continuing even though the end seems to be near. It can’t be used anymore but it’s still creating wonders that maybe can cure broken hearts.

‘’Wait.’’ He turns around and searches through your desk, trying to find something in the mess. You’re curious of what he has in mind. You are perfectly sure that whatever eats his soul away right now is going to be marvelous. A masterpiece.

Your eyes widen when you see him dipping the item into blue paint and bringing it to his lips. Your heart slams harder with each stroke he makes on his lips, your chest crumbles down with every gap he fills with blue. He’s painting his lips with a trembling hand, imprints something you know will explode when touched. You know everything he’s about to do and you want I too.

When his lips turn a rich blue color he dips the brush into a cup filled with water and you observe how the thin, blue lines swirl to the ground and disappear. Next, his hand cups your chin with a soft touch, tilting it to a right angle where he can unravel you to your bones.

Red liquid marks your lips, bruising and bright it imprints the sin you’re both committing. The strokes feel gentle like his hand that holds your head still so you close your eyes and wait for the artist to finish his painting.

When the brush withdraws from your burning mouth you see him putting the brush away.

The hand holding your chin slides over your jaw, you can feel fingers gliding on your neck until they are nestled in your brown locks, holding you there. His other one follows the same path, both of them locked behind your neck in a gentle but secure hold.

Invading his personal space, you cup his cheeks in a bruising motion and clash the red onto his blue, devouring the color and consuming the softness of his desire. He lets you push him up against a wall, urging you to melt into him with the way his body opens up to yours. His tongue smudges the blue over your lower red stained lip and slips in with a heavy hotness that makes you pant and lose your breath.

And while the both of you are ruining each other and a toxic purple covers both of your lips, the fate of two broken lovers paints a forbidden masterpiece that will destroy the both of you. It’s too perfect to be able to live, promising and faking love that will poison your hearts with eternal longing for the hearts you both can’t have nor give.

You only feel the heat of his purple lips, the constrictions of his chest and the shape of his body clinging to yours. He’s breathing so hard, touching you with bruising tenderness, needing to have you.

Once the red and blue vanished and a rich purple stained your lips, the dance starts to slow down turning into soft pecks placed on the corners of your lips or the center of your lower lips. With the last one shared you part and open your eyes to the show in front of you. He’s standing there a breath away, shaking and trembling, needing to be loved and getting lost into your eyes.

He’s falling.

And you’re falling with him.

‘’I love you.’’

A breath escapes your lips caring those words into the silence of your attic. He’s struggling to keep up, he’s falling apart. So your hands cradle his heavy head so he can’t fall, can’t drown in the emotions he’s swimming against.

You lean your forehead onto his noting how the skin there feels hot. Tired, you close your eyes.

‘’Eren.’’ Two thumbs smudge the purple over your cheeks. The stains burn too good. ’’I love you too. _I always will._ ’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this chapter is short but I'm happy it's finally out. Pheeew, I'm kinda tired.
> 
> Soooo... this where the mess is starting. Prepare yourself. It's gonna be a wild ride. 
> 
> THANK YOU FOR BEARING WITH ME! I LOVE YOU ALL! <3<3<3
> 
> [prozacx on tumblr](http://prozacx.tumblr.com//)


	15. Chapter 15

_The cheated one becomes the cheater._

 

It’s the first time you taste the bitter liquid of unfaithful fruits hanging above your head. Juices run down your chin, drip onto your chest and fill up the black hole that still makes you ache and starve for love.

You’re starving and starving and starving.

You can’t satisfy your hunger – it’s settled too deep in your bones, it calls with every motion of your limbs, with every dry gulp down your burning throat.  You want more, you take and take and take with no conscience left in your head, you don’t see the damage in those beautiful caramel colored eyes looking up at you as if you’re the sky, the whole universe. You want it all and you take everything those soft, tender lips offer you. You leave them dry and destroyed when your greedy ones brush over them in a lusting haze of starvation.

She’s gripping your shirt and dying with each kiss you take from her with her heart on her sleeve. She’s sacrificing herself for your selfishness that eats you away at night, not letting you close your eyes. Gasps follow, needy for the air between you. Her lips are already bruising with that fire that will ravish her until becomes the same as you.

_What have you done?_

Your hands placed on her waist are shaking. It’s too late to come back. Levi infected you and now you’re paying the price. You’re falling deeper and deeper into that net of unfaithful lovers starving to eat you alive and consume the last bits of morality from your eyes.

You are dying.

You are going insane.

It scares you that every kiss you plant on her innocent mouth doesn’t bother you. There is no voice in your head left to tell you what you’re doing is a sick game. All your voices are screaming his name.

Levi. Levi. Levi.

The kiss grows hungrier when his name echoes deeper into your core. You hate him more and more with every touch she plants on your face, you despise him more and more with every shaking breath that leaves her purifying mouth.

Levi. Levi. Levi.

‘’Eren…’’

Eren. Eren. Eren.

She sits on your lap and swallows your heated breaths that rot in the space between your lips. Her voice echoes high in the air until they reach your ears. The tone they carry is needy, desperate, _loving._

Just what you need.

‘’Eren…’’ she begins again and draws a bit back where she looks you in the eyes, no, into your soul. ‘’Please, don’t come back to him.’’

 

_A lot happened._

After the brush scene in your attic, two weeks passed and Levi and you haven’t spoken a word to each other.  You didn’t even see him nor did he try to call you.  And it seemed like your hands didn’t want to remember his number too. You just stopped talking.

The first week you felt uneasy. Wondering that maybe you did something wrong kept you awake for long at night but after day four you came to realize that you have to stop blaming yourself. Both of you knew what you were committing, you knew the consequences surfacing after you withdrew from each other and muttered those words.

Fake words.

They were everything but honest.

Desperate. Lusting. Loathing. Lying.

They were everything but true.

And that’s why you will always come and go, leave and stay.

Love is something you lost long ago.

 

What you and Levi have is _not_ love.

 

Surprisingly, you didn’t cry. Maybe because you’re tired of repeating the same mistake and wasting your energy on trying to fix impossible things. Maybe because there is no reason to cry. There really isn’t.

Levi doesn’t love you.

You don’t love him.

Your love has turned into a viscose mass that sticks to your skin and won’t come off. Toxic and acidic, it eats away your hearts. It faded into the wind and God knows where it is now. Between galaxies? Under other lovers skin? Within the clouds that carry rain?

It’s lost and free. And it will never come back.

Your chest felt heavy when you sat alone at your kitchen table and stared at the last pack of cigarettes. One last left there you thought about, deep and precise, if you should toss it into the garbage or smoke it to the end.

After day six you realized that the bags under your eyes were looking ugly and that you still needed to get rid of that last cigarette.

After day seven she came by burned all his fingerprints left on your skin. Erased his scent lingering around your neck.  And you told her everything. And she gave you everything. And you took everything.

And now it’s been days and she hasn’t left your house and somehow the sun peered more between the curtains and planted soft smiles on your tired lips. And somehow the cold that lingered in your hallway got replaced by her black Chelsea boots tossed carefree next to yours. And somehow your paintbrushes got messier but created a masterpiece without blue in it.

You became a monster and yet she accepted you with wide arms and soothed the calloused skin where it hurt the most. Looking up at her, wearing your shirt planted a new hope, still small, but powerful enough to grow into something big.

It is true when they say that you need to get rid of toxic people. Whether it was a long friendship, special love or simple purple paint – sometimes friends turn to strangers, sometimes hearts break and sometimes purple colors fade.

It’s hard.

But you need space for things that will fill this gaping, black hole. Satisfy your hunger. Un-break this heart. You need a different shade of color in the eyes you look into. You need a different texture of the locks that glide through your fingers.

Sometimes you need someone who’s name is not Levi.

But…

You are still scared of what might happen if you crossed your paths again. The infection that boils deep within you veins still thirsts for his mouth and hands. You are scared of yourself and the feeling that you might not care if he broke your heart again or woke up in your arms.

When you actually think about it there is one thing you lied about.

You do love him.

But not in that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once in my life I updated something like a normal writer should. I can't believe myself. Haha
> 
> And? What do you think?
> 
> This is a fucking mess and I hope you will understand my plot. Like I said, I'm not good at dialogues so I hope this chapter hasn't confused you or anything. Pheeew shit has just started. Believe me it's gonna get worse.
> 
> Next chapter is Hanji's wedding! Ooooh that one will be funny to write. And it will take me months hahaha T_T
> 
> Thank you for reading! <3
> 
> Your, [Prozac](http://prozacx.tumblr.com/)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst writer. Sorry.

Your throat feels tight when you adjust the black fly around your neck. Today is Hanji’s wedding and yet you feel as if you’re going to a funeral. It’s hard to explain when your chest feels tight, with someone on your mind and an impossible dream to come true.

You don’t dare to admit that you wished so hard to adjust his fly in front of the mirror right after he fixed yours.

The ringing of your phone cuts you out of your thoughts.

It’s Hanji.

You pick up and her upset voice makes your head hurt.

‘’Eren! Oh thank God you picked up! I really, really, really need you to do me a favor! Say please, please, please!’’

‘’What’s wrong, Hanji? Are you alright?!’’

‘’I am…just listen, please. My dad who is supposed to walk me down the aisle got stuck in traffic. He’s not gonna make it on time, so please, please, please can you jump in for him? He really can’t make it and I can’t delay the wedding ceremony! Please, help me.’’

A moment of silence greets both of your ends. Your breath is stuck in your throat with an answer but it won’t come out. Honestly, you don’t want to do it. Somehow you feel out of place like you don’t belong there and yet you utter the words you didn’t want to tell only to make her happy. It’s always been like that – you shut yourself down in order to make someone lese happy.

It’s sad.

‘’Okay, I’ll do it.’’ She doesn’t notice the heavy, tired like sigh that escapes your lips. There is so much to say but right now the silence you choose only makes you drown deeper in your lies.

 

(…)

 

People cheer and laugh. Children run and fall, only to stand up and run off chasing the other kids in front of the church. There you are – standing by the church waiting for Hanji to arrive so you can walk her to the altar right into Mike’s awaiting arms. Your fingers tremble, not from the excitement or nervousness. They ache for smoke to calm them down and smother the sweaty skin of your palms.  You really don’t want to be here.

As the people slowly disappear into the church, your figure still stands by the corner, lonely and waiting for those people who don’t matter much in your life. You like Hanji, she’s an awesome boss and a good and caring person. But somehow, in all that fuss and hurry, you just feel left out. Like a stranger. It’s like they cut you out of a black and white movie and put you into a colorful cartoon.

The feeling you get is strange. It’s almost like being forgotten?

A white car stops in front of the church and you notice Hanji climbing out of the car with a pearly white smile that could end wars and in a beautiful, breathtaking dress. Mike must be a very lucky man, you realize. Hanji can be annoying and loud and clumsy but in that moment you swear she was the most beautiful person you ever saw and you couldn’t help the smile that warmed your cheeks as she slowly approached you, took your hand and whispered thank you.

Hanji is simply a wonderful person.

‘’Ready?’’ you smile as she takes a big and nervous breath.

‘’Fuck me, I can’t do this, Eren.’’ She has her eyes squeezed shut and you can feel her fingers tremble as they grip your sleeve tight, like a lost child.

‘’Hey,’’ she opens her eyes and slowly looks into yours and there is a warm blush to her cheeks and her eyes have this strange glimmer like she’s about to cry. ‘’Listen to me. Everything will be alright. You hear me? There is no reason to be scared, Hanji. There is a man, a wonderful and amazing man waiting for you, ready to share his life with you and spend it by your side forever.’’ You take her cheeks into your hands. ‘’I have seen you getting into adventures hundred times wilder and now you want to tell me that you’re scared of a wedding? C’mon, where is the wild Hanji?’’ She giggles and looks away, shyly.

‘’Eren, I hate you so much.’’ She laughs and suddenly you’re pulled into the biggest hug ever. ‘’Thank you so much.’’ She whispers into your ear. ‘’I don’t know how to thank you. You saved my life. I just wish you could be happy again.’’

When you part, you realize there is no need to tell anything more. You just nod and take her hand and slowly walk her to the door. It’s her time to shine. Hopefully, there will be one for you too.

With the bliss and heart pounding, the excitement and joy you feel as you walk her to the altar and all the people look at you and her, there is a feeling you can’t shake off somehow. Like you’re being watched. Like pale blue eyes stab into your form and spread a wildfire in your heart.

Pale blue.

There are just a few steps you need to take and yet you want to turn away and run. You see them, clear and pale and so breathtakingly blue, staring into you, not quite believing and you wish to run away. Far away from those eyes belonging to Hanji’s best man.

You come to a stop and Levi watches you with those eyes that glue you to the spot. Mike has already taken Hanji’s hand but still you can’t move. He has you right there where he can crush you and he knows you will let him.

Finally, you take your place and you look up seeing Levi still watching you. Your heart pounds like you ran a mile, your hands start to shake and your throat feels dry.The people around you are listening to the ceremony while your fucked up mind forces you to think what would have been if Levi was in Mike’s place and you…

Suddenly, you hear clapping, Hanji and Mike are kissing and again there are those pale blue eyes haunting you. Claiming you and devouring you. A shiver runs down your spine. This wedding will be a disaster.

(…)

The wine you taste is too sweet but still good enough to get you drunk. Not too drunk but able to make decisions you will regret later. The music is good, people are dancing and cheering. Mike has Hanji tight in his embrace as they dance with the people on the podium. The table where you sit is empty, all of the people sitting there with you are dancing or out in the garden to enjoy the fresh night.

There is a tap on your shoulder.

‘’It’s not prom night. Stop looking like a fucking loser.’’ You know who this voice belongs to. Your heart starts to beat a bit quicker.

‘’The only difference is the wine. Makes me look like an artist who searches for inspiration in the crowd.’’ You take a sip and the sweet taste makes you cringe.

He looks at you with a fond expression. There is a glass of wine in his left hand too.

He snorts. ‘’You wanna dance?’’

Putting away your glass of wine, you look up and find him smiling softly at you. ‘’You know I suck at dancing.’’

‘’You’re drunk. Everybody can dance when they’re drunk.’’

‘’I’ll just make a fool out of me.’’ You shake your head. Levi can be stubborn at times.

‘’Okay,’’ he says and sits down next to you, his head tilted playfully by the side. ‘’here’s the deal : you dance with me and I promise you you won’t look like a fool next to me.’’

And this is what you always loved about him. The way he encouraged you to do things you didn’t dare, the way he assured you that even if you two end up as fools in his eyes you won’t. The way he pushed your limits and made you fall right into his arms. And the worst part is that he will always get you.

You cover your heated face with your hands, feeling like a high school girl being asked out by her crush. One dance won’t hurt. ‘’Okay, but I warned you.’’

‘’Eren I know you my whole life, I know what I’m getting into.’’

‘’I know.’’ You whisper as he takes your hand and leads you to the center of the dance floor. A slow song plays in the background but all you can feel and focus is the warm feeling of his body pressed close to yours. His hand that is curling itself around your waist, holding tight. His feet that are moving perfectly in sync with yours. And his breath that ghosts on your neck where your pulse runs like a wild river.

Your fingers dig into his suit as you let the fire of his body burn your skin beneath. His hair tickles your cheek. It’s soft. You let yourself be consumed by this man who after all still means so much to you. And it pains you that after everything the close bond you share is so strong. You rather wish you never spoke to each other again. Like this, it’s just a game where you play with fire. You both will get burned in the end.

‘’See, you don’t dance like a fool.’’ Even with the loud music you can still hear him clearly.

‘’It’s the wine.’’ You smile into his hair and maybe pull him a bit closer.

‘’Wine was always your weak spot.’’ You can feel his arms moving up your back, interlocking themselves behind your neck. He has you in a death grip.

‘’I have one more weak spot.’’ You whisper as you look into those pale blue eyes. This isn’t you talking. It’s the wine.

‘’Care to tell me?’’ his eyes are hooded and you see him licking his bottom lip.

‘’It’s a secret.’’

‘’I’m your best friend. You can tell me everything.’’ You notice his face getting closer and closer. The electricity between you buzzes through your entire body.

‘’It’s you.’’

Inches apart, he stares into your eyes, devouring you with his blown, black pupils. He leans in closer and you notice his hot and moist lips next to your ear.

‘’Fuck, Eren.’’ He breathes softly.

He pulls you tighter and the way his body arches into yours makes your skin vibrate. You want more.

‘’Let’s get the fuck out of here. I don’t fucking care if I’m the best man. Hell, I want to devour you. Eren, I-‘’

‘’Okay.’’ You whisper with your breath hitched high. You feel too hot, too dizzy and too drunk to care that this man broke your heart and maybe will do it again tonight. ‘’Let’s get lost.’’

When he takes your hand and intertwines your finger it’s like you’re living high school again. Nothing changed about his tight but affectionate grip, not even the way his fingers glided smoothly against yours. He pulls you through the mass of dancing people and you’re both sixteen again. He looks back and finds your eyes and there is that youthful glimmer in his eyes that say ‘’hey, we’re about todo some fucked up shit, fuck the world’’ and he knows your eyes will always shine with approval. Green and blue and grey and pale palettes of wanting each other in so many ways is what carries your legs to your car where he smashes his wine stained lips against yours before you could open the door for him.

Your hands find their way into his beautiful hair where they hold his head tenderly like he’s made of glass. He has you pressed against the door of your car with no space to escape, not even to breathe, while he claims your red and puffy lips in a kiss that is forbidden for two broken lovers.

With a trembling hand you open the door and somehow manage to get him in but Levi seems to not care and pulls you by your collar for one rich and hurtful kiss that leaves fire behind your lips.

The drive is messy but silent. His hands wander all over your legs, his lips reach over to kiss the skin of your neck. Even when you laugh and try to scold him he always finds a way to shut you up with a teasing touch or sinful and promising words. Fuck, you missed this too much.

You missed those forbidden touches, the way his fingertips melted the skin underneath them, leaving nothing but destruction and lusting for more. You missed the way his body would arch and fit perfectly against yours, the way his arms would curve around your shoulders, neck or waist while holding tight. Lord, the most what you’ve missed were those breathy moans, nothing but utter pleasure leaving his plump lips. Little groans, hardly audible but still so loud in your ears making you go crazy.

It’s comical the way you climb out of your car and rush drunkenly to your door. You’re in in matter of seconds and he already has your lips claimed by his. The wall feels hard against your back as he presses your body against it, trying to get under your skin.

The hallway echoes with loud kisses to collarbones, playful bites to dry throats and wandering hands making noise while taking your clothes off. His back hits your soft sheets, both of you almost naked, and you can’t help but hover over his form and take in the pale canvas that used to be your favorite work of art.

His chest is rising rapidly up and down with every ragged breath and you notice purple marks on his skin. You smirk and dive down to lick a sinful stripe from his collarbone to his jawline. He trembles and lets his arms fall above his head. So inviting and beautiful he lays there and begs you to eat him, destroy him and make him yours. Again.

Your hands slide over his sides, feeling the hard but hot skin moving under your touch. You cup his face and kiss him fully on the lips. You both moan at the touch and then he has you under him, turning over the game in seconds.

His lips burn a path down your neck, leaving only fire behind.  He kisses down your stomach, where he bites the arch of your ribcage. He licks your hipbones and breathes in the skin that falls apart under his lips.

‘’Levi-‘’ you moan when you feel his fingers taking off your underwear. God, you missed this too much. A choked moan fills your empty bedroom when his lips kiss your hot shaft - it’s like waves are crushing you and taking you apart with their pleasure. His tongue licks a sinful path to your head, licking the precum. And then he has you all in his mouth and the heat and wetness makes you cover your eyes with your arm.

Breathing hard, you can only focus on him. The heat. The wetness. The way his tongue played such dirty game bringing you closer to the edge.  Your heart feels like it might break. Not from pain but from this pleasure and affection that rushes in your pulsating veins.

‘’Oh, God.’’ You whisper and it’s broken and ragged. And when he looks up with those haunting pale blue eyes you break. Break into a white heat that burns your whole body, crumbles into your core and destroys you with sweet, sweet pleasure. And he takes it all, swallows every drop of you but never breaks that haunting gaze that makes your skin shiver.

He crawls up your shaking body, let’s his forehead fall onto yours and continues to eat you up with his blown pupils. You’re drowning in their blackness. He inhales every shuddering breath that leaves your extasy-filled lunges.

‘’God, I missed this. Wrecking you. You wrecking me.’’ His breathing is uneven and it’s a silent invitation to claim his body and destroy it in the same way he destroyed yours. This is a battlefield and both of you are enemies. There must be blood.

Silently, you turn him over with a kiss that lingers too much than needed. He doesn’t let go, so he deepens it into a level that is fragile. It belongs into a territory that will hurt if touched but at the moment none of you seem to care.

His neck blossoms with purple and red marks, beautiful and scary at the same time. He is your masterpiece and you will do as you please with it. You will paint him in colors that won’t fade a lifetime. They will always be a reminder that whoever happens to be his one and only will never have him to the fullest. There will always be this one part of him that will belong to you. And no one could claim that part. The artist always gets the final piece. The artist wants it all.

Moaning and shaking, he opens his soul to your lips to touch when you kiss down his body, worshipping every inch like you’re in love. This isn’t love, you repeat in your head. This is just mourning. Mourning over those fading memories and things that will never be the same. You know this is in vain. When the pleasure fades away and you both find yourself naked in each other’s arms, you will both realize that you are just strangers to each other. Strangers who lust for something they will never find.

When you take him into your mouth and he falls apart, you can’t help the memories that flood your mind. With each moan and groan he brings you closer and closer to the vivid picture that used to be the two of you.

He comes with the most beautiful version of your name on his lips.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short but I hope you'll enjoy it. I love you. <3

_Nothing’s gonna hurt me with my eyes shut._

But the morning sun hurts your tired eyelids. It’s bright and dark at the same time. You want to wake up but the slumber hidden behind your eyelids still tempts you to return to your empty dreams. You notice his warm arm draped over your waist and his weak breath on your shoulder blades. It’s tempting and yet so repulsive. It feels so familiar, the skin of a stranger.

His fingers are touching your open palm and you open your tired eyes to that sensation. The contact is minimal, his fingertips are barely touching your hand, but you feel it to the fullest – the bond of his skin with yours, the burning hotness that spreads onto you. You don’t dare to move. You’re afraid he could pull you closer, hold you tighter, press his face into your back. And all of that makes it so hard to let go.

You burn holes into his hand while you’re staring at those pale digits. They don’t belong there, so close to yours. Hands never forget the feeling of another person’s hands. Yours know that if he moves his fingers along your palm that your fingers will ache and reach out to fill the gaps between his.

The morning sun is still blinding your sight but still your eyes remain open, watching his heavy arm melting into your side. You follow the pale blue veins that run under his skin like wild rivers, the constellation of those fine hairs that cover his upper arm. You notice a few small moles you never noticed before. And all of them lead to his hand – begging to be held.

This slight shaking of your breath, the heavy heart beat messing up with your chest tells you it’s still there. You can’t count the memories that looked just like that: both of you tangled in sheets, your naked bodies stealing each other’s warmth with lips sore from kissing.

This one tastes and feels the same.

And maybe if you close your eyes again, shut them really tight and take his hand into yours – you will be able to live that memory again. Taste its sweetness. Feel the vibrations of the vivid sounds only heard by you two. See those colors, pale and bright dancing across dark and light, body and soul.

Maybe if you close your eyes you can pretend to be in love with him.

His hand is light when you take it into yours. Always cold as far as you can remember, his fingers fit perfectly between yours. In that moment you don’t think. It’s only him and you, those things left unfinished, words unsaid, moments to count. In that moment if feels like something between you finally feels right. Like, when you close your eyes and focus on his body behind yours, something tells you that he belongs there as absurd as it sounds.

The grip on his hand tightens as you pull his hand towards your chest, your heart.

‘ _’Can you feel it how it’s racing? Can you? When you touch me like that?_ ’’ you scream into the empty corners of your mind. ‘ _’Can you feel how it’s still beating for you, even though it’s battered and broken_?’’

In the middle of your screaming you feel those, now warmer, fingers splay on your chest, right above your heart.

A kiss is being pressed onto your right shoulder blade. It makes your heart go furious.

His body shifts. The rustling of the sheets echoes loudly in your room.

You turn around, right into his arms.

‘’Levi, please stay.’’

 

(…)

‘’What are you doing?’’ you hear Levi’s voice from the doorstep. He watches you with amusement in his eyes and there is a small smile playing on his lips and pulling them more upwards the more he watches you.

‘’I’m searching for my cigarettes. I think I have some left but I can’t find them.’’ You search in every ladder in your kitchen, shuffling through stuff that should have ended up in the trash long time ago.  A sigh escapes your lips - there are no cigarettes.

‘’Wait.’’ He says and you stop in your tracks. He turns around and walks down the hallway. ‘’I think I have a pack in my jacket. Wait a second.’’ He disappears into your bedroom and seconds later comes out holding his jacket. He searches his pockets and finally finds the pack.

‘’Here.’’ He tosses it to you and you catch it in mid-air. ‘’You can have it. I decided to stop smoking.’’ He comes closer to you and sits down onto one of your stools. It’s so familiar. You smile.

‘’Why?’’ you ask him, curiosity in your voice. You take one out and notice that there are two left.

‘’I just…don’t feel like it anymore.’’ He plays with his fingers on the table. You can’t see his eyes. And something in your gut tells you that the main reason is you. You try to swallow that thought down but it’s stuck. Just like you story. With nowhere to go and nowhere to stay.

You light the cigarette and watch the smoke lift up to the ceiling.

‘’I feel like…’’ you start. He looks up and watches you inhale and exhale the thick cloud of smoke. ‘’I feel like I can smoke the whole thing.’’ You chuckle as you fix your gaze on the burning stick between your fingers.

‘’Eren Jaeger is that you?’’ his smile is big. Just like his eyes. ‘’The Eren I know could never smoke one shitty cigarette. That brat is too weak.’’

‘’Wanna bet I can finish that whole thing?’’

He looks at you with an amused look meaning the challenge is accepted. ‘’Okay. I bet you can’t smoke it till the end.’’ He leans his head against the wall.

‘’Well, let’s find out.’’ You give him a big, wicked smile. ‘’The winner gets what he wants, okay?’’

‘’Okay.’’

His gaze follows your fingers holding the cigarette to your lips. You have a feeling that they are stuck on your lips more than the cigarette but you ignore the feeling. Inhale after exhale, nothing but silence and two former lovers. The world stops. Your heart not. He watches you when you put it out, just the filter left in the ashtray.

‘’See?’’ you smile.

‘’Not bad. I’m impressed.’’ He crosses his arms over his chest. ‘’So what do you want?’’

You watch him for a moment before you whisper  ‘’Come here.’’ It’s hardly audible but you know he heard you.

The stool scraping against your wooden floor echoes in the kitchen. He slowly makes his way to you, stopping just a breath away.

‘’What do you want?’’ he repeats in a whisper and you can feel his breath hitting your lips.

He makes you shake. Makes you scared of breaking this eye contact. Makes you scared to touch him.

‘’A kiss.’’

And the worst is that you know he will give you everything you want. It’s almost scary to know that.

So, he gives the only thing he can give to you.

His lips press into yours slowly and tender - you feel like you’re about to _die._


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am! College started, actually I started my third year so I've been pretty busy running around. :D  
> Here is chap 18 and I hope you will like it and get it in the end what's it actually about.  
> Umm... this story will probably have two more chapters, maybe three? so i'm still not sure how to end it.   
> Anyways I am so happy that you are sticking around with me and are super patient bc i am a little pice of lazy shit. 
> 
> Please enjoy! <3<3<3

_The truth doesn’t hurt. It kills._

It kills the shine in her caramel brown eyes, the life they held when they looked at you. Betrayal. Nothing but betrayal swirls in her autumn colored orbs and a wave of fresh tears spill over her under lashes, pulling a faint track of greyish mascara down her cheeks.

Your heart is about to break.

What have you done? Why does this feel like it shouldn’t have happened? Why does it feel so wrong?

You take a step forward and she takes a step back. Her beautiful lips are trembling, you wish to kiss them. Her eyes are wide, filled with hurt and something like agony. She almost looks scared but deep down you know she isn’t. She is too strong to let the truth break her. Too strong to let a monster destroy her heart.

More tears are spilling down her cheeks. They paint themselves down her skin, her canvas and you are the painter. In that moment, when you feel your heart twist and break in your throat you realize that everything you thought, everything you wanted to believe was right – ended up being wrong.

Thinking that you chose the right way, you got lost on a track with no coming back. And in front of you stands that tall, pale blue colored wall staring right back at you. Haunting you. Ending your way home.

‘’Am I not enough?’’ she whispers. ‘’Why wasn’t I not enough?’’

And with every single second that you stand in front of that wonderful girl that never deserved a piece of shit like you, all you see is a repetition of your very self. There in front of you stands Eren. Hopeless. Alone. Heart broken.

And as much as you are scared to think about it, you know that right now you are Levi.

Your skin itches.

You don’t want to be _him_.

But you are.

‘’I’m so sorry.’’ You choke out. ‘’I- I am a mess. I told you that. I am a…. monster.’’ Before you can even finish the sentence, a tear, big and ugly, runs down your pale face.

‘’How long?’’ she asks, her voice weak. Defeated.

You feel so ashamed. So small. You feel so wrong, unwelcomed, you can’t believe that this is happening to you. Tongue feeling like lead, you utter those words choking your throat.

‘’I don’t know. I think since Christmas.’’ You cast your eyes at her carpet. The memory of that night hits you like a punch in the chest, making it hard to breathe.

A sob escapes her lips. She’s shaking now with tears streaming down her face.

You are too ashamed to look up. This is what you made her into. A broken hearted soul, the same one you were once, having her hopes dying, her dreams falling apart. Her life crumbling down.

‘’You’re such a piece of shit.’’ She chokes those words out. Every single one hurts like a bitch. ‘’I can’t believe I thought you were the one. I can’t believe I fell for you!’’ you look up and see her staring right back at you. Anger fills her eyes now and she takes a step forward.

You take a step back.

‘’How dare you?’’ she spits. ‘’How dare you act like you cared? Like you actually give a damn about me?’’

Nothing comes out of your mouth.

The truth doesn’t hurt. It kills.

It kills you right in front of her unforgiving eyes. And you deserve it.

She sits down onto her couch, shoulders slumped and her frame looking so small. ‘’I tried to ignore it, you know. I always had a feeling like you weren’t fully there when you were with me. I tried to blame it on your past relationship but somehow that feeling never faded. I just knew that as much as I tried to get deeper into you, I would always end up stuck. I knew that there was never me. It was him, right?’’ she looks up and watches you for a short moment.

‘’You’re in love with him.’’ A sad smile stretches on her lips. ‘’And you know… I am in love with you.

I’m sorry for calling you a piece of shit. I am angry and hurt and a little bit lost. Right now I can’t look at your face without hating you, you know? And I know I will survive this, this will all fade but why didn’t you just tell me? Spare me this pain.’’

You take a breath and look into her clouded eyes.

‘’I thought I would move on. I thought that I would forget him. But somehow he is always there. I tried it… tried it so hard to get him out of me, but I realized that I was beyond addicted. That it was too late.

I am so sorry. I can’t tell you how much this pains me, how much this hurts me for hurting you. I feel terrible. I feel lost. Stuck, if I can say. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do since the day he left me. ‘’

‘’Eren?’’ you hear her quiet voice echoing.

‘’Yes?’’

‘’Come here.’’

Slowly you drag your feet towards her and notice that every step makes you smaller, makes you hurt more and more. She wraps her arms around your body, pulling you towards her warm embrace.

‘’I know that you are lost. But Eren, I beg you, please let it go. Let go of him. Let go of me. Make peace with your life. Let go of this town. Of your memories. Because you will only stay in your own way. We are both thirsty for love we can’t get and that’s okay. It’s okay because we all need love and search for it. Also, it’s okay to search for love in wrong places. So, please listen to me. Let go. ‘’

You can feel her tears soaking your shirt. You can feel her crying and trembling against your body. And you know that she can feel you too. She can feel you sob and cry and fall apart. You can’t believe that you just hurt this wonderful woman. You can’t believe that you let go of that amazing soul that gave you so much without wanting to get something in return.

She pulls you tighter. Kisses your temple and whispers ‘’Goodbye Eren.’’ You two pull apart and give each other a glance. ‘’Please don’t forget who you are.’’

(…)

‘’Come in!’’ you can hear your father’s voice at the other side of the door. You open the door and his green eyes suddenly fill with worry. They scan your puffy red cheeks, the slump in your shoulders and the lifeless color of your eyes.

‘’Eren what happened?’’ he is on his feet in seconds and when he walks up to you he puts a hand on your cheek.

‘’Dad, can we talk?’’ you look him in the eyes.  ‘’I need to ask you something.’’

He pulls you down onto one of his patient stools and sits onto the one next to it. You notice his hands trembling - you know that he is scared. You smile. You father cares about you too much.

‘’Tell me?’’ it comes out as a rushed breath.

You turn to him and take a deep breath before you speak.

‘’Are you still in contact with uncle Hannes?’’

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion and it takes him a moment to respond.

‘’You mean your mother’s brother in Germany?’’

‘’Yes.’’

‘’I am. Your mother called him a few days ago but why?’’ he looks at you with more confusion.

You look out of his window and your eyes get stuck onto the small town you spent your whole life in. You follow those cars and people down the street. You watch the grey color of the sky. You see pigeons flying around the trees.

‘’Can you give me his number?’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chap will be the main chapter so please bear with me. It will take me everything to write it down bc it will be super important! :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to part this chapter into two parts. I know this first one is really short but I just decided that this way it's better. Thank you for bearing with me and waiting for me to come back. 
> 
> I hope you will like this. <3

**_Part I_ **

 

‘’So, Mr. Jaeger, I think there would be a few interested costumers here. I mean the house is in a good shape, it’s not too old. I think you’ll get a nice price out of it.’’ The lady her name you already forgot stops at your door, giving your hallway one last look. ‘’I will call you next week to inform you if there are any potential buyers.’’

‘’That’s good.’’ You breathe out. ‘’I’ll be on a business trip in Germany but I should come back around next week. Honestly I hope I’ll get some good news.’’ You give her a polite smile.

‘’Okay.’’ She says and puts her papers back in her plastic folder. ‘’It was nice to see you, Mr. Jaeger. I wish you a safe trip and we’ll see us next week.’’ You two shake hands. You watch her get into her car while you slowly close the door behind you. Your smile falters a bit.

‘’That’s it.’’ you say to yourself. ‘’There’s no turning back.’’ With a sigh you push up your sleeves and get back on packing things you decided to sell. Realizing you won’t need them anymore made your heart ache but that’s a part of moving on. Of starting your life anew.

 

(…)

‘’Honey, please don’t forget to greet Uncle Hannes! Tell him we’re missing him so much.’’

‘’Alright mom, don’t worry. I’ll do that.’’ You smile into your mother’s hair as you give her a tight and long hug.

‘’Eren.’’ You turn to your father, who also pulls you into a hug, holding onto your frame for a little bit longer than usual. You have a feeling that he’s scared. More than you. ‘’I’m so proud of you.’’ He tells you when you part. His hand squeezes your shoulder. ‘’Don’t make our family look dumb.’’ He smiles a bright smile where you know he’s joking but still at the same time there is a slight tremble to his voice. He doesn’t want to part. Nor does your mother. But you can feel how they’re ready to let you go. They just love you too much. ‘’Just be yourself. Smart and funny. I know- we know you can do this.’’

He throws an arm around your mother’s shoulder and she scoots a little bit closer to him.

‘’Mom, don’t cry.’’ You giggle. ‘’I’m gonna be back in four days.’’

‘’But my baby…’’ she wipes a few stray tears. ‘’My baby is a grown ass man now.’’

You wish you weren’t. Honestly.

You take a big breath and grab your bag. You’re shaking.

‘’Okay,  I’ll call you once I land. Love you.’’ You give your mom a final kiss and turn away with heavy legs. That’s it. There’s no turning back.

The airport is too damn loud. Your bag too damn heavy.

That’s it.

No turning back.

Fuck.

 

(…)

The thing is Uncle Hannes is a brilliant man but he likes to have a few drinks before work. The thing is you have an amazing view from your office but your chair is a little bit too hard to sit on. The thing is the mouse you’re finger clicks on will never feel the same as a paintbrush.

The thing is…

This is not art. And this is not the life you wanted.

But that’s it. There’s no turning back.

 

(…)

Four days later and you wake up in your old bedroom at your parents house. You stare at your ceiling and it’s just staring right back at you. You wish you were seventeen again. You wish you were thirteen again. You wish you were…

You sit up and look around. Everything’s the same. Your bed, your shelves, your posters on the wall. There’s even that nasty ketchup stain on your carpet. Or the little bump in the wall from the ‘’who says we can’t play ball in my room game’’.

And there’s still that picture of you and him. Probably sixth grade. He’s missing a tooth there but he’s smiling so bright. Your knee has that nasty bruise from climbing that motherfucking tree in Reiner’s backyard. You notice that you’re wearing matching bracelets. Yeah, best friends forever.

You stare for a long time at that picture not able to put it back. He was your best friend once. Long before shit hit the fan. Long before he broke your heart. Who would have thought that Levi, that small, skinny boy who liked to catch grasshoppers and chase you around because he knew you were scared of them, would cheat on you. Who would have thought that Levi, that boy who had braces once in seventh grade for you had to make faces and tell terrible shit jokes just to make him smile because he thought he was ugly, would hurt you so bad. Who would have thought that the boy who dared to kiss you and told you ‘’I like you, Eren’’ in such a sweet voice hidden behind the bleachers when you two skipped classes in high school, would do such thing.

Who would have thought that your best friend would betray you.

The ringtone of your phone makes you jump. You pick up.

‘’Mr. Jaeger, it’s me Mrs. Galecki! I have news for you! Great news! Do you have time?’’

How much time do you actually have? Here, in your hometown. With the people you love. Once loved.

How much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part II will come out a little bit later. It's really hard to write this ughhhhh   
> STAY TUNED :D


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is Ereri. And everything hurts.

_Part II_

 

‘’Can I just take one last look. Just to see if there’s something I’ve forgotten?’’

‘’Of course, Mr. Jaeger. Take your time.’’

It’s funny how life takes turns and end up in all those wrong directions that were never on your map. It’s funny how one day you end up standing in your living room alone, shelves empty, the couch with no cushions on it, dressers empty, no plants, no pictures, no books, no tablecloth…

Nothing.

Just things that you don’t need anymore. Things you can move on without.

There is a lump in your throat. You walk into the bathroom.

The mirror is spotless just like the rest of the bathroom when you take a step in it. It’s no wonder when you spent the last days scrubbing it into perfection just to accomplish a poor feeling of content when in real there was none. Why do such thing? Now when you look at it - when you look at the whole house, cleaned to perfection it just doesn’t feel like _your_ home anymore.  You feel like an intruder.

When you walk into your bedroom there is this slight sting in your eyes you try to ignore and blame it on the sunlight that blinds your eyes because there are no curtains to block it. You’re tempted to sit on that spotless bed, run your hand over it just to feel how smooth it is. Just to remember that feeling when it touched you back or how it dipped under you when he kissed you like there was no air between you. This room holds so much to itself - so much memories are painted into those walls, carved into that wooden floor under your shoes and yet you know the moment when you walk out of that door they will all vanish. Vaporize with the sunlight glowing on that wall across the room and just crumble into oblivion once the lights go off and the smell of yours fades away completely.

Just like his did.

Carefully, you scan the room one last time before you decide to turn and leave it like that forever. You wonder if that bed will remain like that once the new buyers move in? You wonder who is going to sleep in it?

You scan the rest of the house without any emotion, feeling somehow drained from all that what’s happening right now in your life. There is nothing left – and if it is you’re just too tired to care. Maybe it’s for the best if it stays there. Sometimes things hold so much meaning to them that we need to leave them behind. Sometimes we just have to forget. You don’t bother to check the attic because you know there is nothing left there. After all, the attic was the first place you started with and to be honest there weren’t a lot of things to move. Just some of your paintings (that are safely tucked into boxes now in your new apartment), painting supplies and that old chair you sold days ago.

Everything is ready. The things that matter are waiting for you somewhere across the ocean. It’s just you what is missing.

_You._

Once you decide it’s time to say goodbye to that house (that held so many dreams in it) a sigh leaves your lungs. Its sound echoes through the halls and suddenly all of it feels empty. In that moment you know that it’s time to leave. Your time in this house is over.

 _It’s okay,_ you say to yourself.

That’s it. There’s no turning back.

 

(…)

It’s ten in the evening and you’re sitting in your old bedroom, in your parent’s house, writing a small letter addressed to her. You want to make it simple.

_I’m sorry for everything._

_I think it’s time for me to leave this town and let you all move on._

_Without me._

_It’s for the best, I think._

_I give you these because I won’t need them anymore. You’re a brilliant artist. Make your dreams come true._

_I hope they will help you, even though they didn’t help me._

_\- Love, Eren._

Carefully, you stick the note to the box filled with your paintbrushes, cups, some of your left paint that she could use well. You won’t need that anymore. And it just hurts too much to throw them away. You know they will be in right hands with her.

You just know.

‘’Mom, dad, I’m just heading off to a friend and drop this box by. I’ll come back soon.’’ You yell as you grab your father’s car keys and head out of your house. The drive to her apartment somehow is silent. You’re in no mood for the radio.

As you take the lift you lost the count of how many times you swallowed nervously, an attempt to form the right words to say goodbye. When the door opened and that little bling put you down to Earth you’re realizing that you can’t. With hands sweaty and shaking, you put the box in front of her door and you leave.

You just can’t.

The lump in your throat is just too big. You feel sick. You need air.

So you take the stairs.

The stairs are dark. It’s already hard to see where you’re going with tears blurring your vision. You’re thinking how much of a coward you are. Can’t even say goodbye. Can’t even move on.

Running away to another country?

Really, Eren?

Running away?

By the time you stop to catch your breath you feel your cheeks are dry. Good, you whisper. Don’t need anybody seeing a grown man cry in a dark hallway. It’s pathetic enough the fact that in need to heal his broken heart he needs to flee to another country, across the fucking ocean. Just because he is a coward.

A hurt coward.

When you put your hands in your jacket you feel that pack of cigarettes touching you back. You promised yourself to never touch a cigarette again but right now, in this hour, knowing that there is only one left, you think that there is nothing left to lose.

Just one cigarette.

It’s nothing.

When he opens the door after you knocked on it like a frightened child, everything what you believed was right now seems so wrong. Your heart is beating rapidly in your chest and the heavy feeling of your tongue tells you that this goodbye won’t be clean.

It’s gonna be messy.

‘’I-‘’ you start and clear your throat. ’’I wanted to tell you something…’’

He gives you a pointed look, he’s waiting for you to finish. But you can’t. So you avoid those pale blue eyes and stare at his house shoes. You can feel the tears coming.

Once again you clear your voice but it ends up broken .

‘’I-‘’

‘’Eren, look up.’’ his voice is surprisingly gentle. You cringe. ‘’Hey, look at me.’’ He’s still standing by his door, and you know he’s giving you that worried look he always did when he saw you crumbling down. You know that he’s scared and yet  he’s encouraging you to go on and end this.

You know he feels that this time it’s a real end.

A real goodbye.

Not a goodbye where ex-lovers come back to each other, hate each other but at night when they feel lonely feast upon their warmth they seek to never lose. Not a goodbye where you build yourself up to shield yourself from his toxic presence only to crawl back into his arms and beg him to make those walls crumble down.

This goodbye will end this once and for all.

It’s gonna hurt like never before.

You’re going to break him.

And you’re going to break yourself.

‘’I-I have a flight to Germany tomorrow.’’ You start once you feel your voice coming back to normal. ‘’And-and I came here to tell you that…’’ you swallow again. ‘’I came here to say goodbye.’’ The exhale that leaves your lungs takes the last piece of energy that drove you here breaking you into so many pieces right in front of him.

You stare at him right back knowing that you can’t say a word anymore. Every word just died in your throat. He’s staring right back at you. You see his hand grip the door tighter and his Adam’s apple bob with a hard swallow.

‘’You’re not coming back?’’ he asks you in a small voice.

You just shake your head.

Never breaking the stare you two just stand there, a little bit after eleven in the evening, with no sound echoing down the hall.

He doesn’t break the stare when he slides his shaky palms up your neck, over your trembling pulse, cupping your face and bringing it to his feverish lips that burn holes into your mouth. You kiss him back, still not letting your tears to fall, with the same hunger that makes you crash your body into his for the last time. It takes all your power in your being to step into his apartment and close the door only to let him drag you into his bedroom where you let him consume everything what’s left of you in this town. He kisses your memories away, each kiss burning a black hole into your body. One for each dream that never came true in this town. One for each memory you made with him.

So you let him burn you to ashes because in that moment you realize that your whole being is made up from him, your memories with him, your feelings for him, your thoughts of him, him, him, him…

_Levi._

When your back hits the mattress and he takes your shirt of, all you can focus on is to not open your eyes. His lips are breaking the skin of your jawline, tearing it apart on their way to your neck where he licks at your pulse and swallows every beat of your dying heart. He exhales into your skin, makes you bloom in goosebumps where hot air hit your skin.

Your hands are starving for touch so you scramble for his shirt, trembling even, taking it off him. The pale skin that once used to be your favorite canvas feel cold to the touch, foreign even, with every fingerprint you leave on him.

Your chests are touching and he presses his forehead to yours only to breathe in the suffocating air you share between you, making your chest tighten with each breath he robs from you. You roll him over, exposing his rambling chest to your starving mouth where you desperately kiss at his heart. You open your eyes and you see him looking right back at you, his eyes holding no emotion.

Breathing hard you bend down and softly kiss his lips, pressing into them as tenderly as you can. You kiss the corner of his mouth. His jawline feels like silk under your touch. You kiss away at his neck. His shoulder feels like soft when you bite it. Every time you press a kiss to his chest you can feel how hard his heart it beating in his chest. How scared it is. How it’s trying to stay alive.

And as you hover your lips at the end of his sternum, the air you wanted to breathe in gets stuck. You press your face into his skin feeling your chest tremble at first but now your whole body is shaking with your effort to hold that breath in. You feel your lips turn downwards, the salty taste of his skin  turning into something bitter on your tongue. You squeeze your eyes so hard it hurts to open them again.

Silence.

There’s just you fighting not to break down.

Don’t.

Break.

Down.

The first sob that rips away sounds like you’re suffocating. It sends an ugly sound through the silent room. The second sob echoes louder and it makes your body shake madly. Soon there are tears forcing their way down your cheeks, splattering onto his warm skin. Another sob leaves your mouth and you grip onto his shoulders for dear life. You’re finally breaking and it’s ugly. It’s so terrifying and so devastating at that moment you’re scared of taking a new breath.

You don’t want this.

No.

This is not what you wanted.

You’re hurting again.

It hurts.

It hurts.

So bad.

And you know he’s hurting too because he’s sobbing too, his chest falling apart under your mouth. He’s staring at the ceiling, letting his tears stream down the sides of his face and carve themselves into his pillow. You hold him tighter against you because you’re feeling him shake with every sob that leaves his mouth. His hand finds yours and his fingers glide between yours and for the last time you grip his hand hard, never letting go.

_Letting go._

It’s a little before midnight and his room echoes with the sound of two lovers saying goodbye for the last time.

_Last time._

It’s a little after midnight and you can still hear sniffling and wailing of two people breaking. Falling apart.

_Last time._

It’s long past midnight and there are two figures lying on top of each other, the room long gone silent.

_Last time._

It’s three in the morning and the two figures are still holding onto each other, asleep long ago. Their bodies tired of crying. Tired of fighting.

_Last time._

It’s six in the morning. There’s only one figure curled up on the big bed. And in the kitchen, on the table, there is an ashtray holding a cigarette, burned only to its half.

At eleven in the morning Levi woke up, his cheeks stinging from the salty tears.

And Eren, his best friend, his lover was long gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired. I know there are tons of mistakes but don't worry I'll proofread this tomorrow. 
> 
> I'm sorry.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been 5 months since i last updated this fic. why is handling life and writing a fic so hard?  
> forgive me for the reeeaaaaallyyyy long wait.  
> i love you.   
> just like always.<3

Fifty years

Could never take away

The memory I have

Of you.

 

Fifty years

Could never take away

The feeling of your hand

In my hair

Every morning I wake up

Not with you by my side.

 

Fifty years

Could never take away

The guilt I feel everyday

When I walk down the steet

Holding my child’s hand

And somehow imagining

That it could have been you

Holding its hand too.

 

Fifty years

Could never erase

The laugh I hear

From my beautiful wife’s lips

When she takes one of my sketches

And holds them up

Worshipping

Just like you did.

 

Fifty years

Could never take away

The bad habit of finishing things

Halfway.

 

I’m such a fool.

 

Fifty years

Could never take away

The what ifs

The could have beens

The would have beens.

 

...

 

Fifty years

Are a lot of time.

 

I wish I could have spent them

With you.

 

I wish

I wish

I wish.

 

My dream never came true.

 

Could fifty years make me

Forgive you?

 

I wish.

 

I loved you.

I love you.

Will always do.

 

My best friend.

My lover.

My little tragedy.

 

Fifty years

Could never replace

The missing feeling

Im my old, rattling chest.

 

Levi.

I really do

Miss you.

 

...

 

I'm sorry for leaving you behind.

I'm

so

sorry.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have finally mustered the strenght to finish this fic. I wanna thank all those people who were there for me, who were with me from the start. Also, I wanna thank the new readers, you are all amazing! 
> 
> I hope this will satisfy you. This fic is dragging itself for months and now it's finally finished.  
> I have thought about changing some part, tags and stuff but I won't. Even tho I have planned some things different I am glad how this fic turned out.
> 
> For the mysterious girl, im sorry. I have planned on making her more important to the story but as the plot went on, she just ended this way. So for all of those who thought she would be Eren's wife or something, I'm sorry.
> 
> I love you all. <3
> 
> So, go grab some tissues because it's gonna be a long ride of angst.  
> (I cried too while i was writing. lol) T_T

The stairs creak beneath your house shoes as you slowly stomp your way to the attic. Your wrinkly hand holds the railing for support, the tremble in your old fingers getting worse over the years. Where did you left that photograph of your wife? Slightly annoyed you open the dusty door that leads to the dark room where all your old belongings are whom you’re not ready to let go. Stacks of small boxes litter the floor where dust settles over them in thick layers. It’s been years since you’ve last been here and time has taken its toll on them. The light bulb doesn’t light up when you flick the switch on.

‘’Melanie?’’ you shout down the stairs waiting for your daughter to come. ‘’Can you please find me a spare light bulb? This one doesn’t work.’’

A few seconds later, your youngest daughter Melanie, comes up the stairs with a flash light and a light bulb in the other hand.

‘’Father, it’s been years since the last time someone was in here. No wonder the bulb’s out.’’ Your watch your daughter change the bulb and a warm feeling spreads through your old chest. You’re so proud of her. She’s grown into a wonderful woman, living with a caring husband and having three kids. You can’t help but smile. It’s a true blessing.

And the thought of your older son, Thomas, warms your chest too. Both of them raised with love and grown into two independent and strong beings, leading their lives to the fullest and bringing wonders to your world every time they visit.

‘’Besides what are you doing here?’’ after she’s finished, she dusts her hands off and lights the room up.

‘’I want to find a picture of your mother for our anniversary. ‘’ a determined look falls upon your eyes as they search the room for the box where your old photographs are. ‘’I want to surprise her with our picture from where we first met. I know it will do her some good. The hospital must be a sad and boring place. Can you please bring me a chair?’’

With a nod, Melanie gives you a kind smile before she turns to leave down the stairs. While you’re waiting for her to come back you spot a large box standing underneath a stack of small boxes. You can’t bring yourself to remember the content that must be in there. Interest spikes your mind and you slowly walk over to the big box. It’s a little bit hard to take all those boxes down and by the time the last box is off you can’t help but feel your heart picking up its pace.

‘’Father, I told you to stop moving heavy things. It’s bad for your heart.’’ Melanie scolds you in a warm tone as she helps you with opening the box.

She puts the chair she brought aside where you sit on it, your old bones giving out from exhaustion. She slowly unpacks the things in front of you, ‘’Do you think mother’s photos could be here?’’

You shrug. You can’t remember.

‘’Oh! There are some photos indeed.’’ She holds up a neatly packed bundle of photos. She walks over to you where she plops down onto the floor and starts to unpack the photos, showing you each one. The first one reveals a photo of you and Armin back in your childhood days. ‘’This is Armin, your friend right?’’ she gives you warm look, ‘’it must be back in your hometown.’’

‘’Yes, that’s us. I think we’re about 13 here. I remember this one; it was summer and I slept over at his place for a few days since my parents had to go visit my grandparents.’’ you smile softly, the memory eliciting something heavy in your chest. ‘’It was a good summer.’’ You sigh. ‘’It’s too sad that he’s not among us anymore.’’ Melanie gives you a sad look, not daring to ask you more questions. Silence urges you to talk further. ‘’Armin was a really good friend. Unfortunately, he passed away from a heart attack. I really do miss him.’’ You try not to let your eyes betray you with tears as the memories of Armin warm your heart in a sad way. Time comes for what it belongs to it, and sadly, life included.

‘’And who is this?’’ Melanie quickly asks, trying to change the theme.

‘’That’s Mikasa.’’ You say in a soft tone. ‘’Armin’s wife.’’ Melanie’s eyes widen in surprise as she looks at the young girl in the picture. ‘’Believe me every one was surprised. She is a really kind person.’’

‘’Is she…?’’

‘’No, she’s well. The last time I heard about her was two months ago. She’s living with her daughter in Stohess now.’’

The next picture reveals you and _her_.

‘’Wait!’’ Melanie jumps up and holds the photograph to you. ‘’That’s Eve Jess. The famous artist! Father, you two were together?’’

‘’Yes.’’ You give your daughter a smile and a giggle escapes your dry lips. ‘’We were a couple once. Before she got famous.’’ The memories you had with her flash before your eyes. Some of them were breathtaking, some happy, some sad. Still, it hurts when you think about the night where you couldn’t say goodbye. She didn’t deserve that; after all she was a burning star which light burned too bright for you. No wonder you couldn’t compete with her radiance. She truly is an amazing person.

‘’I can’t believe you dated her. She’s one of my favorite artists!’’ The way Melanie looked amazed at the picture made you feel happy. You knew your daughter always had a thing for art (she must have got that from you) and seeing her surprised and excited felt really good. You’re too old to be a show off, but you can’t help the small pride swelling in your chest.

The rest of the photographs revealed your memories from when you were a child, school plays and sleepovers brought you a fresh wave of nostalgia as you looked at those young faces that used to be your friends. It’s been so many years and you wonder how are they all doing, what were they doing when they were alive, are they still alive?

All of your actions and thoughts were cut off as your phone ringed downstairs.

‘’I’m gonna get it.’’ Melanie put the photographs on the floor and quickly ran down the stairs to answer the call.

You were left alone there, alone with all the thoughts that won’t let you sleep for days now, alone with all those memories (some you couldn’t quite remember anymore), alone with the feeling of time passing too quickly, a sad emotion settling in your heart. You stand up, carefully and stride over to the box where you rummage through its content. You put aside some old painting supplies (you couldn’t throw away), old caps and shirts, things that lost their value through the years. Suddenly, your fingers grasp a white cloth, and under that you felt something else. Your heart starts to beat a little bit faster, some old thoughts that never meant to swim to the surface spread in your mind like wildfire. Slowly, as it was going to break, you unfold the white cloth only to reveal a memory that stabs the back of your chest, eliciting a feeling that pained you deep inside your heart.

‘’ _Oh_.’’ You whisper softly, something heavy settling in your mouth, making it hard to say a word. You trace the lines that shape that damned but sacred body of _his_ with your index finger, the touch repainting its fainting colors. Your eyes start to water, _it’s been so long_ you realize, so long after you two broke apart, so long after you stopped being friends, so long…

‘’Father! It’s for you!’’ Melanie’s voice rips you out of your stupor, the phone she points to you already at your face. ‘’There’s a woman on the phone, she says she knows you and she wants to talk to you.’’

When you put the phone to your ear, a voice comes from the other side, a voice so familiar but you simply can’t remember. Damn, why can’t you remember?

‘’Hallo?’’ you ask, your voice a little bit shaky.

‘’Eren?’’ comes from the other line and you still can’t remember. ‘’It’s me, Hanji? Do you remember me?’’

‘’Hanji?’’ and it all comes crushing down, like a river that breaks the dam, things you thought were forgotten turn alive in front of your eyes. ‘’Hanji!’’ you smile, warmth laced with your words. Oh how good it feels to hear her voice. ‘’Of course I do! How are you my dear? It’s been so long! How is Mike?’’

Hanji starts to giggle and you notice how time robbed the strength in her voice that used to be so loud and radiant back then when she was your boss. ‘’Yeah, I know. I’m good, my dear Eren. My bones hurt but I don’t let them stop me. I have a new best friend and it’s called a walking stick. It takes me time but hey, I’m getting around.’’ She stops there to take a breath and continues, ‘’Mike is good. He’s still gardening our backyard even though his doctors said he shouldn’t do any hard work. I abandoned it years ago but he’s still so stubborn about it. After all, he needs his daily dose of sniffing flowers.’’  Hanji rambles on, talking and asking about things in her old Hanji way.

‘’The reason I called you is actually something else.’’ You notice the drop of her tone, something heavy lingering between her words. ‘’I think you need to know, it wouldn’t be fair of me to keep things a secret.’’ You listen to her carefully, your heart beating heavy in your chest.

Your eyes widen in shock, the breath you took halfway stuck inside your lungs as a sting burning and twisting pierced your poor, old heart.

‘’Levi passed away.’’

(…)

‘’This is the house I grew up in.’’ You point to the house at the end of the street. It’s still white like it used to be, a car parked in front with a young boy sitting on the porch playing. ‘’Your grandparents sold it a couple of years after I moved away.’’

There’s a distant look in Melanie’s eyes as the car drives past it, leaving it to the past, where it belongs. The taxi driver hums a soft tune in sync with the radio, driving slowly down the streets where you grew up on. Melanie looks out of the window, listening close about the things that used to be your favorite places in your hometown.

Something sour settles over your tongue, making it hard to talk as the taxi drives past a house that flooded your heart with sad memories. You wonder who is sleeping in your bed now? Do they  store things in the attic? Is this house on sale? You stare at the windows and start to wonder what if his scent still lingers there? Among the curtains and book shelves, deep inside the walls and creaking floors? Would you be able to recognize it if you took one last step inside?

You shake your head. How foolish of you. _It’s been fifty years._

His scent must be already gone, just like him.

(…)

On the way to the graveyard you two stop to buy flowers. One for Armin (it would break your heart not to visit him) and one for Levi. After all, you’re not sure if there’s going to be a second time for buying flowers again.

Melanie brings you a small stool for you to sit on, your bones giving out from the exhausted fly. You talk to Armin, tell him about the things you both did when you were young, wild and free from the shackles of adulthood. With a fond smile you tell him how Mikasa must be missing him.

‘’I miss you too, my old friend.’’

(…)

‘’I’m gonna wait in the car.’’ With a warm hug, Melanie leaves you to finish your little journey, one  that might be your last.

With the stool under your hand and the flowers in the other, you walk to the grave that has so much flowers on it, making you smile a sad smile. _You must have been loved_ , you think. _You must have been a good man, my dear_.

Standing on front of him, now six feet under, makes your whole body shake and tremble. You bring one hand to your mouth, tears already making their way down your pale cheeks.

‘’Hey.’’ You whisper, shaky and unsure if you could speak further. ‘’It’s been a long time, my dear.’’ You sit down onto the stool, your legs giving out. You feel so weak. ‘’Guess, we meet again.’’ Silence falls upon your shoulders. You’re not  sure what to say.

‘’I see, this must be our final goodbye. How many goodbyes had we? I think this one hurts the most.’’ Swallowing hard you start again, ‘’There are so many things I wanted to tell you, so many things, Levi. And here you are, sleeping under that stone with no care in the world, leaving me with the burden of our love.’’ Your fingers pet the flowers in your hand, they ease the tremble somehow. ‘’I never imagined a day like this would happen. Never in my life I have thought about you like this. And I know days like this must happen, but with you I only thrived to live on. Just a small forever. Nothing else. Days that keep on rising with you by my side. Days that would never end.’’

‘’I couldn’t understand you back then, your actions and your feelings, but thirty years after I finally can. I understand everything. Levi, you were only young. Just perfectly human and making mistakes in your life. You were reckless, you thought life was easy, you wanted it all. But wanting it all meant losing me. I thought about it for a long time, and now I have finally decided that, even if it’s a little bit too late, that I can forgive you for what you have done to me. Humans make mistakes, humans do regret. And you were just human.’’

‘’All I know is that I can’t regret you. I can’t regret this friendship that brought us to the point of breaking. I can’t regret the nights we loved each other more than the moon loves the stars. I can’t regret our secrets, our adventures we had when we were young. I simply can’t regret having you in my life.’’

‘’Our love was strong. But it wasn’t strong enough.’’

You place the flowers onto his grave, hands shaking violently as tears fall to the ground, some of them landing onto the tiny blue petals.

‘’Hanji told me how you had a hard life living with Alzheimer’s. How you started to forget things, you were angry and afraid, but still loved your family with all of your heart. I know that maybe I was erased from your memories too, long forgotten with _that_ mistake. And maybe it’s a good thing, I bet it eased your heart to forget that you hurt me, the one you never wanted to hurt. But I am here, my love. I will carry all those memories for the two of us. I will remember for you too. ‘’

There they stood. Proud and wonderful in their own beauty, a pot with tiny forget me not’s, right under Levi’s grave stone.

‘’Hanji also told me that days before you died, you kept on rambling about a boy who stole your paint brush.’’ The hand in your jacket pocket pulled out the brush that started it all. The brush that brought you into his life, just how it brought him to yours. ‘’

_L & E_

‘’I caught him and got it back for you.’’ With a sad smile you place the brush next to the flowers, a feeling of long forgotten affection settling deep in your heart. ‘’He says he’s sorry.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading.
> 
> <3 <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> There's no way on earth I tear them apart.  
> Ereri lives forever.
> 
> *whispers It's unbeta'd, sorry xD


End file.
